1:19am
Stop being there for me because then I'll want to rely on you and if I rely on you that will only be a burden to you, which will then make me withdraw the second I see you going through hardship and not relying on me back. Though, really, why would you rely on me back? You have much better, more quality friends than I. People always do. They don't realize how much I care about them and worry and worry and worry and imagine. Oh god imagination is the worse sort of thing a person can do when they've got vampires inside their head. Things start to creep and form and twist in your mind until all you can see is darkness in the world and you stop seeing the positive or trying to be daring because all you can see and predict, all of the blank space, is filled in with such horrible things that can't possibly be true but you accept them all the same, and live in a constant fear of your dark imagination turning into reality.
Stop being there for me because I will want to rely on you and the more I rely on you, the more I will expect you to be there, and so when you're not there things will just go bad, they'll go downhill, and I'll want you to be there, and I'll wish for you to be there, but I cannot express this desire because I don't want you to feel bad about not being there when I needed you because really it isn't your fault that my mind and my fingers run so fast, so rapidly into darkness when it gets late at night and the world seems oh so very far away and I want you to be there for me.
So just don't be there for me, okay? Because I don't want to rely on you, and trust you, and love you, only to have all of that taken away from me for some unknown, unforseen reason, leaving me worse off than before.. I don't want that, okay? I don't want things taken away from me. I want to remain whole, even if that means being alone. I want to be okay. I want to be okay.
I'll just end up chasing you away.
I always do.
1:28am
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