" Like, I am genuinely surprised by how much Dr. Who content is posted to tumblr, and I do think it’s wonderful that the people who post such content feel no shame or embarrassment about it, but of course they should be mindful that future employers may discover they have a Known Whovian on the payroll."

(here)

Cold

It's so cold, but I'm allowing my toes to freeze themselves over. After all, if I can't feel them there won't be pain, right? And my broken toe needs to be chilled anyways.

I'm retreating, again. Into myself. Go away, world. No one wants you. Leave me alone. I'm done interacting with you. Done done done.

Telephone

When I talk with boys on the telephone, it's always the same. They lead and I let them lead, because that's what they want. They call when they want to talk, and I answer. That's how it goes.

But with you I keep having to remind myself of the things I've already told and shown you. Remind myself that I don't have to pretend or hide with you.

The other one I just miss.

Wrapped Up In A Blanket

And warm.

That Moment

when you realize that someone has found some of your hidden words you left for them

then that horrible realization that you'll have to deal with what you said now

Goodbye, Purse

I'm kind of pouting, in the way that I dumped the entire contents of my purse on the floor (at 2am) and haven't touched that pile of discarded hopes. It makes me rather upset, to tell you the truth, as I had just fallen in love with that purse and the idea of having a purse when it quit on me.

And it was attempted to be fixed, once. But once that broke, we all know the next effort won't work either. It becomes an abandoned project, easily discarded to the back of one's mind.

Like other things. That I constantly think and worry and linger on. Like the fact that I can't really see details far away. And it's kind of hindering, but I'll get over it. When you approach me from far away, I won't be able to recognize your face until you come closer, which honestly kind of terrifies me in a I-won't-be-able-to-recognize-them-and-they'll-be-hurt sort of way.

Which reminds me. Of the fact that I can't tell if they were being nice and friendly or just making fun of me. I can't help but be wary and afraid of those kinds of people and approaches. I just want it to stop.

My toe is broken. Opposite of sprained-ankle foot. I need to work on properly healing that. I am cold.

End of June to middle of November. And then it starts. I can't explain it at all. Or talk to anyone about it. But I'm getting there. With slight slips of information. That they'll never understand the importance of or how much this lingers on my mind.

Mother mother please?

I won't.

I won't bug you about it even though, truthfully, I check it each and every day. I'll sit there with idle time, and check the places that you haven't ventured to check yet. And I won't complain about it to you, no, for this fear from past experiences not belonging to me prevent me from doing such a thing. Again, the fear of being hated emerges. Or of inconveniencing you so.

It's a thing I think about constantly.

I know, no one likes it like I do. No one is as emerged in it as I am.

That doesn't change my longing.

"Biki, you would save so much time if you never went online ever"

---Queen Of Queens

You Didn't Say Goodbye

Get attached

take the risk

Get attached

you'll be worse for the wear later, when they inevitably go away

Sorry but I felt cute today

She was raining like snowdrops

Her tears were falling like snowdrops

Cassandra Clare is a wonderful person

Not The Answer

Church is not the answer to these problems. No no no. It broke me. How do you think he'll react?

Oh no, I'm sure he'll do fine. Just fine.

Not that that fixes anything.

There are different behaviors in different settings. Home or public. Behavior differs. Attitude changes.

That horrible sound

That horrible sound when you've completely broken a person and driven them into a corner so they're so completely helpless that all they can do is shriek out sounds between their broken sobs.

And you sit there wondering, what would justify the breaking of his being?

Certainly not this.

It is our job to be forgotten.

Violence is the antidote to memory

Anthem of Eradication

Now that she's gone

we can talk about it

now that she's gone

we can discuss

the easiest way to rid ourselves of this menace

Now that she's gone

we can talk about it

now that she's gone

we can think

now that she's gone

we can figure out

the way to free ourselves from this beast

Now that's she's gone

we can talk about it

now that she's gone

we can breathe

now that she's gone

we can openly discuss

everything that she's done wrong

Now that she's gone

we can talk about it

now that she's gone

we can plan

the easiest way

to brighten up the day

with her absence

Now that she's gone

we can talk about it

now that she's gone

we can eradicate her

now that she's gone

we are free!

Now that she's here

we can talk about it

now that she's here

we can break

that façade you thought were friends

we are tired of your thorns

so now leave!

Smash the troll

hate

Smash the troll

doubt

Smash the troll

anxiety

Smash the troll

-

Now that she's gone

we can talk about it

now that she's gone

we can smash

that fragile reality she's created for herself

we will smash it all to bits

with our words

I remember...

I remember when I was little, and becoming so upset that I would cry and cry and cry, sobs ransacking my body and my breath refusing to become even again, trying desperately to regain control of myself and pretend that everything was fine but being unable to.

Emotions I once felt so strongly.

And that happened in seventh grade and ninth. Not so so long ago.

Crying in the bathroom trying to pretend nothing is wrong. Trying to not let eye contact get to me. On multiple occasions. And the time that the bullying just got to me and I couldn't stand being in class another moment.

My instinct to just run away.

Hopeful

Sorry but I can't help but be hopeful about you, with the questions I dare not ask because I prefer to be left in the dark about these things. I just want to get as close as I can in the two months that we have left together. Less, really. And it's only once a week. But still.

I can't help but be hopeful,

but I don't let myself fantasize.

Those fantasies will only lead to despair

So, for now, I'll just let you hold me as we dance, my mind ungrippable

Until the despair and doubt comes, throwing everything elsewhere

she's better anyways

and would she want it? does she want it?

do they pick up the subtle hints I kind of drop in the tongue of mine that only they will understand?

Not that it matters

In the end, I will become but a memory

Paralyzed into inaction by fear

Fear

Fear will drive you into a corner until you just can't move anymore, can no longer say any words for fear of the potential consequences, your mind always going down the dreadful path.

And then there's the side of you that is overly hopeful to the reception of information, and that side is what feeds the fear when that hope is crushed, those expectations not met.

So what to do, what to do, when everything lets you down down down.

I am, aren't I?

I'm talking about myself too much, aren't I. Not asking enough questions, though really I don't want to pry. I don't want to make you hate me. If I talk about myself enough, maybe you'll feel compelled to say something. If I say something that happened to me as well as you, maybe you'll feel as though your pain is similar to my own and then not feel so alone in the world. Am I doing this right? This exchange of information? Am I?

Don't see me; don't acknowledge me. I'm busy hiding over here behind my walls of identities, all differing from each other and splitting and protecting separate parts of me but ultimately making me feel confused, like I don't know who i am or what to do with myself anymore.

I have to feel safe like this, even if it isn't real, or I'll never say anything. I'll never talk to you if I think you'll say something back. Or, if I don't not expect something back. If I think that you should be responding and you aren't, my mind will just jump to horrible conclusions usually involving me not being worth your time and/or you liking me at all etc etc. If I don't expect anything back, I can go on and on endlessly, without pause, without expecting or fearing anything. Then I leave to let it sit and simmer, while I sleep and move on, for you to discover later. Much later. Though I am still expecting somewhat of a reply. Just something. To prove that you read it. To prove that you care.

But I am only pushed to tell people things at late late hours of the night when no one is around. When no one is there. If you were there, I swear, we'd be having the deepest of conversations. We'd be discovering so much about each other. You'd be learning so much; I'd be saying so much.

So be there for me, please. Someone. Follow my pattern and be there for me. I promise I'll be there for you.

Things I don't want to be talking about:

money money money money money money money money money

And why we know we can't trust you with it. I mean, it's MY money for MY college. I'm not going to let you deposit it and spend it on shit like exercising equipment and other useless things that will never be useful to me at all and

Fuck, it's my fucking money written out to ME, NOT YOU. So stop asking for my fucking money. I'm going to use it on my education and you aren't going to touch a dime of it.

The air here is suffocating

Suppressing suppressing me me me

You don't realize how desperately I need someone to talk to right now.

It's Growing

There is such an emptiness inside of me after saying goodbye, and leaving you and your car of safety from loneliness into the house where I know I'll be alone, future unset.

