Son: Dad, I got a girlfriend
Dad: Good job! Is she cute?

Daughter: Dad, I got a boyfriend
Dad: Oh no you didn't! *loads shotgun*


Mom: Did you get home okay?
Me: No, Mom. I got shot, run over, kidnapped, and raped.
Mom: Oh, that's good.

A teenage gets a packet at home. The father watches him/her open it:
Teen: Yes! I've been waiting for this forever!
Father: ? There is only bubble wrap in there, but nothing else.
Teen: Exactly, what do you think I ordered?
(Starts popping it.)


gatta problem with me?solve it
think im trippen?tie my shoe
cant stand me?sit back down
cant face me?turn around
sorry im rihanna.i dont love the way you lie


I like turtles because they're so chill. They don't hurt anyone. They're just like, "Hey man, I want to swim, and maybe eat some lettuce. But I'm gonna take my time getting there, I'm not in a rush. Because I'm a turtle."


Your car is Japanese. Your Vodka is Russian. Your pizza is Italian. Your kebab is Turkish. Your democracy is Greek. Your coffee is Brazilian. Your movies are American. Your Beers are German. Your shirt is Indian. Your oil is Saudi Arabian. Your electronics are Chinese. Your number--Arabic, your letters--Latin. And you complain that your neighbor is an immigrant? Like if you're against racism.

It's funny how we can remember the lyrics to hundreds of songs, but can't remember anything when we study for a test

Lost your pen= No pen=No notes=No study=Fail=No diploma=no work=no money=no food=you get skinny=you get Ugly=no love=no marriage=no children= alone
alone=depression
depression=sickness
sickness=death
Lesson: Don’t lose your pen, you will die.. :P

Ooh, you deleted me off Facebook. Is that your final revenge? What's next, you throw a Fruit Loop at the back of my head and expect it to hurt?

It's not that I hate you.. it's just, let me put it this way, if you were on fire and I had water, I'd drink it.

I hate those posts where it describes your life incredibly right, and you wanna show it off to the world, but you can't.