Gone

If I killed myself today, what would you say? What would you say? It would be one less problem to worry about, one less person to care about.
Convenient.

Lesson

I've learned to stop hoping because then those will just be crushed as well

Just like everything else.

Grip

All of these pictures I hold and I keep
you are there you are there and time runs deep

Fragi le

I feel fragile

No?

You don't really want to listen to my ramblings, do you?

Why?

Why am I looking at a guy and thinking that he'd make a great drag queen?

Ban

I can ban you from lots of things but I can't ban you from my life
although I can still try

?

What happens when you can't find yourself?
What happens when you can't take your finger off the X, off the BLOCK button, taking them out of your life. Yes, I am angry at you. Now go away. Go away now.

Even Team Rocket Knows

Meowth: "You're right, we do have a lot in common. The same birth, the same air, the same sky. Maybe if we started looking at whats the same instead of always looking at whats different...well who knows."

Why cant the rest of the world understand this?

Words Cannot Express My Anger

I hate you.
And I hate all this drama.

It's over.
Everything.
All of it is over.

So don't hope for anything more.
You've lost.

The Pros and Cons of Breathing

Goodness, there is so much drama drama
but the drama has lessened
and now it's just more of a mess
that I want to throw into the air
and let it fall as it will

I detest you so much sometimes.
I can't wait until February

Cherry Lips or Cheery Lips?

Crocodiles sing in perfect harmony,
their jaws open
exposing perfectly sharp teeth and notes
Rising into the air as the song continues

The owl eternally watches this show
of a monster's sentimentality
with increasing interest
as the words morph into something kind

Glowing butterflies flutter in the dim moonlight
Just out of the reach
of the hungry mouths
of the crocodile

Song, based in the throat of a frog
singing deeply a soft tune
that holds up the harmonious voices
of the carnivorous crocodiles

Innocent birds had once landed
to watch and listen
comfortably on the shore of the lake
Now their feathers adorn
the throats of the reptiles

Snakes slither through the branches
of a nearby tree
While they cannot sing
they cannot object
to the mesmerizing tune
that captivates their dinner
leaves it helpless
and tastier than ever
The owl

Poison

A small dose of poison never killed anyone...

Fall

You wouldn't catch me because you wouldn't see me falling.

Okay we're going to stop killing Naaron Mo and do hw now

Sick Sick Sick

Really, if everyone hates you, how can you ever hope to be happy?


That's why you have to pretend
Pretend and please and smile
until you're sick sick sick
like Silly Sammy Slick
and snap

:3

It's funny how easily you can replace yourself

so easily

H@cking isn't Nic3

Things like this are scary

Privacy?
What's that?


It's the thing that matters most to me.

Censor?

Sometimes I want to censor all of my thoughts so that only things will be said that will please others.

I don't want to do that here.


L o v e is just another word I never learned to pronounce

I don't know what happened exactly, but I feel happier recently. Like I don't have to try so hard to fit in with others, to laugh with others, to just be myself and spread sunshine upon everyone
These are oddly happy days
And I can get through them, even though sometimes it's hard to memorize a monologue in ten minutes. Even though it makes me smile to see that the teacher doesn't know me well, that I am a mystery.
Let the mystery continue, I say.
Just don't forget I exist, please.

Mindscape

Glancing into the reflective surface
My painfully rainbow dry eyes

Drowning beneath the skies of gray
In the fields of wheat
Lie many dead dreams
Soaked in the blood of reality
Faeries who once danced
Killed with the knives of betrayal

Focus flying from the purple walls
Falling to the potato punishment
Inscribed upon white paper

To carry a potato
Something that would never rot

I articulate a shaky laugh


My landscape is broken

:(

yeah, so Bela sent me a thing on Chattersia being all hurt about the blog thing

ugh
sometimes she makes me so angry

and she's so self-centered!
she thinks that I only blocked her out by locking up my blog
no, I blocked out all the people I don't even know who were so eagerly sending me hate mail for no reason at all
they weren't even brave enough to supply me with their names


and that this blog is all about her?
bull shit
this is MY blog
about ME

Words

It's easier to deal with words when they aren't yours

Anti-Words

I am going crazy.

All those words. They weren't his. They were my paraphrases

Or were they?

Trust? What's That?

Why would you do that?
Tell so many people about such a little thing
that didn't even involve you

Guess what?
Yesterday I wanted to kill myself
I swallowed as many things as I could get my hands upon
there wasn't anything sharp enough to do harm

and this is because of your words
your unnecessay words

You aren't healthy for me.
I'm not healthy for me.