It doesn't matter, it's okay, I don't need that text back, it's fine.

No it's not. Don't let me be alone. It's growing, that feeling inside of me, a bubbling up of loneliness from within my heart. Don't go. Don't.

Lurking in the depths of the night
sucks
because there's no one to wake you up
from the nightmares

Sorry

Just sitting here going through your photos is making the loneliness grow inside. It's unpleasant, and is making my heart fall in once again, poking fun at my tear ducts. But I will let no tears fall. I won't let things touch me. I'll just type out the things I'm feeling, or perhaps I won't.

Everything is just bringing me to tears, and yet I refuse to let it. Refuse to admit defeat. Or to admit to myself that the night is getting to me. That it's getting to me so much that I can't let myself sleep. No no no.

Give it back, that book. I need it back. It had a warm fuzzy feeling to it. I want it back. It made my heart cringe in a good way. I like it when my heart cringes in that good way.

Yet this makes me feel only more the intensity and how pathetic this loneliness of mine is. This emotion that is haunting my insides, hollowing them out softly. The more I yearn for these things in my dreams yet openly spurn the lack of them in my consciousness, the more I can feel what it is I do not have.

The more I can feel my inadequacy.

You. I've had my eyes on you from the very start. Yet I'm not confident in my self-worth. You could find better. She is better, and I know that she is wonderful on the inside, yet torn up by the insensitive actions of others. I'm just alone. Always, always alone. None shall touch my heart. I shan't let them. I shall live for my friends, always available if they need me, and yet, and yet who is there to be available to me? I want that I want that love

I'm not in a good mood. I don't have those anymore.

Nothing fits in your pockets, because you'll always be wanting so much more

Was that why you never wanted to be in pictures? You didn't want to be remembered?

I'll just pretend that you like me and we can both pretend to thus move on with our lives.

Lists, Lists, and more Lists

I've found myself making lots of lists, or at least, typing lots of things with colons in them.

the reason I got on the cpu: was gonna work on cpu programming hw

what I am doing: tumblr

things I should do: sleep

things I do instead: EVERYTHING ELSE

I don't clench my teeth when I sleep; rather, I do it when I am conscious, and completely unaware of it

then I transfer such energy to gnawing on my lip

things I cannot handle: social interactions, social interactions, social interactions

things I want: friends, happiness, love, a dream.

people that make me uncomfortable online: those that are there, but I can't bring myself to talk to/start up a conversation with them

what tags are:

• stream of consciousness when referring to the picture in front of you
• ways for people to find you
• definitions
• feelings
• credits
• organization tools
• hidden messages you don't want to say out loud officially, but which must be said nonetheless

iknowimrebloggingalotofquotesrightnowshutuptheymakemehappyireallylikethemandthisblog

also: things I should do on my Mundane blog: quote books. endlessly.

Sleeping time is now, at the hour past midnight, when all goes dark and the monstrous silence starts to creep in, its chilled breath sending shivers down your spine. And so you sleep, and escape this threat, letting yourself breathe in only the sweet air of dreamland, where the monster is subdued.

Stop

1:19am

Stop being there for me because then I'll want to rely on you and if I rely on you that will only be a burden to you, which will then make me withdraw the second I see you going through hardship and not relying on me back. Though, really, why would you rely on me back? You have much better, more quality friends than I. People always do. They don't realize how much I care about them and worry and worry and worry and imagine. Oh god imagination is the worse sort of thing a person can do when they've got vampires inside their head. Things start to creep and form and twist in your mind until all you can see is darkness in the world and you stop seeing the positive or trying to be daring because all you can see and predict, all of the blank space, is filled in with such horrible things that can't possibly be true but you accept them all the same, and live in a constant fear of your dark imagination turning into reality.

Stop being there for me because I will want to rely on you and the more I rely on you, the more I will expect you to be there, and so when you're not there things will just go bad, they'll go downhill, and I'll want you to be there, and I'll wish for you to be there, but I cannot express this desire because I don't want you to feel bad about not being there when I needed you because really it isn't your fault that my mind and my fingers run so fast, so rapidly into darkness when it gets late at night and the world seems oh so very far away and I want you to be there for me.

So just don't be there for me, okay? Because I don't want to rely on you, and trust you, and love you, only to have all of that taken away from me for some unknown, unforseen reason, leaving me worse off than before.. I don't want that, okay? I don't want things taken away from me. I want to remain whole, even if that means being alone. I want to be okay. I want to be okay.

-I don't want to be alone. So don't leave me alone, okay? Stay by my side, okay? Don't leave me. Don't leave me. I'm not as strong as I look, or as I pretend to be. Not always. I need somebody. I do. I do. I need you.-

I'll just end up chasing you away.

I always do.

1:28am

Things are going..

I'm still lingering in that place that has long abandoned me, even though i have not abandoned them. I still think about them occasioonally, but just on the surface. I don't want to delve too deeply into that pit of despair. I said bad things about them? never. and i could prove it to them, too, but who would believe me, the archiver? i could change it, they could say. cut out bits i didn't like. but still. i never thought ill of any of them. at least not aloud, to them. to my ginger, perhaps, but not to them, those that live in that community. not that i've ever hated any of them. and being mean to their characters is not the same as being mean to them themselves. i liked the people hiding behind the people. i really did.

but i think it's true that this summer has scarred me, a bit. i am going forward and yet back. frightened even more than before of being hated, of being despised, for a reason that i know not. and Rok, he and i are still fb friends. what does that even mean? is there hope for us yet? i don't know if i want to hope anymore on that end. and those that i have blocked, i have given up on. why defriend me? what did I do to you? what did i do? what did i do? if i cannot know, i can only question everything instead of something specific. assume that you merely grew to hate my essence, what made me me.

so now when i reach out on the internet, the silence is the thing that unnerves me the most. you aren't responding, not because you are busy, no, but because your heart has grown to despise me, as you will all inevitably do, and you do not wish to answer such garbage. my words that are garbage; me, that is garbage. all of you. that is how you think, or rather, how your silence thinks and is, in my mind. it is twisted, yes, and it isn't that i lack faith in you, rather, i lack faith in me to be liked.

pathetic little me. oh don't worry, i don't need love, nor seek it. i can pine after him, but it will never come to fruit, for i am too strange, not sweet enough, not likaeble enough to be liked. i have years of proof, after all. plenty of broken examples.

snakes feel like me, slithering through teh dry mud that was once a wet, high lake

and when i'm talking to those that i know like me for who i am, i can't help but feel like if i can't belittle myself then i am insufficient and imperfect. those mistakes eat at me, they do, for i remember them and how inadequate i was then, and my mind wanting to fix rthem, to polish them to perfection.

degradation, or is it decline of everything that is leading to this endless flow of incorrectness

it is to show you, or perhaps me, how wrong everything is right now

but really, i can suppress it all, i can get past it because i am strong and i need no one but myself. i know that you are there for me, and yet i feel reluctant to talk to you about anything significant. i feel like the words fall by the wayside, thus becoming meaningless

I have found new bruises formed
by which to remember you by
cuts and scrapes, too
all remind me of you
The time we spent together
now gone

My father is sometimes, no, frequently, the most unreliable man on the planet.

"A man is not truly a man if he does not have a flattering hat."

--Jeph

Ehk,

When I see you on the phone with that child, I feel like I've failed you completely as a friend.

Completely.

You say that you care, but you're lying.

You easily forget the simplest of things.
Like troubled eyesight,
sprained ankle,
and that never ends.

Doesn't it worry you?

I don't like being griped at.

Especially not after today.

Ankles

God, if I fuck up both of my ankles, then I'll be thoroughly screwed. And people will laugh at me. Ouch, ou.

Distant.

I keep...thinking in theories, distancing myself from the truth of reality.

In theory, I would be happier without my parents together. Or, rather, with my father gone. In theory, I'd be just fine without my family. But when the threat of reality comes near, I can feel myself panicking. Because I can't handle that kind of reality. There are emotional scars that come from these kinds of things.

