The girl you love is alone in the night crying and contemplating suicide and there's nothing you can do for her

it tears you apart

"You will fall in love with your friends. Deep, passionate love. You will create a second family with them, a kind of tribe that makes you feel less vulnerable. Sometimes our families can’t love us all the time. Sometimes we’re born into families who don’t know how to love us properly. They do as much as they can but the rest is up to our friends. They can love you all the time, without judgement. At least the good ones can."
          --The People You Will Fall In Love With In Your Twenties, Ryan O’Connell

Selfish needy perfectionist annoying doesn't know truths doesn't speak her mind always so hidden you can't see a speck of light she emits

but loves me still?

I don't think I'll last another year like this

So lonely she can't stand people

"I am making meaning with my life."
Dr Tiff Holland

Pass out in the morning then two panic attacks later super fun day it was
then another cut, this one on my wrist. Bandaid bandaid

Wavering Steady

You'll never know,
when I come or go,
but I'm here to stay,
I'm here to stay

I passed out again...on a stack of hangers. It hurts...it's never been this bad before

Perfect

How can you call me the perfect girl for you when I'm not perfect at all not to you  not to anyone.

I need to change who I am.

I made people mean nothing because that was easier than actually having them mean something. Easier to eliminate them in my mind, slaughter them from my consciousness. It was meant to protect myself from them leaving. Because everyone always leaves. I need to try harder to keep them close.
I'm sorry that I'm crying about stupid things insignificant things things that are nothing compared to well everyone else. The things that upset me shouldn't sorry sorry I'm not supposed to be sad my life is perfect heading on the straight path towards destruction.

Leech

I've been dragging him down again pulling him back into sadness drenching him with my depression

How do I undo that? How do I stop?

I don't walk elegantly

selfish inconsiderate thoughtless

I am selfish I am selfish I am selfish I am selfish I am selfish I am selfish I am selfish I am selfish I am selfish I am selfish I am selfish I am thoughtless

Unjustified

No one likes the perfect girl with the perfect life who still isn't satisfied with anything.
There is no justification for her sadness.

Wrong.

You aren't enough for me by yourself, so I need at least one more person in addition to you. And it must be a girl. I like girls. Especially a specific girl that isn't you...

You keep making that face and I just can't do it anymore you're no good I'll have to find my pleasure elsewhere...

You're too needy I can't always be there for you. It's annoying.

I've decided I like her more than you. She has all the things I ever looked for in a girl, all the things that you don't have. 

You weren't the girl I thought you to be. I don't see you as a person anymore. Sorry, I don't think I can carry on like this...

You aren't as smart as I gave you credit for; so boring. 

You're disgusting. Repulsive. Go away. I never want to see you again.

I'm worthless...not good enough for you. Goodbye.

Hurt

But embracing malice doesn't sound as nice as sadistic, now does it?

I listen to voices that cannot speak
and talk to boys that cannot listen

I'm going to look up suicide stories tonight

An endless nightmare

I starve myself far too often.

I deserve no confidence.

As you turn to go he reaches out and holds you close, just one last moment before you go, one breath then a smile and depart

I love you. 
I will never let you go.

Going through the motions of loving me is so easy isn't it isn't it

You don't trust me after all
and with good reason

Pride

I've always been so smart, smarter than most of the other children in school. But as the years go by everyone surpasses me in intelligence, and I struggle to retain my status as "smart". But I am no longer the smart one, the intelligent one, the girl who knows what she is doing. It's hard for me, as I never used to have to try, and now must put forth so much effort for the simplest of concepts. And I screw myself over constantly because I think that I can master the material by absorbing the information presented in class but now that isn't enough and I don't want to admit it until it's too late, half the semester's gone by and I have no idea what I am doing. I try to catch up but there's just a mountain of information I must master on my own and looking at the most current things with my mind turning up blank intimidates me further. I create a huge obstacle for myself, so large that I have no choice but to deal with it but have no means to. It's too large of an issue for me by myself to handle. And to ask for help would be admitting to both myself and others that I alone have failed, that I am not handling things in the slightest on my own, that I created this huge problem for myself. It's all my fault and because of my inadequacies and bad habits that all of this is happening. And I don't want to tell other people that. Admit that to anyone else. Because they'd judge. Look down on me. As they should.

Ultimatum

I'm planning an ultimatum.
And I'm not giving you a choice.


because I always need a trump card.