Healthy?
Ha.

You

Why throw a party when no one will come?

"I want to stab you in the face! But TeacherWeb doesn't have a face!"

Right.

So today I feel like everything.

And I don't know what or how I feel.

Stop asking me how I feel

I don't really know

Happy?

Hm

Fuck

I don't even know what happened last night

And now it's over

Animosity is growing

for all of them

everyone

God, I don't need friends

not these kinds of friends

If you don't talk to people you can't possibly like them.

My health is a constant issue of my views on living or dying. When things become exceptionally horrible, I sway towards death rather than life. It is at times

Gone.

Heather is gone.

I don't like any of them when their mouths open to speak and nothing sensical comes out

Don't worry.
I'm just falling apart.


No big deal.
Especially if I start crying.

One Day

One day and things change, morph, dissolve.

What did I feel before?
It's gone now.

I think it would be a good idea, theoretically, so that we could keep together at least a little bit, but I'm still trying to control it....

Imma gonna stab myself in the head with a pair o scissors
wait
too late
tis done

ow

You don't really know me
are the words
i dreaded
most
now i am sure
that things
are breaking
crushed by
us

A New Kind Of Death

I was always afraid. Afraid of things changing, of me losing valuable things.
My fears became reality.
I lost you. I lost Sarah. I lost myself.

No one wins in this battle of emotions.
I lost. You lost. Everything is gone.

It's taking every ounce of self control I currently possess to not just stand up and walk out the door, directly to your window so we can talk. Words like this do emotions so strong no justice.

I want to show you all the secrets I've been keeping, but am afraid that they won't be safe or repaid by your secrets.


But the thing that terrifies me most of all is losing you, or anyone, because of a thought I unleash.


I've created too many walls, and no bridges.
The words I say are afraid of hurting another person listening to them. And so I stop speaking.




I sit here for ten minutes, doing no action. Producing nothing.




What now?
This has been a cruel tug-a-war between two people, both refusing to completely let go. And now we've stopped pulling.

Are you CooCoo for Coco Puffs?
Are you CooCoo for Christ?
-Bill and other guys

I'm trying to shoot zombies and you're texting!
-Nick

Your Words Are Meaningless To Me

Does it really matter if you say anything on the internet? Sure, it came from your fingers, or that's what we're all assuming, anyways, but it could be anything. I could type anything I want and not mean a word of it. It's called lying. It's so easy to do on the internet. Pretend you're heartless. Pretend you hate them. Pretend you care about them.

Really all those things you say really don't matter. So stop saying them.

Life is what counts. If you ignore me in the real world, I'll disregard you in the internet world. Really, do you care? Or are you just saying those things because you don't have to look me in the eye and lie?

Lying is much easier when you don't have to look at the person you're lying to.

When you're lying to everyone, even yourself.

Raining...

Bianca Scott

Bela, who are these people?

Eddie Hilpert

we are her wonderful shoulder pixies ;D

Bianca Scott

D:

Eddie Hilpert

teehee. we're not as insane as we sound

THIS IS NOT IT

And thus the river of sadness overflows

Can't I just cry and get it all over with already?

No. Apparently not.

And that essay, it isn't something I can get away from. You can't escape memories. Memories shall forever haunt me.

When I said goodbye, I wanted to go over there, say goodbye with a hug, too, but suddenly I was filled with an intense sadness

I won't explain it here, no one could ever understand

I really shouldn't be left alone, but it really isn't an option

Especially when I want to be alone

but that is perhaps the most dangerous of them all

I really am being left alone

WHY CAN'T I JUST CRY AND GET IT OVER WITH

WHY CAN'T I JUST WRITE A FUCKING ESSAY AND CRY AGAIN AND GET IT OVER WITH

WHY CAN'T I JUST STOP

just stop

we're being replaced

I'm being replaced

you're being replaced

and it's all over for us now

God Dammit

I'm never really included in any of that, am I?

Or any of anything, for that matter.

Hallucinating is fun, especially when you don't know why all the shiny lines are surrounding your vision and your mother is watching you be entranced by them.

We steal crayons from 3 year olds.

The Fancy Pants Adventure Walkthrough Guide, Review, Discussion, Hints and Tips at Jay is Games

The Fancy Pants Adventure Walkthrough Guide, Review, Discussion, Hints and Tips at Jay is Games

Deathly Afraid

I am terrified of sarcasm on the internet.