In theory, I can kill a man in my head in such gruesome ways, you'd think a horrid monster had done the deed. But it isn't real. I can't stand the reality. I could rip of your arm in my head, or gouge out your eyes, but if I start to stare at you and picture that actuality, picture it happening to the body I know best--my own, things start quivering.

So you'll never understand me.

Especially not those calm adults who look at these workings of my mind and don't understand how safe I really am.

...It's like, somehow, I want to be creepy. Want to be special, different. In that incredibly odd way...why am I doing that, again?

Reasons

Why You Should Hate Me:

1. I need love
2. I talk to myself.
3. When angered, I get remorselessly violent.
4. I lash out at others when I'm in too much pain
5. I linger over pain for far too long
6. I don't trust other people, though occasionally I do too easily...this always turns out for the worst.
7. I'm occasionally flakey...I will beat myself up over this later. Depending on the gravity of the situation, I'll regret it longer or shorter...your emotions decide this.
8. I'm always late.

Why You Should Like Me

1. I care.
2. I have a passion for my hobbies; expressly, reading and writing.
3. I will throw away dignity and social stance to sing and dance to a song I like. (conversely, I never feel comfortable dancing)
4. I value truth.

Random Facts

• I'm delicate in the heart, strong in the head
• I force myself to get through difficult times without relying on others if I don't think help is necessary
• I don't eat lunch during the weekdays. Expressly on Mondays and Wednesdays. Tuesdays and Thursdays I just skip an early meal.
• I occasionally think I'm pretty.
• My time spent alone is bringing out the parts of me the uncomfortable anxious part of me keeps suppressing...and it's leaking out into public. This is good..in a way.
• I follow my whims.
• I want to be elegant and flexible.

Please love me. Love me for me. Faults and all. Craziness and abnormality. Everything.

God, I'll never make a single friend.

I'm working on finding myself. Let's see where this goes from here.

Clockwork's Not Ticking Properly..

I feel like I'm slowly shrinking, taking with me a feeling of disinterest in everything due to the fear implanted in my heart.

Am I lonely?

Leaking Tears

I don't know why, but last night and this morning, my eyes just randomly tear up with no emotion behind them, or at all...is it allergies, perhaps?

The place where I am now...I like it. But I don't think it'll exist after this ever again.

Really?

Do people even like me? Do I even like me?

Gah, being in such a nice environment is something so odd, I wish I could be in it more...though, truth be told, even there I'm still terrified.

Of disappointing them. Of being hated. Despised.

Stop.

Stop insulting the thing that fills my heart so completely

and lightens my anxious footsteps

makes me forget about those fears

and just breathe out those words of others

quietly,

for myself.

Leaving Traces

You spread out those words, those truths, across the vast expanse of the internet, trying to prove, to everyone and yourself that you were here, you did exist, and the you that existed, the things you left behind, will not be forgotten.

You will not be forgotten.

Because there's always something lingering behind...

Worst Parents in the World

I made this commitment, and I'm trying my hardest to keep to it, and not only do they seem to care less that I'm late while I'm sitting here stressing over it but they're encouraging me to just ditch it and go shopping.

I hate them. I hate this. Fuck it all.

I don't know why people hate me, but I think it's just natural that they do.

Losing Confidence

Sorry but I don't have the confidence to keep things out there for more than ten minutes without having the worry and fear of disapproval overcoming my natural action of leaving things alone being overridden and me deleting the things I have said.

Why has approval become so important as of late? It's like I'm being crushed, suffocated by this gnawing worry. Even in the classes where I have "friends." If you can even call them that. They keep disappearing.

I don't belong. I don't belong.

And here I go, closing off from everything and everyone once more.

While at the same time wanting to open up so much.

We deserve much better than we have.

I don't need love.

Meal Time

Three meals a day,

Three meals a day,
Three meals a day.

Scene change:

College time.

Two meals a day,

Two meals a day.

Scene change:

Theatre.

One meal a day,

snack.

This isn't..

Maybe it's because my sense of morality is so warped, but the things they abhor so deeply, cutting into the very core of their being...I think little of. That dead girl shouldn't hold such significance...

And again, I ask myself, why am I reading this?

It's Over Now

I didn't think it would end up this way...being so cruelly used every time something that really didn't matter made you upset. Every time you overreacted to each little situation, at the age of 14, smoking and drinking to wash your worries away...because you had it so tough, right?

The people online causing you so much drama that you need to resort to unhealthy illegal means? Then stop it. Distance yourself. That's the best way to do it. Stop investing so much in people. You'll only end up hurt in the end.

And you know what?

I trusted you. Trusted you with way too much. More than I've trusted with people who actually care about me, and care about me still.

Seems I was wrong.

Go.

What is it that I'm becoming, slowly, day by day?

Who is it that I'm turning into?

E l i m i n a t e the e v i d e n c e

Simple, and Yet..

It's just a simple, one-click action, and then it's done. The heart torn. I shouldn't take it personally...I should just hang on to the dear memories from then...or perhaps I should let it go. Then it wouldn't hurt so much to know it didn't mean anything to him. To know he's gone forever from my life.

And the girl from my childhood who has been by my side for years...not in a heart-by-heart way, but still, she was there. And I thought that was what counted...I couldn't be good enough, apparently. I couldn't become valuable enough to just click "yes."

It's so trivial

but it kind of hurts

Hunger

Why am I so hungry? I've been munching all day...

but I guess that's just it. I've been munching on snacks instead of actually having a good, filling meal. The snacks give me temporary satisfaction. It doesn't last long.

Then again, neither does the hunger...

Day One

Day one of college, and it's going pretty well. It was certainly a good idea to bring my laptop along, considering the large gaps in between my classes and all the free time I have, just lingering at school...

The first class was definitely the worst. I'm not saying I don't like the class, or that the people in that class aren't nice. Actually, the opposite is true. But, it being the first class on my first day of college ever, I was pretty nervous, anxious. It was unknown. So much unknown.

But really, things have been going pretty well since I got over that initial anxiety. I even spoke up in my english class...and kind of became the star "genius" student in there. Oh well. This isn't too bad. And, in every class I've sort of become friends with the people I sat next to..? I mean, we carried on a conversation and such...I think we have the potential to become great friends.

I love the diversity here. The freedom. There's such a range of people here, from people like me fresh out of high school to people who are married with kids and, my goodness, it's so amazing. And, the free snacks. Those are nice. It's like kindergarden, we said. In a way.

I ran into Andrew, Michayla, and Callie. It's nice to have friends to hang out with between classes...but they're all gone, now. Now all I can do is await the arrival of Megan from Northridge. Right now she's in Statistics...bah, I miss her, but at the same time, I am comfortable here. Content. Not that lonely.

Like those old comfortable days in Starbucks...

I hate them

Pester pester pester, push push push

it's like they think they can't rely upon me to do anything correctly myself

like I constantly need remindings of my shortcomings

You

you weren't good enough

to get everything done properly

this summer

You

you didn't obtain the things you wanted

you let the summer slip by

like sand through your fingers

What does that leave me with?

These poisonous feelings.

There's a special time, hiding between the days of the week, when the moon shines its brightest until the latest hours of the night.
Or has that, too, been destroyed?

Really?

Did you really just lecture me about eggs and what order I must remove them from the container? Really?

Motherless

So the first week of school, high school for my sister, college for me, is going to be spent precariously without my mother, who is in Puerto Rico for ten days because her mother is in the hospital. You know, I don't think I've ever been so long without the competency of my mother. I'm in charge while she's gone, pretty much. I do everything she would have been doing. Laundry. Dishes. Cleaning. Cooking. Hosting a party.

God, there's so much.