Blooming

Love is about letting it grow
Letting go of all those restrictions placed upon your heart by the former cruelty of man
Growing fond of each and every quirk
                                          every difference
                                            every oddity

until there is no remaining part
that has escaped the wide arc of your heart

Hysteria

No one understands how hysterical I am
or how hysterical I can become

Breathe, Bianca, Breathe

I am nothing but dust on the pavement, drifting in the wind

Starting the day off with a jar full of tears
and it never getting better throughout all of the years

Not Me

You get a text from your girlfriend. One of many. Usually, the little tone of her saying hey listen lightens your heart and makes you smile. But the taste of her texts is anything but bright. Stress had collided with you both since this afternoon's parting, and the texts are fraught with anguish.
Still, your heart can't help but flutter as you pick up your phone from beside you on the bed and read the latest text.
Your heart falls deep into your chest. She's crying. Your precious girl is upset and you're nowhere nearby to make her smile. This injustice frantically spurns you to action. Then you're off, a knight in shining clanking armor, on a quest to save the princess.



She cries a lot. You can't really stop her sadness, but you try best you can to make her smile, at least. Her words go so fast and her voice breaks so often, you can almost taste the desperate truth in her uttered confessions. She wants to share, wants to let you deep inside her heart so that she can be understood. All she wants is to be understood.
A car ride ends with kisses and laughter, though through her smile you can still see the tears. The two of you enter the house together, she pausing at the crossroads and staring at the foreign activity of a household unwelcome to her. A fear of distaste in her eyes, lingering fragments from the meltdown en route to this point, freezes her in place as she tries to smile and say hello. Her voice shakes. You command her to the bedroom (safe haven), and she follows at your touch.
Her body, her heart, is shaky. Her breaths are uneven. Nothing about her seems stable, but you are near. She cries some more, and you wipe her tears away and kiss her again. She loves it when you wipe her tears away and kiss her again.

You go to leave, on a quick errand for her, and her fingers desperately pull you closer, her eyes still wet with past tears as her voice breaks beneath the frantic plea of please don't go. You stay.

Misplaced Dreams

When I was in high school, there was so much possibility for the future. It didn't matter if I slipped up here and there with grades in high school. Once I got to college, it all started over and was disregarded. The future seemed impossibly bright.

Back then, I had three paths I wanted to take once I entered college. Computer programming, astronomy, or psychology. I decided to explore these best I could before entering the linear path of college, where every class you took was aimed towards your specific major. I took Netweb Design, Astronomy, AP Psychology. Loved all of them.
Lingering in the back of my mind was always writing. But I've always been told not to major in such a thing, for in reality it gets you nowhere.

Based on the majors I wanted to love, I chose schools excellent for them. I dreamt of going to Stanford, majoring in psychology, getting a masters in it, learning all there is to know about the human psych. A topic that I'd loved going through in high school, loved learning all the little bits and pieces about over that year of AP Psychology. And still I find the human psyche incredibly fascinating and would love to study more about it, learn more, discover more, understand more...
Neumont is my tech dream school. All the way in Utah. Definitely colder than Texas. And definitely much more expensive than any college in Texas. But it looks so wonderful and it's everything that I'd ever want in a college and I really want to go there I have a huge poster on my wall from there and everything I got cool mail from them asked them to send me cool things yet still alas not going there never going there too far too expensive too much no.

As for Astronomy...that's always been a passive interest of mine. Like writing. Yet a bit more directionless. Because what would I do? How would I make money? Would I enjoy it? I just don't know. I have no idea. So I'll keep taking astronomy courses (Stellar Astronomy!) trying to explore knowledge and possibilities. But probably not going in that directionless direction...mmmm.

Another reason that I'll never accomplish any of my initial dreams is that I fucked up. Big time. I failed to get perfect grades. Actually failed one course. So now no school will ever want me. It's what everyone tells me. And financial aid will rebel against me if this keeps up, and then I'll have nothing. No funds, no future, nothing. 

The only solution? Fuck college get a job. 

Yet I so don't want to.

Hope Hurts

It's funny how different a day can feel when it goes not at all like expected

like, when you expect to be sitting alone all day and suddenly your boyfriend shows up and joins you, it's a pleasant, brightening surprise

but when you expect to spend morning and afternoon into the evening with him and don't, then, it's a bit more lonely, more

disappointing

at least I have internet and music

and people to try and cheer me up? isn't that nice. 

scowling little me. I'll pretend it's school and move on. Please leave me alone. Please don't.