Because you never know if it's there or not. 

And if you guess wrong, they make fun of you. Or think you're stupid.

I need to watch Quest for Camelot

Final Fantasy Crystal Chronicles My Life as a Darklord at Nintendo :: Games:

"Final Fantasy Crystal Chronicles My Life as a Darklord"

to quit theater. I don't want to write anymore because I know that it's all worthless.

All of it is broken now.
Is this supposed to happen?

the one to run away from it all?

Things are breaking. I don't want short hair, but long long hair I can hide in. I'm terrified to speak in groups, and want

Should this leave me this way? Still feeling lonely while surrounded by people, who "don't matter"?

Is it bad that when I saw her do that, I would've been

How many people are crushed by careless words? How many people crush the hearts of others without ever knowing? How many people never heal?

If words don't work, pain surely will

We get home. We unpack. Then, as we're finishing, my ankle gives out and bends in an unpleasant way. It hurt. Now the temperature of my left ankle is rising.

Is that a bomb? No, it's a piece of wood.

B: Manly men spill sunflower seeds all over their cars!

O: I don't think manly men eat sunflower seeds...

The Smoky Mountains need to stop smoking. They might get lung cancer and die!!

Drifting away from today and into the depths of my mind.

Single single single single single.
Never going to see again never going to see again never going to see again.

Michigan

Look in the Water...

"I remember there used to be alligators hiding under this broken bridge that would come out and attack me, totally killing me then..."

"Really? Where?" *jumps off the bridge to search* "Where are the alligators?"


XD and this is why I'll probably die sooner than most people

oh, and then we found some alligators...I killed them ^^

Dreams

I really love to dream and fantasize...

If I could do that for the rest of my life and not have to do anything else, that would be amazing.

Another amazing thing would be if I could just live in my fantasies.

As you unbutton my pants, you can see the words "LUCKY YOU"

Great, huh?

Love

I love you and there is nothing you can do about it!


Quote of the week.
Oh yes, it was fun. So much fun.
And it really lightened up....well, it lightened up everything. More people should go on mission trips, like UMARMY. That would be awesome.
There was so much love there.
It was amazing.
<3

Update

Bela's grounded and I am leaving for a week on my mission trip, so you might not see me or hear from me in a while.
Not that anyone reads this anyways.


I just hope things fix themselves in a week's time.

Common People

I Hate You

What did you think when you said all those things?
That I was psychic? That I just wouldn't care when I found out that you had left me out of things?
What now? Are they more important than me? I thought I was your friend!
But I suppose that is all worth nothing in the end.
You've proved that to me.


Is this what pain feels like?
Seems so.
It's taking over me. Consuming me from the inside.

Just when I thought I had ridden myself of it.
And look, you've spread it.




Why did you do this to me? To us?
That entire conversation was filled with pain. I couldn't cry, not there. They all care much too much to let me cry without explanation.
Will I never be able to see the good in others? I always assume the worst, that they don't care or hate me.
Yet I've been proven time and time again.
Nothing has gotten me to see the good side of things. Nothing.


I wonder if they can see?
See the pain in my eyes, the tears held back.
If they can tell that I am hiding things, not telling them everything.
But I don't trust them. I don't trust any of them.


I don't need this.
I don't.
It hurts.

The girl

The girl sits there, her entire being slowly falling to pieces. Then, as her self is destroyed, it falls, only to land in the exact shape it started with. Repaired.

Smiling to herself, she floats in a solitary bliss that can be shared with no one.

Get me a piece of that, And I shall be Satisfied

Secrets weaved in among truths, so that the colors fade and meld, now indistinguishable from one another. The observing party gasps, stepping back, catching a glimpse of the two different colors for a moment. Then they're the same again, the weavers smiling at her with rotten smiles full of nothing real, all of it a complex illusion.
Falling back into the same pattern, she continues weaving hers, the one that none but her can see, a private smile on her face. Something makes her guarded eyes glance up, a flash of color in the threads the two across from her are weaving. They smile at her again, that same false emotion. Another joins the two in their weaving as the colors all look the same again.
Taking a deep breath, she lets words fall out of her mouth like dead flies, all of them falling to the floor the instant they are spoken. One of the girl weavers responds, and she is reassured, quickly returning to her work.
This time her head snaps up abruptly, seeing all the different colors clearly, and for once noticing how many people are weaving with those threads. Yet she has not been invited. Rising, she yells at the weavers of deception with her words that fall like stones, spreading splatters of hurt everywhere they land. Having enough, she spins around and storms off, away from all the other weavers, not caring whether they listened to her stone words.
Sitting in her solitary room, she resumes her weaving, now with trembling fingers and tears that seem to float and linger in the air, unlike words. With an infuriated scream, the tears scatter, and once more her fingers are steady. Yet all she can feel is her hollowed out body, the wind darting around inside of it, searching for more to claw out. It shall not find anything more; she smiles her secret smile, a chuckle escaping her lips and bouncing off the walls like jello. Nothing is there for them to have, not anymore.