AND I STILL DON'T HAVE MY LICENSE. I HAVE NO ONE TO BLAME BUT MYSELF for me blacking out and whiting out today. I was almost home, too, when I just wanted to walk for a little bit. That was my mistake. My theory is, if you don't stop, you can push through the fatigue that's waiting for you at the end of your journey. But as soon as I started walking, the black spots started covering my vision, so I decided to stop for a little bit in the shade. Then I decided I was well enough to continue. Which I was wrong in assuming. The world darkened so much I couldn't tell if I'd properly crossed the street into the shade when I fell down upon the grass the second time. I sat there for a while, my sister looking at my worriedly. We even prompted a truck to pull up next to us and ask if we wanted him to give us a ride home. We declined (hesitantly). Stranger danger and all that. And he had a white pickup truck, too....

That was when we decided to call someone we knew for possible help. Problem: everyone's left for college. Jacob's bike was broken and our call was dropped. Andrew didn't respond to my text, though, really, if I was serious about calling for help I would have actually called him. I felt so pathetic. Really, I was so close to my street, so close to being at home, and here I was, unable to take a step forward without my vision warping. Darkening.

I decided to press on, eventually.

That was when things got really strange. Instead of my vision darkening, it brightened. Like, everywhere that sunshine hit became ten times brighter, as though it was overexposed film. It was like my life has suddenly received the special effects of movies and videos. It was quite strange, to say the least, but at least I could see the things around me, and press forward with my bike and the two textbooks in my star backpack slung over my shoulders. No cold water.

I refused to give into oblivion.

I can't help but wondering: is this how life will be if my parents divorce? With my mother working all the time, my father out of the picture, and I taking care of the children, the house. So much responsibility. But we'll get by, that I'm sure of.

We'll get by.

"You dead yet? No? I come back later." (twin)

"I play the sax, motherfucker"

Secret

Do you swear on your life?

I swear on my life.

You swore you'd never tell.

You swore you'd never tell

You swore you'd never tell

You swore you'd never tell!

And if you close your eyes for a moment and imagine the cruel expression on her face as she delivers these lines precisely, her eyes deliberate and malicious, it turns into...perfect poetry.

"WHY DID IT TURN OUT THIS WAY?!

Why did it get stuck to the bottom of the pan?! Why is it burnt?! Be good, pancake!"

"Yuushi's pancake is going through a rebellious stage."

Bad Habits Growing

I've recently gotten into a lot of bad habits

Like kind of nomming on my headphone cable while I listen to music

and staying up until 5am every morning and sleeping til 2pm...wasting all my days away. But I just want to be alone. Uninterrupted me time. Yet...I hate wasting the day away.

If only I didn't require sleep.

Guilt

It's not that you should forget your mistakes, or the pain that came with them

rather, you should hold on to this,

and learn from it

Use it as experience to help you move on

as well as to assist you in sympathizing with the pain of others

"I didn't hit you because I was angry

It's because I love you. Got it?"

In Darkness

When shrouded in the cover of darkness, is that when the real you emerges?

The dancing I'm so afraid of...

I'm Never Going Back

After all that's happened, I don't think I could really return to that place. I've been banned indefinitely, I don't know when it will end and they have no way of telling me if it's over.

Not that it matters, really.

I'm over it.

Delete, delete.

What's the Point?

Things are seeming increasingly pointless...people are seeming incredibly pointless. I'm feeling that rumoured cleaning out of my friends list that supposedly all college kids do. Really, what's the point in staying in touch with all these people that I don't really care about that much?

And those I do want to reach out to but can't...it cuts into me every time.

This probably just means that I'm ready for summer to be over. And yet, the entire idea and concept of college...I'm not mentally prepared yet. Not that I have to be.

What happens, happens, after all.

The Lost Friend

You know, usually, losing contact with someone is just something that I deal with. Sometimes it just happens. Due to circumstances, fate, or something more complex, I merely failed to keep in touch with someone. Be it a friend I made whilst on a trip, or an old friend lost to the years and miles.

But he keeps on bothering me.

I mean, we kind of really bonded. I actually told him details about my life, about my feelings, things that were bothering me. I don't know why, exactly...some people just slip into my heart. So easily. I could actually be myself around him. Unlike with everyone else there, whose hatred I am so terrified of...

And now his is added to the list.

Freaking Me Out

This addiction, rooted deep within my consciousness

brings jitters inside when removed so

unnecessarily.

I need it I need it I need it

it has such sway over me

though many times I refuse to acknowledge its power

Though I know

I can quit

like I have before

these are things I don't want to be rid of.

When you know you could text someone

when you know that contact is wanted

yet you cannot supply it

cannot give in to it

it's such a lonely feeling

of isolation

When you watch them using

something you cannot

it's such a lonely feeling

scratching at my insides

desire making me antsy

and yet

nothing changes

Am I

Am I not allowed to

Am I not allowed to

Am I not allowed to

Speak

Trouble

When there are troubles on your chest,

it is always best

to express them

to those dear to you

and the silence is haunting

I'm Sorry

I'm sorry that I got comfortable around you

without the usual mask of reality upon my face, heart, and soul

after spending one month together

I'm sorry for believing you

when you said that you actually liked me

and that everyone else did too

I'm sorry for so easily falling into the façade

of being such close friends

and being there for each other

I'm sorry for not being like sheep

and acting like everyone else,

fawning over each and every move

of each and every person

and spicing up your life with sarcasm

I'm sorry that I wasn't entertaining enough

I'm sorry that I was under the delusion that we were all friends

that we were all having fun

that we were all enjoying ourselves

I'm sorry that the "real me"

wasn't good enough for you

didn't please you the right way

didn't make you smile every day like you wanted it to

I'm sorry to hear that

my fear has been confirmed;

you all secretly hated me

all along;

despite those reassuring words

my "bff" spouted out to me

It's nice to know

they were all lies.

We

We want to be the exception

we want to be the special one, the only one

We want to be

the best we can be

the most of the most

living with what we're given to the best of our ability

rolling with the punches

taking each opportunity that presents itself

in order to move ourselves forward

into a better, brighter future.

Do you?

Am I annoying?

Do you hate me?

You do, don't you?

That's why your reply was so succinct. So short. So insufficient. It's because you don't really give a fuck about me, because you don't really care, because, really, underneath all that caring, you despise me.

That's why you didn't reply to me. That's why you stopped following me on Twitter. That's why you posted those words that keep carving into my heart that I refuse to allow to stop carving into me. Why didn't you cut all connections?

Poison

I am eating the poison of these words, again and again, just as you did, years ago

"No one really liked you. Grow up. You know? Something you should've done when you were my age."

Though I feel pathetic for letting this pain get to me

get to me it does

and it starts to tear into me from the inside out,

beginning at the center of my core, my heart,

burning its way out, slowly

Things are building up like the pressure of water against a dam

and I can't help but think

that everything happens for a reason

this rush of pain, all of it

it's happening for a reason.

Though I know not its course.

Fear, insecurity, foolishness

How could I have trusted them?

How could I have thought I meant anything to them?

When I confided my fears, the story of my life, to her,

what did I expect in return?

Why should she open up to me?

Why should she lean on me?

I deserve not to be leaned upon.

This time,

the breaking was done to me.

I broke nothing.

Why did I think they would understand my unspoken directions

my misdirected pleas?

I was becoming vicious, uncharacteristically so, because

something was wrong.

Could you not see that?

No.

You labeled me as a troll,

though I wanted to be sweet,

bitterness is all that flowed.

I need to escape,

escape into reality.

Yet I cannot.

I am left here with nothing but my thoughts

my insecurities

and the burden of a secret on my chest,

eating away at me, in my reality

Are you out there?

Are you okay?

I'll never know.

You labeled me as troll
and so a troll I shall be

Don't fucking talk to me.

"Do you like me?"

"Sometimes."

;A;

Hey, look

I don't give a fuck.

In my moment of weakness, you found me.

Fantasies lose meaning after a while
they lose that wistful glow

Do you realize how fragile and delicate I am?
I think so sometimes.
But I don't want you to think I am weak
I am strong
I am strong

If you can get someone alone
with nothing but the stark naked truth between you
a wonder happens

It's trapped in its heart like a cage, rattling, rattling.

Poisonous

I wish that I weren't so

I wish that I weren't so

I wish that I weren't so

poi son ous.

Today just seems to be a woozy day.