Lonely.

Discord Among Friends

It's always the hardest thing to deal with, when your friends don't like each other. Because then you feel like you should keep them apart, distance them from each other so their feelings of dislike do not grow. But you can't always accomplish that. So a tension grows in your heart. Trying to hide people from people, but everyone knows you can't hide people. People are too significant. 

The worst kind of discord is one within something that was supposed to be so solid. So certain, so sure, the one thing that was supposed to remain constant over the years. 

But, as it seems, nothing ever does remain constant. It always fluctuates.

Growing Gap

I've created a distance between us
by spending so much time with him
I feared it'd be like this
and he doesn't understand

Devestating

God, there's tears on my keyboard.

The Jon's no longer a part of SPG. They'll never be the same. And I missed out on their last performance together. I should have gone. I should have gone, no matter what.

Everything's ruined.

Memoir of Fear

I used to be afraid of hate. Of it growing in those I love until it blocked me out entirely. Then it became something more than a darkness haunting the edges of my dreams. It became reality.

Confession: I haven't been dealing.

Why would a mother call the cops on her own child? And lie about the situation into more extremes, even though nothing was going to actually fucking happen? Why the hell would she do that? Does she even know how scarring that can be? And then carry on like nothing fucking happened...leaving you to deal with it all by yourself. Why the fuck would she do that?

What do you do when you're the only person in the world that cares about someone? When not even their family gives a damn?


And on and on and fucking on.
Vague, stupid me. Going to idiots. 
Because I have to.  

Without Worth

My parents make me feel worthless.

I wonder if they realize?

Predator

I'd rather no one know precisely what it is I am capable of
so that I can always catch them by surprise
off guard
unexpected
with no room or time to
react

Contradictions

They want us to be able to live independently, to hold so much responsibility, yet at each step towards freedom they tighten the cage. Deny opportunities that will progress us forward, keep us contained in the space where we can do naught. Inhibit our growth, take away progress, load us up only on hindrances, and slowly suffocate us with the safety of unproductivity. Of home.

Dawning Realization

There's that moment
where your tear-streaked eyes look into his
and suddenly he realizes
suddenly it all becomes so clear,
the absurd amount of grief in your heart
and he the reason

You can see the horrible realization so clearly in his eyes
that you cannot bear it, and turn away

I just

I just want all my friends to like each other and I don't want everything to fall apart and I want everything to work out just fine
and I want people to like me and be my friend so I won't be alone but at the same time I could care less about people people don't matter but you can't always be with me and I hate to be alone I hate to be alone I hate to be alone

You make me so sad my heart hurts

Too Much

I just can't do this anymore nothing is working really what's the point of having friends no one understands how much I need them and then it's such a challenge such a stress to bring them all together with such a definite deadline why even try anymore I can't do it I can't do it I can't

A caged bird will only yearn for the open skies denied it.

Whatever

I'm only good for whatever
and it hurts

inadequate me can't change a thing
can't help anyone
can't make anyone happy

not at all

Push

I'm too fragile for this.

Stirring

a horrible stirring surrounded my heart and started moving in a most awful direction of tears

I didn't want to let it out, let it grow
but I had no will to suppress it either
tears started fighting their way out
and I started wiping them away

and you just sat there
trying not to look at me
as I sat trying not to look at you
because it hurt to look at you
it hurt
to see your unfazed face unbothered by anything even me

Lonely

You make me feel so lonely sometimes

You have the potential to make or break me
and so often
I sit there, letting the feelings fester inside me, around my heart, leaving it hollow with its stirrings
but I never want to say anything
I don't want to seem pathetic, or needy or
and sometimes I just want you near
without prompting

some kind of proof of affection


your words hurt more than you know
already tired of me
and so the song repeats
and you won't understand


I keep screwing up, reversing things
shattering trust
making you afraid of me and the things I can do, the things I can break
I don't want to stop being a human in your eyes
I don't want
to lose you



and I can't solve this loneliness
because it isn't fair to you
I'm such a temptress
I should want nothing

.
something broke inside me today
smash
shatter
crash

Together

Lying in your arms

nustled against you

was the most wonderful undeserved

feeling

Mattering

If I can't make you matter
or make you feel like you matter
why should I matter at all?
what good am I?

Naturally, everyone leaves.

There is no alternative.

My god, I'm killing him.

Why would you?

Why would you like me?
I'm absolute shit.