Mayhaps

Yet you can't find anything bad to say about me, can you?

Burning

I am burning on the outside.

It hurts.

Impossible

Apparently the impossible is now possible. 

Gosh, living hurts so much.

I wish I could just

stop.

LATER NOTE: The impossible actually remains impossible, save for one.

Imagine...

Imagine that you have stayed after school, and are now heading out of the building. On your way out of the deserted  hallways of the school, you glance a scene between a father and daughter, both of them yelling at each other. They both seem pretty upset.

Do you look away and pretend not to notice?

Or do you stare at the engaged argument?

Lies

It's all turned out to be lies, these images in my head.

Yet what can I do but scream internally?

Today hasn't been a good day for anyone.

Seems they're all yelling at each other.

And that everyone is lying to me.

My life is filled with silly façades. 

Burning Inside

I'm not quite sure how I feel about all this.

Why did that sight make me happy and unbearably angry at the same time?
Seems my wish is coming true.
Let's watch everyone burn.
At the price of my self-destruction

Two Ticks Of the Clock, One Tock

Why am I so sad?
Why why why?
Why do you make me angry?
I want to punch you in the face.
I wonder how you reacted when I pushed you away.
Ha, it's happening again. I'm starting to hate you.
Yes, I haven't told you it yet, but I have been so so close.

Ugh
I don't like this this this this
Not at all

Pure Idiocy

If you have lice, you don't hug people. You shouldn't even come to school.
Gosh, I really am starting to hate you..



It really isn't as bad as it seems. I suppose I just don't care, and that's the reason why I don't care. It's like a crisis is happening and I just don't care about the outcome, no matter which way it sways. Yet it really just isn't as bad as all that.


you'll burn in hell you'll burn in hell you'll burn in hell yeah you'll burn in hell.


"You look sad."
Perhaps I am.
Perhaps today I am just too tired and worn out to really care about that happy façade. I mean, really, why should I?

I'll Be There

Your last request will not be followed.

I will let myself fall, ignoring the hands offered to me that try to slow my descent. 

Yet some hands are always there. Those I feel like grabbing, if only for an instant. 

Deep Down Below...

I am going to buy a server and put it in my basement. Which is above my head, of course.

A grape was killed today. Brutally murdered, actually. It was quite sad.

GAH!

I hate secrets!

I hate hate hate them!

Sure, you say you'll tell me things, but you never do! 

YOU NEVER DO!

Gosh darn it!

I hate you!

I hate hate hate you!

STOP IT!

STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT!

I want you to stop that.

Let's play the lonely game.

Lonely!

Free

I hate hate hated Spanish class today
I wanted to run out of there and never return
The fire drill was a nice escape, however brief.
The best release was exiting that class at the end of the day, when the bell rang.

Nothing. Just Nothing.

I don't have anything to say.

Let us assume this good.

Sinking Whilst I Float

Yes, the arrow is getting higher, but the opinion of others is going down.

➚➘

I am starting to detest all kinds of people.

It isn't a good thing, I think...

On the good side, my creativity levels are at a higher point than before.

On a strange note, history text books are making me want to cry.

What the hell is wrong with me?

And what is wrong with humanity?

Yes, the sanity levels of humans are slowly declining.

I reject you.

I reject you vehemently with fingers.

Float Into Space

This weekend was somewhat pleasant. Lots of family time. Love. Scrambles. 007.

And Harvest Moon...

God, I am such a nerd.

Crush

I can't go. They said no.

Now I'm sitting in the dark crying. And I just feel so pathetic.


I don't care if unhappy people are more interesting. Being unhappy sucks.

Sitting in Fog

We moved and left them behind. They didn't come fast enough. And yet, I don't find myself missing them terribly.