I have

I have a headache and it's creeping

and it's creeping

into my skull

through the recesses of my hair

and it's creeping

and it's creeping

like a spider

like a snake

slithering

crawling

up through the veins

bringing nothing but poisonous pain

spreading, spreading

creeping creeping

upward upward

into the recesses of my brain

please, please

remove this pounding from my brain

please, please

ease this pain within my head

I have

I have a headache and it's creeping

and it's creeping

into my skull

through the recesses of my hair

and it's creeping

and it's creeping

like a spider

like a snake

slithering

crawling

up through the veins

bringing nothing but poisonous pain

spreading, spreading

creeping creeping

upward upward

into the recesses of my brain

please, please

remove this pounding from my brain

please, please

ease this pain within my head

Why

Why do you all like me so much?

Can't you see the cruelty in my heart?

The dislike?

The distaste?

Stop trying to grasp at me

I don't want to be tied down by

my nice nature

I don't want to be tied down by

you.

My goodness,

everything hurts.

Make it

s t o p .

Make it

stop.

Please

Please excuse me while I

while I

go out partying

now is not the time to

not the time

to crawl into oneself

we're

we're

through

done

gone.

It's not a mask--it never was.

I've always been happy around you
I've always been happy around people

I like people

It's Happening Again

I'm curling back up into myself

not wanting

not wanting

I'm not answering the phone when you call

I'm not answering the door when you arrive

I'm not committing to plans

I'm not I'm not not not

I'm cruel.

All these people, I'm letting them slip away from me

willing it to be so

yet occasionally giving into the pressure

saying a word

more out of boredom and common decency

than a sign that I care.

I wish they'd go away.

These nice people should get away from me

before it's too late.

Granted.

My wish has been granted.

Jacob. Sebastian. Jacob. Sebastian.

Two Names

Two names keep racing through my head, alternating the spark of attention with each shift in moment

Jacob. Sebastian. Jacob. Sebastian.

Excuse me...

Please excuse me as I curl up into myself

the fear of reactions

becoming too much

until I can't

even speak

a

word

Though I am in Pain

Though I am in pain

I will sit up tall

I will smile at you

and laugh the night through

Though I am in pain

I will cover it up

I don't want to ruin

our time spent in fun

Though I am in pain

I will do my best

not to show it

not to wreck plans

I don't want my pain

to be the cause of sadness

so I'll just keep it hidden inside

and bear it, bear it,

a moment longer

until the fun is done

and I can bear it no longer

I'm the elusive girl who doesn't give a fuck

At the question, she glanced at me for a second, mischief flashing in her eyes as her mouth curled into a mischevious smile. "I'm better now."

You Weren't There.

Where were you,

after the chaos had ended?

You should know

that the aftermath

is just as important

just as heart-wrecking

as the initial impact of destruction

You were by me

when the tears came

and my soul shattered apart

but you left

when things seemed to be clear

without even a goodbye

You disappeared

without a trace

leaving me feeling

abandoned.

Why?

Two Faced?

There is a difference
between perception
and reality

Remember that.

It isn't easy.

It's hard to be mean
when the niceness
is the instinct that oozes out first

It's hard to be nice
when your words
only remind me of the horridness
of your nature

It's hard to tell the truth
when lies are what naturally come out
I'm not saying the truth
which, really, is the same thing as lying

It's hard to lie
when your heart demands the truth
and curses deception
which you are clinging on to
with small hints
that don't mean anything to them

It's hard to tolerate you
when you keep
pushing my annoyance buttons
putting me closer, closer
to snapping in your face

Monday, Monday,
I promise to be truthful.

Let's hope.

I am

I am the girl

that you can call

at 2am

because something has gone wrong

I am the girl

who will listen to you

for an hour

to make sure you're okay

before hanging up

I am the girl

who cares so much

I just want to make you smile

I am the girl

who would do anything

for a friend. ❤

I remember...

I remember those days when we were so eager,

we'd sit there for hours

and reply, reply, reply

for pages and pages and pages

oh the fun times we once had.

I don't have those anymore.

You have perfect timing.

I was one step away from deleting everything.

Good thing I didn't, eh?

You chose the Wrong Day.

You chose the wrong day to be pushing the limits of my impossibility.

You chose the wrong day to be touching the untouchable.

I'm sorry that I made you comfortable.

I'm sorry that I seemed okay with touch.

Because, really, I'm not.

You get too too comfortable.

Which makes me uncomfortable.

But, not knowing what else to do,

I do nothing.

And the fear is growing.

Is my untouchability

lessening?

Can you not see

how afraid I am

of all of you?

The fear

that is growing

s e p a r a t i n g

me

from

you.

maybe

I would

have been

okay

with it

if that day

hadn't been

filled with

inconvenient red

and maybe it wouldn't have happened

if I would have spoken the words laid out in my mind

at the proper time

Stop it.

Stop getting closer.

No.

No.

No.

The fear is carrying over.

Into my dreams.

There is a group of four, evenly balanced, with two girls and two girls. They have a leader with a solid head on his shoulders who is quite wise. This group is quite close, and live in a kind of a strange world filled with anything but mere humans. They all thirst for blood....or so it seems. The first boy is more open than the second, and a nice guy to be around. An...amiable guy, you might say. The second boy is quieter, and doesn't quite express his emotions properly all of the time, but always thinks about everything deeply, and always notices the details others can't. The first girl is an open, bubbly girl whom is girly and flowery. An overall likable girl, who cares deeply about those close to her (aka her group). The second girl is one that stands strong against any obstacle, and always hides each weakness; this secret is her strength that keeps her charging forward, powers bared.

One and one fall in love, and when blood is spilled and consumed, word spreads that it is the most delicious, which leads all the others in the establishment and around to a dash of chaos, trying to get a taste of this ambrosia. What they don't understand is that the key is mutual love.

They just don't get it.

Two and two are getting closer, mutual touch.

When their mentor asks two if he's in love with her, he looks deep in thought, like he's really considering the question, and then responds, "I'm not sure."

But they slowly grow closer and closer.

The group is always sleeping in near proximity, of the faerie tent that is kept together and up with magic and will (not collapsing..). Two and two get closer and closer, growing as people too. He seems to understand the fear she tries to hide, and protects her at all the right moments (in the tunnels where it is their job to eradicate the insect-like monsters lurking there, both big and small)

Things seem to be going well in general...

Then the day comes when they discover a body that had been dismembered by something..large. They contact their mentor right away, demanding backup. The giant monster comes, her fear overflows, and he protects her, until the moment when the rest of the group arrives, and they kill it together.

Later, later, something goes wrong. Having not established themselves, (not really and truly and clearly) after killing all of the monsters in the assigned area of the day, he suddenly is kissing her for the first time, getting closer closer until the fear wells up inside of her and she bubbles out, "W-what are you doing?" and pushes him away, saying, "I don't like--" but he's angry, misunderstanding her incomplete sentence, standing up and storming away, "I got it. I'm out." Her eyes widen and her breath becomes quick, "No, don't--" And, quick as a candle flame, he's gone, leaving her behind, alone in this place that she is terrified of. Alone with the monsters.

The fear is growing, consuming. And, worse yet, she can feel the massive monster approaching. She backs away into a wall, feeling it getting closer, closer; her breath becoming faster and faster as her fear grows. She has to kill it. Overcome her fear and kill it, or die herself. It's upon her, and she summons up everything inside of her--fire, blooming plants within its body, tearing it apart and burning it simultaneously. The power flows from her fingers.

It isn't a perfect kill (she did get hurt(damaged)), but it's dead. She did it. With her own hands. Yet the fear still remains.

It's not over yet.

Suddenly there's someone else, thirsty, upon her, pushing her against the wall, coaxing her still so he can have a taste of her blood. He wants to see if it is the fabled ambrosia everyone is searching for. He ignores her repeated denials of his request.

"See? I'm poison," she says, pricking her finger with her teeth and letting a drop fall onto his tongue.

Soon he's on the ground, spitting the drop out of his mouth and onto the ground, cursing.