Never there for you when you need me, always making things difficult, never telling you things or relying on you nearly enough
I'm a fucking zombie who can't feel emotions right, and when I do feel them, I can't identify them in words, much less tell you about them or express them properly.
I feel trapped by the littlest of things
I'm not fair in the slightest. Not at all.
I lock up into silence and you can't unlock me
You can pressure me into anything, and I may or may not hate me for it later
You can't even fuck me, and I'm gross in a multitude of ways, from my head down to my toes. Oh all the ways I can repulse a man. I've got a list in my head. A list of why I'm atrocious. And I know you hate me already. All this needs is a little push, and my world is destroyed.

Because I'm a horrible person, and I deserve it.
You even said so.

Lonely, Aren't You?

You're just dating me because you're lonely.

You aren't letting go because you know there's no one else to hold on to.

There's nothing particularly special about me except for the fact that I like you and care about you and am there for you to the best of my abilities. You put up with my shit and with me because you know I won't leave or abandon you.
But I'm still expecting you to leave me any day now. You're so dissatisfied.
Yet I know you won't because I'm your guaranteed, easy option.





You hate me, you said so. So many times now.
So why won't you go?

Cannot Undo

There is no taking back the words

that feed my perfect nightmare

you see,

I can convince myself

that anyone hates me

it especially helps

when you let me know

that I was right

Songs of Slashing, 1 2 3

To destroy:

1. Never There - Cake
2. Because Of You - Kelly Clarkson
3. Freaking Me Out - Simple Plan
4. According To You - Orianthi

Each song, each lyric, cut into me; emphasized my shortcomings and wrongdoings.

The month I was gone in Puerto Rico, failing to be with you, to be there for you, to be your supporting rock. Failing you repeatedly. Leaving you with so many doubts, so little solaces.

The night in the rain filled with mistakes; the trust I fear will never be right again. So many things I fear will never be right again.

I keep making mistakes, creating more and more doubts in your mind when all I want to do is make you happy. I'm being unfair; I'm being selfish. I'm not being nice to you in the slightest. I keep asking for selfish things and giving nothing of the like in return. I see no pleasure your pleasure. It doesn't make sense to me. None of this does. It feels all backwards. Weird. Odd. Strange.

I hate it when you're upset. About anything. Especially trivial things that don't matter or really seem the way you say they are. I hate it when you argue with your brother. In that harsh there is no other way or answer sort of tone. Trying to make your point matter when really it doesn't; when the point should be ignored and brushed off.

I hate it when they argue.

I don't understand

I can't comprehend
how someone can find pleasure
in someone else's


I'm unfair unjustified selfish one-sided
and I should just
keep it to myself
take little actions on it
and never tell

why

You've given me all the pieces
to put my perfect nightmare together

Why would I blame you?

It's always my fault.

Malnourished underfed sleep-deprived anaemic unfit uncoordinated weak-ankled girl injures herself. Of course. It's the only logical conclusion.

Alone, Distance

I am going to be so alone in Puerto Rico

with little ways of reaching out

little ways of killing that monster inside

I'm sorry that we can't all be fucking sunshines and rainbows like you

so sorry

I Hate People

You can't really have faith in people

and you just have to sit there and doubt them

really, it's required

otherwise you'll just be disappointed

and still you'll have those occasional leaps of faith

only to be disappointed yet again

in people you never want to see again

That trip you promised?

Those replacement cards you promised since you FUCKING RUINED MY DECK?

yeah. Thanks for not following through on your word. Thanks a fucking lot.

You don't realize this but
you're in all my dreams

Desire

I want to be wonderful

but terrible

Disconnect

This should not
set me off
something so trivial
should not send me into a
hysterical sobbing mess

making me feel things
feel em strong
stopit

Money

It's what makes the world go round

and I have none of it

no way of obtaining more

nothing

just occasionally a bit of funds for food

it makes me feel powerless

trapped

because honestly there's nothing I can do

(but starve, really)

and, honestly

it still bothers me

that you didn't buy me a birthday present this year

at all.

And the prospect of leaving
is all that more appealing

Heartbeat

I'm upset
and my heart is beating so fast
but that's your fault, isn't it?