The asshole ex has been left behind as well, yet I don't find myself hating him. I think I've baffled him with my kind behavior at the face of his vulgarity and rudeness. I'll certainly be on his mind. Maybe I'll end up changing him for the better.

The box game was fun.

The many large boxes in such close proximity to each other, each with a different boy inside. Their own little fortress. Of course I wasn't welcome there, being an outsider to this world and a girl. Good thing I escaped, in their eyes so strange. 

He found me today. He's so sweet, as I never thought someone like that capable of. He sees everything, it seems.

Good thing it is summer. Anything can happen in the summer. 

Squeeze

"Wants to die as of half an hour ago"

No.

God, no.

Stop stop stop it.

Don't even think those kinds of thoughts.

 

I prolly wouldn't be freaking out as much as I am if my emotions were in a stable state as of late. Which they haven't been, so this is like an earthquake in my mind.

Ah yes, the weather in my head has been quite disastrous recently.

And you both, stop talking to me if you aren't going to say anything. I hate that.

Even more than I think I hate you.

Smile with Bloody Teeth

New seats. Hate them. Prolly going to move next class. And if I dislike that, too, I may move again. Yet I can say with complete confidence that I did not hate that weekend.
The others, I cannot state anything with such confidence. I wish wish wish I knew what I thought of them.
I suppose the only true answer is loneliness. It summarizes it all best.

Socks that Kill

I stripped the knee-length socks off my legs and observed what I was surprised to see there--blood. Apparently my current state was so fragile that the sock had cut my legs along the side, especially at my ankles; there a small pool of blood had formed. My friend sensed my discomfort and asked, "Are you okay?"
"Yes," I lied, wiping away the blood with a wet towel and examining my legs further.
I lied.

Angels Sleep

The angels all awake grogglily, their heads simultaneously rising from the desks. One of the girls, the brown-haired one, smiles warmly at the others, saying in a pleasant tone, "Good morning" before her head fell back down onto the desk, all of the others falling in unison before they were all asleep once more.
The teacher sighed at the front of the class. No, nothing was ever accomplished in this class when the "angels" fell asleep.

Plop

Well isn't that nice.
Somehow, it leaves me feeling...lonely.
No, no, I don't care, I remind myself repeatedly. I told myself I wouldn't care.
Well, do I?
Do you?

Some light has been spread on my illusions. It's nice.
Perhaps I shouldn't sit in myself for hours on end.
Yet I can't stop that, can I?

It Returns...

My NaNo is back now, and I am trying to finish it by next November...

But will I try another NaNo next year?

Or just watch...?

I'd like a button...

Suck It In, Tune It Out

They have their own little world which we cannot penetrate. 

But I suppose we all have those. I try not to, though.

Mine are brief.

Mostly because I can't bring myself to trust people and open up...

God, I am such a loser.

Dance Strangely While Balancing Upon a Thin Cliff

I don't like either of you.

I wonder why.

And I wonder if I should turn to someone else.

And I wonder if I'll ever see my girlfriend again...

I hate uncles that take things away

Gosh!

This guy just came by our house advertising roofing, and he had the sweetest British accent...

he was cute, too

aahhhh i want to hug hiimm!!

Let Us Smile

Let us smile as the world slowly falls to pieces

Melting like burning candle wax...

Let us laugh as we all lose our faces

and can't smile anymore...

Let us fall to the ground

We can't handle the pressure

Nothing anymore...

Watch with eyes as they torment the people's lives

And not care about a thing...

Shouldn't we be helping?

Shouldn't we be crying?

Shouldn't we be screaming?

Yet we're not...

We shall smile as the innocent girls get their hearts torn out by demons

We shall laugh to see a life crushed again by reason

We shall watch as a mind is torn to pieces

And no one stops

to see

what everything has begun to be

trash

We can't hide from the truth

from the smiles

from the tears

We can't hide from the lies

from the laughter

from our lives

Because that is what we are

trash

The ones we should have loved

We want to stab want to stab

The ones who really do care

We can't bare we can't bare

Unbelievably

Completely and totally

Broken

Nonfiction it's as Real as it Gets

Let's let this anger simmer.
I'll take it out on someone eventually.
But not you. Oh no, not you at all. You don't deserve this fury. Nor you.
Silly silly silly people.
Oh how I despise you.

Self Destruct Starts Now

I take it to be the sign of a happy person that they are constantly humming or singing all throughout the day.

So it isn't nice when you crush them and ask them to stop it.