It is the monster's doing, but he doesn't know that.

She's gone.

Returning to the faerie tent, everyone is already asleep. She is shivering, the remnants of fear still pumping through her veins. It won't go away--the memory, the trauma. Her bones shake like branches in the wind, yet no one stirs. She lies down and tries to fall asleep.

Only to have silent nightmares, ending with no one left there in the morning.

Lonely. Alone. Afraid. She needs to find him, explain. It wasn't a rejection of him, just the place. The terrifying place, where everything goes wrong. Another shudder runs through her body as she steps outside to find him.

And find him she does. "I need to talk to you." But he's already walking away, the angry pain of rejection in his voice and body language, "There's no need to talk, I understand everything." And then she knows, forgives him for leaving her alone. "You couldn't have known," she whispers softly. He couldn't have known what would happen. He couldn't have known the magnitude of her fear, just as she couldn't perceive the magnitude of his. The thing about fearing something, like someone you love so dearly hating you, is it's so easy to believe that it's true. Bad things are so easy to grab on to. To accept that you didn't deserve that ending.

But. But but but.

Alone. .Still.

She ends up at their mentor's place, her bones still shaking as memories fill her head. She misses his hugs, his comfort, his touch. Yet now she's just afraid. Afraid of touch. Afraid of being alone.

She ends up asleep in his lap, like a little girl falling asleep in her father's lap. Yet, yet, he can't lay a finger on her. Not if he doesn't want her to scream. Not that he knows the magnitude his touch will have on her...not yet.

He summons the boy. "You have something to settle with this girl, do you not?"

"No. There's nothing to settle. It's done. What's done is done."

"Fine then." And then he's been kicked out by magic, forbidden to enter once more. Unwanted jealousy coursed through his veins, feeding his anger. No one should get that close to his girl. No one. Yet...is she even his girl? Was she ever his?

Not that he has an exact will to reenter at that moment. Yet, it's all part of the plan.

Their mentor touches her arm, expecting a not-good reaction, but not as horrible as it ends up being.

She jerks out of her sleep and zips across the room, a scream escaping her lips as her eyes reel in the memory. No touch. Notouchnotouchnotouch. No. Nonono. Then she flees into the forest, where she feels safe, up among the trees. Alone. Yet, surrounded by green. Nice green.

She shudders, her bones clattering together unpleasantly. Something's gone all wrong with her. Wrongwrongwrong. Poison. She's poison.

Meanwhile, he's back to the catastrophic place from the day before, and discovers the undisposed body of the massive monster. As he disposes of it himself, a realization dawns on him. This is where he'd left her all alone the day before. Alone with the thing she was most terrified with. Not in a safe place, as he'd thought. Was that why she'd pushed him away? Could she feel the fear creeping in? And when she'd tried to talk to him earlier...she hadn't looked too good, had she?

He had to find her.

Back on the surface, as he was rushing to find her, a random guy stopped him with a comment, "Dude, did you know your girlfriend is poisonous?" Ugh. Another thing that had gone wrong while he'd been away. What had he done? This guy had tried to get to her...had got to her. Fury surged through his veins, resulting in a swift punch to the face before he continued in his quest to find her. He had to find her.

And so he did.

The nectar restored.
And then took flight. A butterfly (faerie), not a vampire like all the rest.

Don't

Don't don't don't touch
don't touch me
it frightens me
when you
get close

I don't care what day you say it is
it will send me off
the deep end

especially
now

Please, remember me with fondness.

I Apologize for my Fear

I'm sorry
that I'm afraid
of people

so
afraid

The Pain

I must hide the pain that I find

deep and far away

where no one will ever find it again

yes, it is important

and it is indeed a part of me

but I don't want to see it again

I need it to be gone, be gone

yet I cannot let go

-

is it bad that when you asked me

how my week was going

I couldn't remember if it was generally going bad or good

so I checked here

to determine the correct, truthful answer

isn't it better this way?

to live in the now, forget the past?

although

there are some things one can never forget

things that haunt you day and night

linger at the edge of your thoughts, always

reminding you of the pain you once held so

sharply

in your chest

but you can't forget it, you can't make it go away

it's a survival instinct, to remember those painful things

so that they'll never happen again

never again.

The Cute Side

When faced with uncomfortable social situations, I turn on the immensely cute me.
I wonder why that is?

and it doesn't happen all the time, either.

sometimes I just crawl into myself and there I lurk, hiding insecurely

(do you like me? do you do you do you? was my humor unappreciated? were you having a bad day? what really bugs you? tell me. I want to know. I care about you. I do I do I do. sorry I can't be a better friend to you, but, you see, I'm still afraid. not of you, per se, but...of new people in general. sorry that you two had to show up when that side of me emerged. i don't think it will go away any time soon....but you, my friend, will overcome it.

won't you, Jacob?)

perhaps it is because

this time, I didn't have a choice

there was no option to just go and hide inside myself, to retreat from everyone and everything

since I had to interact,

I turned on this defense

...I rather like this defense. Don't you?

and I think those people all liked it too.

The adorable side of me

is a pleasant one to see, I think

especially when the world treats you so cruelly

and when all the others won't give you a smile or the adorable chipper responses

they won't listen to you rant, they won't not judge you like I do

...

can I go again?

With the GOOD Comes the BAD

I've started to confide the things worrying away at my heart to other people actually

they don't know how much these words mean

but they don't really have to know

the words I speak to them are like gold to me

I'm getting better, better

it's better to speak these words aloud

than to keep them inside

this, my friends, is the journey of high school

you will grow from the person you used to be

into one much better than before,

believe me

you might lose things, but you'll definitely gain

enough

it's the journey that matters

the pain along the way

will only help you to learn

to grow into something much better than before

you're slowly evolving

morphing

having your own metamorphosis

into something beautiful and grown

ah, for once

I feel beautiful inside

and ready to face the world

don't worry, this mood will be gone

by tomorrow

AND I'M LIKE, FUCK YOU AND FUCK HER TOO

T
h
e

w
i
n
d

i
s

t
e
a
r
i
n
g

m
e

a
p
a
r
t

The easiest person to cling to
is the easiest person to lose

The deepest depths of my heart, where fears lie, creep out in the darkest hours of night
before I can erect a wall,
they escape.

T h e r e it g o e s

She sits at their cluster of desks, eyes staring at the brown lines of her presumably fake wooden desktop, finger tracing endless swirls into the desk that followed no stencil, in a way akin to drawing swirls in sand. Her crystal eyes were pensive, though no one looked into them. Her table-mates were politely otherwise occupied.

One, doodling the name of the man in her life and adding excessive detail to suppress the feeling of missing him, of longing for him, of not being able to be with him. The patterns seem bright yet colorless, and the emotion poured into them is anything but bright; it softly screams of anguish, yet an outsider would be unable to tell. Each additional line, each increase in detail, shows the increasing pain in her heart, alone, alone.

Two, sitting idly at her desk, texting mysteriously on her phone (to an unknown someone) and spending the inbetween time writing random things on paper and cracking jokes, hiding the inner her that longs to be perfect, longs to be loved, longs to be accepted. Yet you'd never see it in her nonchalant smile, her carelessly sarcastic remarks about life plopped into the air.

Three, mashing his fingers into the buttons of the green SP that seems to universally fit perfectly inbetween everyone's palms, no matter who holds it, playing a game that matches his game system--Pokémon LeafGreen. His mind is otherwise occupied, but he's recently been broken up with by his girlfriend of over a year, and right before prom, too. He doesn't seem to be suffering too badly, and is rolling with the punches as he does in most situations witnessed in, and already has a new girlfriend, a new date, though one can't help but wonder of the things he is hiding, concealing from the table community. Is he suffering? Is he upset? Is his activity also his own way of coping with the hardships of life?

Four, her, our original contender, is the only one without headphones in. She's the only one not particularly doing anything at the moment, though a blank sheet of paper and pen are in front of her and a book is waiting in her bag. She's the only one without relationship problems. The only one who hasn't been kissed. The only one dateless to the prom. The only one who doesn't talk about her problems during the discussions of this secluded table community.