Without You

There's this feeling of loneliness without you here

just traipsed off

cut off from here, from me

But I suppose this is how it is

to miss a person

when you're cut off from them

and you shouldn't

How you feel without me

those days I can't be around

for me, any sort of mental connection is enough

to get me by

Irrational loneliness and missing you

abandoned at home

I'll just play the good daughter and clean up, then

Because I clean when I'm uneasy

and move and move and move

Protect

he's very defensive of me
very protective of me
it's sweet

There is nothing amazing about me

I have no direction

can't express feelings well

can't feel things well

get upset easily at times

shut things up inside of me

am not intelligent enough

don't do well enough

give up too easily

too persistent

clingy

needy

I lash out at others when I'm upset

don't accept help

turn you away

don't feel things right

say things right

don't don't don't

won't won't won't

I am a horrible procrastinator

I smile about it but it kills me

I kill me

i make such bad decisions

all the time

and i couldn't care less about some people

but others i hate hate hate it when they're upset i want to see them smile

wrong wrong wrong I'm all wrong

this isn't right

i'm not right

this direction isn't

I'm not

I need to do better

but I can't bring myself to do it

and so I fail

suffocate

end

Semester End

Honestly I can't deal with me

you can't deal with me

who would want to deal with me

the result is always displeasing to my eyes

there is no way of winning

no way no way

I'm such a handful

why would you even

take the time to

care at all

and because I'm upset and freaking out and obviously that isn't enough

I decide to open up old wounds

because that is how I deal with things

when things get bad, I make them worse

it is how i deal how i cope how i go

I wonder why that's so

It feels like
my heart is
suffocating me

suppressing my air

I hate it when you notice little things that matter to my heart and bother me
but I hate it more when you don't

say anything

Yes

I have the tendency to always say yes

and therein lies the problem

My initial defense seems to be sarcastic cruelty.
I wonder when this happened.

Purity

Laying on white sheets makes me wary.

And I'm sure I fucked up something today.

And in the end I weave my own demise

Insecurities

I really like this. I mean, I really do.
But you know, with trust and jumping forward,
comes with risks.
I don't want to just be a conquest I want to be something more I don't want to be forgotten broken abandoned and won't that happen if i go just a bit too fast I mean I don't know I don't want that to happen I feel like i should slow down but I don't particularly want to I just want to go go go spend more time with you be happy get closer closer closer interweave our hearts so tightly that you can't break one without breaking the other
I know I started this joke but really that was before and this is now and ugh.

Also. I sort of feel bad. About how excited I am about their little developments. Probably because they're still do uncertain. And I'm so set. I'm set in, and I'm not leaving. The more I tell you the more I become attached, the more I can't leave. I'll just grow more and more and more attached.

I like this.

Like

I like the way you're gentle with me
I like all the nice things you say to me
I like how clingy you are
I like how slow you go
I like how you test the waters before venturing further
I like being with you
I like being close to you
I like you.

New

All of this is so new
so odd
but so nice
And there are all these feelings bubbling up inside me
but I'm not sure if I should share them
if you'd interpret it too oddly
yes yes yes yes yes
I don't want to lose this control that I have
though I don't know what it is that I do want
yes yes yes yes
there's only this humming in myself
a content feeling spreading all throughout
and a want want want
it's just so...pleasant. all of it.

But those questions you so desperately want answers to...

so do I.

What if I don't have all the answers? What then?

The stress is crawling into my belly
and twisting my insides and heart
so uncomfortably

who'd want to deal with such a mess?

I'm prolly going to see you today
and you're prolly going to ignore the whole thing
and I'm going to be upset
(about it but oddly relieved)

Breakfast

My one and only meal of today. That's healthy, right?

Apparently when we talked and joked about spending food money on books,

we weren't kidding.

Morning Freakout

No one's texted me back. Woo.

Oh my god, please brain, stop that.

Why

why are you so nice to me?

why why why

it's like i am trying to chase you away

what on earth is wrong with me

Risk

If you take every risk,

and most of them hurt you,

but some of them work out so nicely,

you'd gladly accept the pain

wouldn't you?

Why

why does he like me why does he like me why why why why

what's so great about me?

Lingering Fear

You know,

there's this thing in my head

and it keeps coming back

it's always someone you know

someone close to you

someone you trust

but I try to ignore that

and remain optimistic

let the people around me brighten my day when they greet me so cheerfully

blindly trust, optimistic to the end

knowing it will be my downfall

I have a dream

I have a dream, a wish of sorts

that one day

I won't hide these little things everywhere

or that someone would find them on their own

and they'd comment on everything

just to show they read it

they care

and nothing would change

(hearts closer thoughts explained)

Distracted

My mind flutters away

and again the feelings go away

until the answer

is yes

because why not?