Letting Go

I give up.

Yes, it all makes me horribly frustrated...so I give up.

I don't know why I swallowed my eyes

perhaps I'm blind

Sick Sick Sick Like Silly Sammy Slick

I need more music. My resources are running out. I'm starting to tire of all my music, which can't be good, considering how many songs I have... 

Ah, yes. This will do. This will do nicely.

Wouldn't It Be Nice?

Perhaps this is too much of me.

Not saying enough, expecting so many other things.

Depending on unreliable things..

Censored things.

Silly things.

Perhaps I am just blind.

Falling

As I fall to the ground, 

the world shattering like glass

I wonder what went wrong

And when it ever went right

I hear the screams of the ones I've lost

Lost forever, never to love again

I press my lips together

No good it will do if I scream, too

The sound is already overwhelming enough

Imagine this

The pressure is growing inside your head

It feels like everything is crushing itself

The little lies, little secrets

The hints, left untouched

Why don't you listen?

But then, who ever does?

If we did things might get better

But they might get worse

World spinning a bit too much

Turned at a sickening angle

As you slowly become unwound

The cold grabs at you with insubstantial hands

Pulling you down into its unbreakable grip

Who would fight?

When you can't see what you're fighting for

Just darkness, all around

Constantly pulling at your edges

Till there's nothing left

Imagine this.

Ponder Ponder

I wonder what people would do if they could feel the pain poured out into words and letters and inanimate objects.

What would they do?

Abandoned

Something I thought would never happen. 

I've been abandoned by my friends.

An angry outburst is due soon.

Following sadness comes anger.

When do you flinch?

I detest group projects. Especially with this busy week. No one's available.

And so I see all that I have to do, I get frustrated, take it out on other people, and then they tell me to call them. Yes, call them. Call them now. And so I do. 

What do I find?

They're not home.

It was impossible anyways.

I wonder if they could hear the slow breakdown in my voice?

Probably not.

Then my nerves are all messed up, and I begin doing homework, only to realize I don't get a few problems. This frustrates me to no end, makes me despise myself, and I start crying frustrated tears. I want to scream and growl and claw and scratch, yet do nothing. 

The storm calms, and I continue my homework.

Then it's over.

It's all over.

No.

...

Wouldn't you like to know?

Very Squishy

I am sick and tired of being out of the loop.
Every loop through everything.

Yet...

Friday the 13th

So yesterday wasn't as bad as it could have been.
It was actually pretty nice.

Upon examination of my back, I discovered a bruise or scrape near my spine. I can't tell which it is, or why it's there. It's either an internal injury or something that happened and I can't remember it.
Still hurts, though.

Injuries...

This week hasn't been the best.
Let's count all of them, shall we?

Saturday - Elbow (left)
Sunday - Elbow (right)
Tuesday - Knee (right)
Thursday - Back (upper)

Eventually all of the pains dim, but it's quite a lot for one week... o/0

Flowers

Blinking Away Dust

It's interesting
I haven't felt like posting here in a while
Or there.
But my dad's been disconnecting the internet a lot lately. And doing so in such a way that I cannot get on the internet, but he can. Which gives me his loopholes.



Why?
And why does it matter, in the end?
We all want to do something like that.
Some more extreme than others.

Deepest Fear

Being annoying.
Everyone chasing me away.
"We don't like you. You're so annoying. Go away."


...the first step to overcoming one's fear is to admit to it...right?

Mesh on a Platter

So I've gotten closer to people.
I suppose this is what she's been doing.
You have to offer yourself to other people in order to want anything in return from them. Unbalanced things aren't what anyone wants.
I suppose it is fun, in a way

Rediscovery

I've been listening to my iPod on random and found some songs I haven't heard in a while...


It's really sad that so many people have iPod touches that don't deserve them or use them to their full potential *coughcoughandrewcough* It makes me sad, and like I should save up my money and buy myself one...
but really, if I am going to spend so much money, I should just buy myself a laptop. Sure, it's a bit more expensive, but it also involves a lot of saving up over a large amount of time.

Delirious

Why should I tell you anything at all?
I don't want to add to that.
I''m sorry, but you've opened up my eyes to a truth I didn't see and didn't want to face. But the truth is the truth and I'd rather have that than lies.

Oh, and I hate not understanding.
But that's just me.


And I've begun to hate that word.
And your response to mine.

Ignored

It's sad.
Very very sad.
But not enough to make me cry. Just get upset and angry.