Yet that, the latter abnormality to the group, was about to change.

When she talks, she knows they listen. This, she is afraid of. Yet, she's more afraid of being misunderstood.

"This week is Sexual Assault Awareness Week," she mumbles, eyes steadily watching her fingers trace her imaginary swirls in nonexistent sand.

They nod, not following, not getting it.

She can't bring herself to say anything more.

The headphones blast.

S t a b

It's there, lingering, in the edge of my vision

reminding me,

stabbing at my heart

with lurches of pain

and indecision

indecision I cannot afford

I am changing, that I know,

as we all change, day by day,

we change and grow

and yet I cannot let go

I cannot relent,

I cannot go back on what i said

I will not relent

I will not regret

I will be ruthless

I will be ruthless

I will be ruthless

I am ruthless.

"yelling doesn't help anythhing"
"it makes me feel more frustrated, maybe it will help you"

XD lols
my life
is ridiculus

Good?

Is it a good thing to post less, or a good thing to post more?

Are more things going wrong?
Or am I gathering up more courage to say more things?

Which is it?

Are things getting better or worse?

Somehow

It's like you knew

the poison I was feeding my mind

and decided

to alleviate it

yet

Tempted.

I'm tempted to just slip away for a while

avoid their care and smiles

I want to stop mooching

I want to s t o p .

Yet you've forgotten, haven't you?

and I'm hiding it well.

Distaste

There's a distaste in my mouth

yet

there's a certain remaining fondness in my mind

from recorded memories

that can never be fictionalized

Hey,

are we friends?

are we are we?

and you, my dear fluffy-haired friend

I can read your message loud and clear

I am not important to you

not really

but that's fine by me

I have other people whom I am important to

who I matter to

who don't

carelessly do

what you do

I'm just...how shall we say?

convenient?

so fucking convenient, aren't I?

like a moldable doll

that never says no

yet always refuses

you can't get close to me

no no no no no no

you'll never get what you want

not until you start caring

And he moved away. And I never saw or heard from him again.

Such is life, I suppose.

Yes, you care, and are concerned for the time being, but soon you forget
you forget

and time slips on
the issue still there, hiding, forgotten

I'm screaming at you but you aren't listening
you aren't listening

You..

It's like you just know that I'm mad at you

but really, it isn't all that noticeable

you're just being you, and I'm approving of a certain side that I see

and the one I am left with is the one I am sticking with

I wonder if you know

that this is it

I wonder if you understand

the importance of this last year

next year, I could disappear off the face of the planet

you could never hear from me again

but I'd still be out there, existing

without you

I wonder if you understand

how easy it is for me to let go

because, really, I don't have to deal with people I don't want to deal with

next year

It's easy to let go of someone

you'll never have to see or think about again

get rid of all familiar things and memories

start afresh, start anew

THEY'RE ACROSS THE FREAKING COUNTRY

IT DOESN'T MATTER IF THE BOTH OF YOU FUCKED THINGS UP

IT'S OVER, IT'S GONE, AND YOU CAN PRETEND IT DOESN'T MATTER

BUT REALLY, IT DOES SOMETIMES

AND EVERY TIME YOU SEE HIS NAME

EVERY TIME YOU SCROLL THROUGH THE NUMBERS ON YOUR PHONE

AND SEE HIS NAME

YOU JUST CAN'T FORGET, CAN YOU

YOU JUST CAN'T LET GO OF PEOPLE SO EASILY

AND YOU'RE STILL FRIENDS ON FACEBOOK

THOUGH YOU REFUSE TO INTERACT WITH HIM

AND HE REFUSES TO INTERACT WITH YOU,

NOT THAT HE EVER STARTED A CONVERSATION WITH YOU IN THE FIRST PLACE

AND THE PLACE WHERE YOU MET IS NO LONGER A SAFE, HAPPY PLACE FOR YOU

YOU'VE ABANDONED THAT PLACE, TOO

TRYING TO FORGET IT ALL

BUT REMINDERS HIDE HERE AND THERE

AND YOU CAN'T ESCAPE

but

that's not who we're talking about, is it?

and you refuse to let go of the memories, don't you?

you can't delete his number from your phone.

you can't erase the memories from your mind.

anyways

next year

the future

I feel...pathetic compared to all of you

I'm just a fuck-up

I didn't do anything right

didn't do all of my work, didn't pass all of my classes all of the time, didn't meet the deadline

and tried not to care

..

it didn't work

I care too much about the results

about your results

about my results

about failed potential, possibilites

like that old guy who still lives with his parents

pathetic, pathetic pathetic

sometimes I think I'll never amount to anything

sometimes I wonder if amounting to anything is even possible for me at this point

after so much screw-upss

though

next year it's a fresh slate

though I'll probably fuck that up too

I always start positive, swear I'll get better

and then I don't

I never ever do

and you.

what is this thing we're doing?

what is it what is it what is it

what does it mean?

does it mean anything at all?

do I mean anything at all?

you're never ever ever there

You.

I'm afraid this year is going to end on a note of distaste.

And you know what? There aren't going to be any years to follow this, to make me like you again. Seems the cycle shall end on a bad note, not that I mind, really. All the negatives always outweigh the positives.

The funny thing is, the other cycle ended in the opposite. Sucks for you, I suppose.

Not that you ever really valued me as a friend anyways.

Past and Present

We used to be such good friends...

we used to have such good times...

but things change

people change

and things die

The Hidden Dark Side of Things

She shows up, uncomfortably, bag in hand filled with convenient distractions for when things could potentially get awkward while she is stranded here. Her eyes dart around the room, a friendly smile on her face as an uncertain look wavers in her eyes. The host leads her into the kitchen, where she deposits her contribution to the snack stash and to the dinner funds. Eyes take in the Styrofoam cups, the wooden table, the old tiled floor. Attention fixes to the strange gadget hanging on the wall, red numbers blaring mysterious information she understands not.

Friendly host-like words are spoken, she selects a cup and meticulously proclaims her name upon it. Then she slips into the back, where the other girls are lurking, watching a movie she has no attachment or interest in. She feels out of place, yet not altogether uncomfortable.

Eventually people bunch in this small, back room. Strange exchanges are made, none involving her. She throws in a sweet word or two amongst the war of dirty innuendos and jokes. She doesn't belong here.

With a deck of cards she lures a number of people out to the wooden table that is not quite round, with mismatching chairs squeezed around it. Her game is unknown, but already liked. More chairs are mismatched, squeezed around the table. The game begins, her lips moving rapidly to explain each mystery to their untouched minds, trying to get them to understand. What they begin to understand is the game, not her mystery, not her discomfort.

The door opens behind her. Hopeful eyes wander over to the door, only to be disappointed. When glancing at the list of invitees, only one of them had been her friend friend, and he had yet to show up. Until that anticipated moment, she was left here, surrounded by friendly acquaintances that would never reach the realm of friendship.

The game continued, her eyes wandering occasionally (reluctantly yet inevitably) over to the boy who had once tried to court her. He was the one who had made the decision to avoid her after it failed, to pretend that she didn't exist at all, and she was the one who had followed that created standard religiously. Not that she believed in religion anymore.

Every time she would turn a cold eye away, she could feel her internal walls building up, hating the world around her, trying to protect herself, reject the others. Trying to be safe. Unafraid.

But none of these worries seemed to matter anymore. He'd found a new object of his affection. She was no longer obligated to feel awkward around him, like she disappointed him in some unspeakable way and now he hated her for it. His girlfriend seemed to be the cure to their poisonously hostile current relationship, making the tenseness slowly get eaten away by her limited antidote that could never eradicate all of the poison.

She is the one that you can never obtain, not really. You'll feel so close, and then you'll realize that you're actually so very far away from her heart. You are only close in comparison to all the others, trying to get at her heart. And eventually you'll see that she's not letting just anyone into her heart. You'll see hints at the painful bits of her past that made her this way. So...distant. Unreachable.