Liking

Well you see the thing is this

I'm feeling these things

and you're saying these things

but they can't seem real

they just seem like a joke

(mostly because of that one time

where he said those things

and later I learned that it was all

just a kind of twisted sort of thing in his mind

using me for his own

not really

considering me

[it ended poorly]

Well you see the thing is this

I get sort of nervous with these sorts of things

and this odd sort of side of me pops out

which you seem to like too

and really if I think about it

I've been nothing but myself around you

which is good

I suppose

Well you see

I don't like that mean sort of side of me

so really I should just shut up

stop doing that

Well you see

the entire night it gradually became clearer to me

what exactly your intentions were

but his words echoed in my ears

wondering if really they were about me

yet finding no way they could be

does not compute

so now there's just these doubts in my mind

suppressing these things

that you are trying to

ugh

Really I just need to sort through these feelings

because right now I just can't

I don't know what I want
but it's just endless circles in my mind

I get nervous and so
this odd side of me emerges
that seems so totally cool with it
while inside things are breakingbreaking

Weakness

I don't suppose you quite understand just how hard it is to voice my fears and weaknesses like that

I don't suppose you know how much of a struggle it is to get those words out

things like "I'm afraid" or "this made me cry"

are impossibly hard for me to say

so treasure these words

and the insane amount of depth in them

that only I can perceive

Lonely

Don't make me feel alone or I'll cut myself off so I can't feel the pain (twinge of loneliness) so I'm truly alone ,after all isolation is better than being alone

I Know

I know that I don't really belong here among all of these people

I don't really know all the rules of the games they're playing

I don't know what it is they are referring to

I know that they're just kind of tolerating me

Though I'm not quite sure why

What's so good about hanging out with me? Having me join the group?

Nothing. I just ruin things with my limits and restrictions, with my lack of knowledge and lack of attention.

Why even bother?

Captive

Why did you bring me home? This is what has become of me. This is what I have become.

Why have you brought me home? Why? I could have been smiling right now.

I could have avoided these tears.

I'm upset.

I want to go to sleep and never wake up again.

I feel so heavily prosecuted...

I had a bad dream last night about SPG. I got to see them live, they came to this park, but they wouldn't talk to me even when I said hello and they kept walking away and I couldn't get up enough courage to keep trying to talk to them so I ended up watching them get surrounded by other people and not pay any attention to me and I kept loosing them in crowds.
And now I wake up and it says that I've been banned from livestream chat and I'm a little baffled and upset

It's just making me curl up into that dream's reality
where else is there to go?

Memories, Memories

They fill my head with every waking hour and I just want to live inside of them

I try to distract myself

but my mind returns to these memories with too much idle moments

like right before bed

when the time comes for my mind to rest and me to sleep

I can't forget, don't want to forget

don't want to let go

of this sweetness

I just want to lie here and live inside my memories

but that's no good, is it?

Faerie Crush

I was his faerie crush.

I have no more words. Just feelings. Loads of feelings.

And memory.

Bump

It's a small inch backward into someplace smaller, darker

When past memories dredge back up

Insecurities resurface

And the temptation to crawl back

up into that darkness

where all is safe

dark, alone

Alone.

Disappear

I just want to disappear

to retract all of the words that come out of me

to erase all traces of me

in your life, in your mind, in your letters

I just want

to take it all away

so there's nothing left to worry about

nothing left to have no confidence in

Just nothing.

Unhappy

I just haven't

I mean,

today was just

and yesterday

I can't

Goodnight.

Disappear

I'm sorry, okay? That what I thought was awesome wasn't good enough for you. I'm sorry. It looked dumb. I'm sorry that I cared about it. I'm sorry that it mattered to me. I'm sorry that I took it seriously when obviously no one else was taking anything seriously there. I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry that I'm not good enough. I'm sorry I said anything. I took it down. It never happened. It's gone.

As is my happiness.

And the tears won't stop.

For the second time today.

Fortunately I'm not sitting in the middle of class today. No one wants a student to start sobbing in the middle of their lecture. And I'm sorry that I mumble. I don't really want you to hear me. I don't have any confidence in my words. Or in myself.

It's better not to feel anything at all. To not care for anything at all. For nothing to matter to you. Because then you can't get hurt. Then you can't get utterly crushed. Then you won't backtrack. Recede. Lose that progress.

