You..

It's like you just know that I'm mad at you

but really, it isn't all that noticeable

you're just being you, and I'm approving of a certain side that I see

and the one I am left with is the one I am sticking with

I wonder if you know

that this is it

I wonder if you understand

the importance of this last year

next year, I could disappear off the face of the planet

you could never hear from me again

but I'd still be out there, existing

without you

I wonder if you understand

how easy it is for me to let go

because, really, I don't have to deal with people I don't want to deal with

next year

It's easy to let go of someone

you'll never have to see or think about again

get rid of all familiar things and memories

start afresh, start anew

THEY'RE ACROSS THE FREAKING COUNTRY

IT DOESN'T MATTER IF THE BOTH OF YOU FUCKED THINGS UP

IT'S OVER, IT'S GONE, AND YOU CAN PRETEND IT DOESN'T MATTER

BUT REALLY, IT DOES SOMETIMES

AND EVERY TIME YOU SEE HIS NAME

EVERY TIME YOU SCROLL THROUGH THE NUMBERS ON YOUR PHONE

AND SEE HIS NAME

YOU JUST CAN'T FORGET, CAN YOU

YOU JUST CAN'T LET GO OF PEOPLE SO EASILY

AND YOU'RE STILL FRIENDS ON FACEBOOK

THOUGH YOU REFUSE TO INTERACT WITH HIM

AND HE REFUSES TO INTERACT WITH YOU,

NOT THAT HE EVER STARTED A CONVERSATION WITH YOU IN THE FIRST PLACE

AND THE PLACE WHERE YOU MET IS NO LONGER A SAFE, HAPPY PLACE FOR YOU

YOU'VE ABANDONED THAT PLACE, TOO

TRYING TO FORGET IT ALL

BUT REMINDERS HIDE HERE AND THERE

AND YOU CAN'T ESCAPE

but

that's not who we're talking about, is it?

and you refuse to let go of the memories, don't you?

you can't delete his number from your phone.

you can't erase the memories from your mind.

anyways

next year

the future

I feel...pathetic compared to all of you

I'm just a fuck-up

I didn't do anything right

didn't do all of my work, didn't pass all of my classes all of the time, didn't meet the deadline

and tried not to care

..

it didn't work

I care too much about the results

about your results

about my results

about failed potential, possibilites

like that old guy who still lives with his parents

pathetic, pathetic pathetic

sometimes I think I'll never amount to anything

sometimes I wonder if amounting to anything is even possible for me at this point

after so much screw-upss

though

next year it's a fresh slate

though I'll probably fuck that up too

I always start positive, swear I'll get better

and then I don't

I never ever do

and you.

what is this thing we're doing?

what is it what is it what is it

what does it mean?

does it mean anything at all?

do I mean anything at all?

you're never ever ever there