You tell her about others' affection for her because you know it's better to just let them get it out and over with. She'd never notice otherwise, and really, she'll never love you or anyone else. Not in the way you love her.

It's just fleeting affection, anyways. The immature love of a teenager. Something that won't last forever. The pain will be gone soon.

Just Like You

I'm just like you

I'm scared too

of so many things

what if's and unanswered questions

people and actions

but you can't escape fear

you can only avoid it

for as long as possible

until you conquer it

(but we all know that that's impossible)

I sometimes wonder if they can see it

if they somehow just know

how afraid I am

how delicate I am

yet still, aloof

trying not to show how much I really care and notice

and thereby forming a mindset of my own

taking over the one inside

It's strange

how

different the theoretical me I conjure alone and so late at night

is from the real me, surrounded and interacting with people

or should I say, that that is the tangible me, the action side of me

as opposed to the theoretical

that doesn't seem to exist

consider the saying

"Actions speak louder than words"

then the me that ponders

does not exist

so then,

who am I?

I'm used to people receiving me coldly with unfriendly eyes
so it always surprises me to be warmly accepted when I go places/join groups

yet I always fear
the

Afraid

There is this common fear among humanity--the fear of being alone.

We're all terrified to end up completely and truly alone

yet

we can't help the doubts and reservations that form naturally in our minds

the bad always sticks worse than the good

and we forget the good in people

remembering only the bad

only the time when we'd been betrayed or heartbroken

or left all alone

again

so we can't help mistrusting people

based on our only remembered events when trusting lead to pain

forgetting all the occasions when trusting paid off

we only seem to remember pain

the pain that shapes our bodies

shapes us

though the good is made so much better by the bitter

the bad

the painful

it's funny when you can go back, and see

what caused your sources of mistrust

when all along you'd thought something was wrong with you

(or, perhaps, this is your nature, and you're merely blaming it on bad memories)

I wonder why I like apples

I really shouldn't

..

maybe they're just completely unrelated

a different, separate schema, you could say

why, I wonder,

do I decide things with such great resolve

and then go back, go back, take them away in action?

is there a memory I can trace this to?

I can't find one

yet

I think that, to an extent, I'm extremely greedy when it comes to pleasing myself

I always break my own promises

my own convictions

just to make that moment in life a little bit sweeter

(though the later time I sometimes regret)

.

and so goes the cycle

make a promise, break it, remorse, conviction to make another, repeat

..curiously enough, I can break so many promises to myself

yet none to others

if I ever broke a promise to a friend, it might crush me into little pieces on the inside

I'd be groveling for forgiveness

even when they'd already forgiven

this is why memories fade

so we can forget the things that hurt us

the things that we regret

the things we can't change, no matter what

I don't know why my brain is so wired

I should probably go to bed

this flux of emotion is

I'm not hard enough on myself
I need to be harder
stricter
tougher
more unrelenting

so I can succeed

You want to know why I get these grades?
Because I'm a failure
as a person

I lack the basic characteristics to succeed
and thus I fail

Your actions are training me extraordinarily well in the art of not caring

Without these precious connections things twist unnicely each and every day.

Twisting and twisting and twisting....

I am such a
such a
n inadequate friend

I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop I miss my laptop

A friend in need is a friend indeed
a friend with weed is better
my Japanese is better
a friend who bleeds is better

Not a fun nap, but a warm nap.

The ankle brace is the culprit of pain, removed sock and all

dear phone, when im laying in bed with you, pushing all your buttons, please dont randomly decide to obey gravity and hit me in the nose. thanks. sincerely, late night texters everywhere

Son: Dad, I got a girlfriend
Dad: Good job! Is she cute?

Daughter: Dad, I got a boyfriend
Dad: Oh no you didn't! *loads shotgun*


Mom: Did you get home okay?
Me: No, Mom. I got shot, run over, kidnapped, and raped.
Mom: Oh, that's good.

A teenage gets a packet at home. The father watches him/her open it:
Teen: Yes! I've been waiting for this forever!
Father: ? There is only bubble wrap in there, but nothing else.
Teen: Exactly, what do you think I ordered?
(Starts popping it.)


gatta problem with me?solve it
think im trippen?tie my shoe
cant stand me?sit back down
cant face me?turn around
sorry im rihanna.i dont love the way you lie


I like turtles because they're so chill. They don't hurt anyone. They're just like, "Hey man, I want to swim, and maybe eat some lettuce. But I'm gonna take my time getting there, I'm not in a rush. Because I'm a turtle."


Your car is Japanese. Your Vodka is Russian. Your pizza is Italian. Your kebab is Turkish. Your democracy is Greek. Your coffee is Brazilian. Your movies are American. Your Beers are German. Your shirt is Indian. Your oil is Saudi Arabian. Your electronics are Chinese. Your number--Arabic, your letters--Latin. And you complain that your neighbor is an immigrant? Like if you're against racism.

It's funny how we can remember the lyrics to hundreds of songs, but can't remember anything when we study for a test

Lost your pen= No pen=No notes=No study=Fail=No diploma=no work=no money=no food=you get skinny=you get Ugly=no love=no marriage=no children= alone
alone=depression
depression=sickness
sickness=death
Lesson: Don’t lose your pen, you will die.. :P

Ooh, you deleted me off Facebook. Is that your final revenge? What's next, you throw a Fruit Loop at the back of my head and expect it to hurt?

It's not that I hate you.. it's just, let me put it this way, if you were on fire and I had water, I'd drink it.

I hate those posts where it describes your life incredibly right, and you wanna show it off to the world, but you can't.

PICK UP LINES

If I could rearrange the alphabet, I would put U and I together.

Stop, drop, and roll, baby. You are on fire.

So they aren't fictional...


four main reasons a girl will stop texting back.
One - You said something that made her mad
Two - You just started to get boring
Three - She fell asleep
Four - You said the letter "K"


No guy or girl is perfect in this world. Each person is only half perfect. And when you find that other half in your life, you make the perfect couple.

If you ignore me, I will ignore you. If you dont start the conversation, we wont talk. If you don't put in the effort, why should I?

To her classmates;
She is a quiet girl.. who doesn't talk that much.
To her friends;
She is a funny, outgoing girl.. that always makes them laugh.
To her best friend;
She is a crazy, fun girl.. that's always there for her.
To her boyfriend;
She is an amazing girl.. that he loves more than anything.
And to herself;
She's completely worthless..

I am a waste of time, space, and air on this planet
no more resources should be wasted on me

I need to be perfect. More perfect than all the others.
I need to try harder. Achieve more than anyone else.

yet I keep falling short
failing
being a failure

No attitude is right.

The blame can't be pushed on other things,
for that's just avoiding responsibility

but it can't be right to just blame it all on oneself

Get in the car now
No!
Get in the car right now!
Ugh! Fine!

Whereas I, I do not exist.

My stomach is in a constant state of

unsettledness

The Pokémon in Southwestern Pakistan...

I read Pakistan as Pokémon....what does this say about me?

I don't give a damn, I'm happy as a clam

I seem to be retreating, retreating
slowly into my shell
try as I might not to
it seems I'm not hanging out with the right people

they shut me up inside, make me unable to say
anything
and I like them (and I) less and less


it's like something's shriveled up and died inside
there's this insatiable need to do something
and the inability to do anything
to occupy my fingers, my mind

and so it drifts
(sinks?)

I suppose you could call me lonely.
or you could just call me isolated.

either way,
I'm alone

Why is it so hard to breathe?

Why is it so hard to breathe?

Spiteful monster, begone
Yet it can never be banished
linger linger
ooze

I feel like crying and screaming
I wouldn't mind falling down some stairs

and breaking everything

I used to be so courageous
now I'm just afraid

Then, Now

I used to be able to run after you
I used to be able to stop myself from falling behind
I couldn't say anything then,
and I can't say anything now

I can't even

I can't say what I want to say because my mind is filled with doubt
I miss my confidence
I miss myself
I miss you

Woke up at 1am because the pain started kicking in...iced it and more meds, now back to bed....

My heel breaks toes!

It's better for my health
to just not care