You'll move forward.

Unlike me.

I See

Don't think I can't see you crawling up into yourself, retreating as I know I often do.

I'm sorry. It's my fault, isn't it? I just haven't been trying hard enough lately. I'm just so tired. So wary. Of trying far too hard. Worrying far too much.

If you don’t cry it isn’t love

If you don’t cry then you just don’t feel it deep enough

Stephen Merrit

Unsafe

You are the only one who I don't feel safe around. Yet you're the one I'm taking the most risks with. And it is unfathomable to me why you care so much.

Today surfaced the inevitable assumption that Sq & I are dating. Along with the inevitable denial and laughter at the prepousterousity of it all. That they don't quite understand. Misconstrue. Again.

Well it's not like I really matter. So.

Well it's not like anyone cares, so.

Empty Friendship

We both talk, but none really cares what the other is saying

It hurts each time I realize that

especially when I am trying

whereas you aren't.

I suppose nothing will come of this.

As you wish.

" Its only after we’ve lost everything, that we are free to do anything. "

Chuck Palahniuk

Swallow

I swallow my anger

let it surface in soft bursts of steam

while all the while it's simmering

beneath my skin

the pressure rising

until, again, I need release

The red washing

down the bathtub

can't change the color of the sea

at all.

Derrick C. Brown - “Instead of Killing Yourself”

Furious

You haven't the slightest idea how furious I am, or how much it has dampered my day every time you are in the room. And I can't admit to you why, because it's the little things that have gotten to me; the small, childish things. So kindly fuck off and leave me alone. Kthanks.

"Are you nervous?"
"Please don't touch me."
"Oh."

What were your first impressions of me?

I thought you were a B.

A B? B-i?

No. B-e.

B-e?

A b-e-a-u-t-i-f-u-l.

Pretty! (Even if I keep wanting to be like “Jace! Don’t smoke! Shadowhunters don’t smoke!”

Cassandra Clare

Pressure

I can feel the pressure slowly building. But I know that's just the way I am. Slowly simmering until eruption.

And I can tell that someday soon I will explode, and the truth will pour from my lips to whomever happens to be there at the time. It's happening little by little already. The day is coming, and I dread it so, yet eagerly anticipate it.

I don't want pity. I want help.

Abuse

Most of the time the victim knows the attacker

A fact I know all too well.

It could be a co-worker, a classmate.

Which is why I'm so afraid all the time.

because I know.

Luke Peoples

I've always been a little afraid of Luke Peoples. Or perhaps it would be more accurate to say wary. He's just always been...too cool for me, I guess. I always felt inadequate around him. Like I wanted him to like me at least a little and kept failing to do so. Failing to really see him.

hugs

afraid afraid afraid afraid afraid

wary wary wary wary wary

but i won't admit it to you

the person in question

not at all

not ever

J

I feel like I can't talk to you

because I can't keep the conversation afloat

and you're always distracted or something

he's either busy or doesn't want to talk to you

my mind always believes the latter

because it doesn't think in positives

and then I start rambling

telling you too much

which worsens the feeling of I feel like I shouldn't talk to you

at all

none of this is helping the anxiety i feel when i talk to people online

afraid of my words not being good enough

of pushing them away

and even one minute pauses feel like forever

filling my mind with doubts

endless doubts

you don't understand

having a bit of trouble breathing

and my stomach is rebelling against food again

i wonder if it's a time limit or if it's a sweet content

either way i should avoid these things

Insecurities

I should have just said no. I know what day it is. I know what they are to each other. I knew that I would be the uneasy third wheel in the back seat. I knew that.

So why did I go?

Because of promises, I guess.

Also because I was secretly afraid that he would leave me.

That I would walk out and no one would be there, no one would be there.

Just darkness.

It was kind of nice, though, I guess. I'm still a bit afraid of lots of things about him. Just little things. That I am trying to squelch.

But most of all I am afraid that one day this peace we've formed would have been a lie, that my initial fear was correct and I would go back to the terrified alone girl I was at the start of the year. Maybe worse than before.

The problem is not when you are moving

it's when you stop.

These are the dreams of the lonely
filled with such a yearning
during the waking hours spurned
yet still thriving on an empty heart

Honestly,

I am afraid of you. Because you're new. Unknown. Male. It frightens me. And my first reaction is to trust, yet memories keep me flinching away. I remember the one time tings went wrong. Kindness misplaced. Horribly horribly misplaced.

