Afraid

There is this common fear among humanity--the fear of being alone.

We're all terrified to end up completely and truly alone

yet

we can't help the doubts and reservations that form naturally in our minds

the bad always sticks worse than the good

and we forget the good in people

remembering only the bad

only the time when we'd been betrayed or heartbroken

or left all alone

again

so we can't help mistrusting people

based on our only remembered events when trusting lead to pain

forgetting all the occasions when trusting paid off

we only seem to remember pain

the pain that shapes our bodies

shapes us

though the good is made so much better by the bitter

the bad

the painful

it's funny when you can go back, and see

what caused your sources of mistrust

when all along you'd thought something was wrong with you

(or, perhaps, this is your nature, and you're merely blaming it on bad memories)

I wonder why I like apples

I really shouldn't

..

maybe they're just completely unrelated

a different, separate schema, you could say

why, I wonder,

do I decide things with such great resolve

and then go back, go back, take them away in action?

is there a memory I can trace this to?

I can't find one

yet

I think that, to an extent, I'm extremely greedy when it comes to pleasing myself

I always break my own promises

my own convictions

just to make that moment in life a little bit sweeter

(though the later time I sometimes regret)

.

and so goes the cycle

make a promise, break it, remorse, conviction to make another, repeat

..curiously enough, I can break so many promises to myself

yet none to others

if I ever broke a promise to a friend, it might crush me into little pieces on the inside

I'd be groveling for forgiveness

even when they'd already forgiven

this is why memories fade

so we can forget the things that hurt us

the things that we regret

the things we can't change, no matter what

I don't know why my brain is so wired

I should probably go to bed

this flux of emotion is