And apologies fail.
Especially when you don't remember what it is I am mad at you for.

Fly Through Normality and Laugh

So today after school we (my sister and father and ME!) went to HEB across the street from HS, and I had fun shopping...we almost ran over this one lady about three times...

and when we were exiting, I was being all happy and full of energy, zooming through the parking lot, and this one high schooler looked at me funny!

Hey! I'm AWESOME! I'm having fun while you're concerned about what people think of you and being "cool"! Yes, I let my inner child come out LOTS!

HEY IT'S FUN!!

I got to ride the shopping cart through the parking lot like it is a scooter... XD ha, I love life

Do Over

Starting something over from scratch is very fun. Although a bit challenging.

Arg, I shouldn't be telling you this.

No no no.

It's amazing what experience can do to you.

And how fun it is to yell at the you of two years ago.

Who Can Lie?

Who can lie when you never speak in the first place?

When the only thing coming from your mouth is air, in and out?

How on earth do you lie when you can't speak?

The Truth

Today I was thinking deeply.
You tend to do that when you're all alone.

I don't want to lie anymore.
Or tell a truth that isn't the one I want to say.
It bugs me to no end when I do that. I keep mentally screaming, "Lie! Lie! No! That isn't what I wanted to tell you!"

No more secrets.
No more lies.
Now let's see how long this decision lasts...

To the End, I will Dream

So I had three dreams...let's see if I can remember them at all...

Dream One
Three protectors of one girl
one warlock-like guy with dark, deep, purpley magic surrounding him
one turtle
one guy with sword
the girl can control things with her mind....normally this makes people very tired, but not her
[crush cans with a mere thought]
often sneaks off on weekends to do things without the three
fighting off the...aliens?
crush crush crush
Jenny...the girl that is her backup. doll. says she's going there when she isn't. has emotions. no abandonment. parents live in mansion. dolls too. work, love, live, but do girl's will when provoked.
mother doesn't know that girl is special....thinks normal things.
leaves for a month
she doesn't eat, can't sleep
Floppity has been taken
alone every night
excellent at school, can do homework and projects in a snap
mother worries
bedroom door locked every night
tears tears tears
one time unlocked, mother sees and worries more
in her solitude, practices magic/mind powers and becomes stronger
apologies
girl happy again
in morning, breakfast made, happiness spreads
magic is ultimate now
mother home at 4
girl leaves at 5 for Jenny's [remember, she came to dinner that one time....we had a falling out this past month but it's fine now, she called me last night...I slept well...]
2ish...girl notices (aliens?) searching for her. they can't know she lives here, so....

Dream Two
girl at school with best friend [blonde]
girl has short blue hair -> Blue
falls and hurt head
best friend takes Blue to nurse
[Edward sign in hallway... o.O]
patches up head and back with bandages
open place, green grassy hills, water falls...
suspicious Blue of nurses
meets Azure
[somehow, he was a fighter unit for a moment...but...no....]
go up to the waterfall
Blue sits on the stairs, hears only laughter from above
fighting ~ Azure vs two women (nurses)
they run down the stairs after Azure, but he is hiding above, the other one was an illusion
Blue runs up the stairs
it's ruined--the "nurses" return
"You want to know what's in the box...? Too bad. It isn't yours..."
"You are the Samus Aran with magical powers" (yes, it makes no sense)
Blue opens the box, much to their dismay--they wanted the powers it contained
Blue "dies"
they all leave, Azure is devastated
"she isn't the one"
[even though she isn't the one...why did she have to die...no...]
Azure reports
...
Blue isn't dead
she awakes with a dark smile on her face
merges the [green, glowing] box into her heart
complex lines appear all over her skin
hair is down to her ankles now
falls into deep meditation, unmoving
Azure returns, strokes her cheek and she opens her eyes, smiles
SHE'S ALLIIIIIVE (haha jk)
they go off together
the Anti-Organization learns that she is alive
comes after her
Azure [i just wanted to see her, and now it's come to this]
...
Blue annihilates them completely

Dream Three
Um...can't remember. It blended with two, or disappeared, I can't remember...

No.

"I feel like I am yanking a reluctant stubborn chord out of my heart."

Boats Can't Float

I can't keep this conversation afloat!
Throw me something!
I'm drowning here!
A life-vest! Anything!

Oh, well.
That works.
Throw a rock at me, will you?
I hadn't even gotten anywhere yet.
That wasn't nice at all.
Then again, I am not nice, either.
And this is what I deserve, isn't it?