So I'm sorry if I feel awkward sometimes / all the time.

My instinct is to push you away.

I almost passed out today. It was kind of scary. Alone, alone, with the darkness and diziness encroaching

moriar-tea

BAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Gamer

I have realized somewhere along the way that I am a completely different brand of gamer than just guys in general. I don't play what they play, and they don't play what I play. Our hours and name of activity may be the same, but it's so so different. But that's okay. I'm used to doing this alone. Unshared.

^a reason why I was afraid to go to Neumont, even though it's SO PERFECT

and the poster on the wall t a u n t s m e

The Procrastinator

I am the worst kind of procrastinator.

I procrastinate so much that I just end up not doing it.

God, tumblr, stop it.

My Sherlock Train Of Thought

blogger.com => "I'd be lost without my blogger" => Sherlock => Reichenbach Fall => tearstearssobbingontheflooreverythingishorriblewhyseason3why

Sardonic

And the irony of its name is that its very foundation consists purely of lies

The silent kind.

" I am not a dunce. I know about subtext. I watch Sherlock. :D " ☆

Yes, Cassie, yes

It's really frightening, not being able to recognize faces from far away.

The world is blurring, and leaving me behind.

Love is love

Love is love is love is love

Why can't the world see that?

And now

everything is saturated with poison

of the darkest brew

Smiles

Looking at that group picture of smiles hurts.

And those streets, they remind me of my confession. My disregarded confession. Which I shrugged off and pretended wasn't a big deal. Though really, it was.

I don't want to go back.

Mental Addiction

One thing that is pretty much on my mind all the time are roleplays. Because things that I thoroughly enjoy I slowly rapidly become obsessed with, and until they are complete I cannot rid them from my mind. And roleplays are never-ending. There is always a possibility for more. And as much as I want to constantly bug people about replying to them (because they never do), I can't bring myself to do it.

Want to know why?

Because of those two.

Even though it had nothing to do with me, a fear has been formed with me that bugging people about replying will push them into the same corner and destroy our friendship like that one was destroyed. So I just sit there and anguish over the silence. Because that's all there is--silence. My creative side is drying up and I need that outlet, but that isn't happening and I can't bring myself to make that happen. And, you know, I feel a little silly about it all. I mean, we started together, all those years ago in middle school, and now I am the only one still clinging to it. Everyone else has moved on with their lives. And here I am, still dependent upon that addiction.

Alone.

I still mean nothing to you

and I'm losing you

goddamnitnooneevenreadsthisblogandstillicannotbetruthfulijustsithereandbeparanoidandkeepitallinsideandthenigoandtrytofindpeaceinthesecretpartofmyselfbutijustsitthereparalyzedtonoaction

Touchy Subject

She brought up wanting to ask me a question about a touchy subject. But without the question, my mind was left freedom to wander. And even more freedom was granted when she said to forget it. Still, my mind went through the usual places of discomfort. Lost friends. Ones that would bother me specifically. One that would bother her specifically, yet is constantly on my mind. And then those secrets of mine that are always lingering in the back of my mind, like a poisonous shadow, flickering back and forth, in and out of my attention. But mostly I try to forget that poisonous shadow from the past. Though the three things aren't exactly things I can hide from. They'll keep eating away at me for as long as I keep them inside...

Even with all this speculation, my answer is still the same. For her, I'd answer anything.

In My Dreams

I had a dream about Adam this morning. It was a kind of hazy nonsensical dream, that for once featured people I actually knew. Though the really crazy nonsensical ones always are the ones that have reality mixed into them. We came to a peace, though even my dreams don't quite know what to say. How to talk things out properly. Even though that's what I want. Like they say, when someone appears in your dreams, it's because you want something from them. And I want peace of mind. Calm.

And in the dream I had that. I had stopped caring about everything that lurked in the past. I just stopped caring. I even got into the car with him and Kristin, though the annoyance for her was still there. Let him drive me to the bridge where she was waiting. You know, Bela. Though that didn't go quite right, either...the other dream with her, long ago, this feeling, didn't make much sense either. A Russian brother in a house and spiders and kidnapping...a nonsensical blur. But without that irritated emotion following her. The only irritated emotion with a person in this dream was with Kristin, but really, there isn't much hope for what it is I want.

Peace.

Hello.

I saw Adam today. Things were cheerful. I wish I could have talked to him. Like, really talked to him. But that's perhaps for another day.