Wouldn't It Be Nice?

I got to talk with my Loyalist Buddy today! I wished him a happy birthday!
And he says he is coming to visit over Spring Break!

This is so happy-making!

Yes yes?
Now let go of that tree...

Lies. All Lies.

"Yes."

That's a lie.

"-smile- Me too"

That's a lie. 

It kept happening all night.

Why can't anyone tell?

I'm lying to you.

I'm not happy here. 

I don't have a good time here.

That isn't what's bugging me.

Why can't you see me?

I'm right here!

Why can't you notice me?

I'm right here!

Look at me!

I'm right here!

Stop it!

Stop it!

Stop it!

Oh Gawd

I understand now.

Uncertainty Lies in the Future

College

Which one?

Do I know?

No

Not like all the others. 

So many e-mails.

So many letters.

Do I want to go through them all?

Yes.

No.

It's Over

It's disorienting and unpleasant, being forced to the ground

I don't like it.

And then he wouldn't say a thing, wouldn't do a thing. It was sad.

I don't like it.

And I ended up all alone most of the time, or stuck in a tree with only my brother for company. 

I don't like it.

They had fun, though and I suppose that is all that matters.

And now I don't like  me for not being good enough t

Doodles on the Skin of Life

Today is Friday the 13th, and this morning it slipped my mind that it is the school's Valentines Day, since we won't be seeing each other until tomorrow. I spread my tablecloth across the ground and it filled up with love. I am contemplating putting this on my wall, or preserving it somehow. It has become precious to me.


A Tweety balloon won't last that long.

Floating on an Unstable Cloud

Plans are going going going as my spirits raise higher and higher and higher. English is a bore, and feels lonely, but that's life!

Father called me today, but I was at my mom's work, helping her out, and told him so. It was a bit award, what with my mom listening, but at least it didn't last too long. And I know why he called~

That's all for today

I get to see my girlfriend in two days~

♥

My World Isn't Yours

Dance around singing in the rain. Nothing's insane. Everything's crazy, nothing is normal. When they look back on what they saw today, they'll all think the same thing--the thing you want them to think. "What a weird girl." Wouldn't that be the best way to be remembered, if you are to be remembered at all? As someone they couldn't imagine understanding, a mysterious girl who never seemed to make any sense at all yet always wore a smile on her face but for the occasional times when that notebook would come out and she would have the most troubled look on her face, like she was fighting death itself. 

No one notices such details, just events that stuck out in their mind as interesting or funny. It's all amusement for them. Nothing more, nothing less.

And what is it to me?

A fun game without a happy or complete ending. Always craving more, better.

Watch the Rain Fall Outside Your Window

Today I feel so content and light, I could start floating on clouds and dancing on rooftops. 

My fears seem so silly.

Yet the things I am adding make them greater. Pure, uncensored emotion.

I don't know anymore....

perhaps tomorrow my opinion will differ.

A Step Out Into the Spotlight

So today I auditioned for a play. 

I don't have too much confidence that I made it,  but I really do hope that I did. 

Even if I don't I can always say that I tried. I tried and failed, but one learns from experience and will improve from it.

My dad might be able to get me into those theater classes for free. That would be nice. 

I want to be better and better.

Oh yes I do.

The Crinkle of a Life Being Crushed

It's times like this that I want to scream. Scream at the top of my lungs at you. And you. Both of you. 

You didn't tell me anything. 

No one ever tells me anything.

You know what I did during history?

I cried.

I put my head down in my arms and cried. 

Then the teacher told me I could escape to the restroom and I cried more there. More and more and more.

How could you?

Even Sophie, who I am not the best of friends with, told me that much. 

What, you want me to stop everything that I am doing and check up on you? To ruin my fun just so that I can know?

I'm always the last to know things. No one ever tells me anything. And I only find out by eavesdropping, or they tell me last. The very last.

I feel like I am losing this fight. I can't convey to you how much the weight of everything is crushing me. You misunderstand it. I hate it when people misunderstand me. Anything about me. Especially when I am pouring my heart out into a glass jar for people to view.  

I ended up pouring it onto someone who can do nothing. Who doesn't understand anything. And who probably doesn't even care. That upset me, so I turned again, further. To a different person who is so far away yet closer than what is becoming of this. 

Stop leaving me all alone. I don't want to be alone.

Imagine

Imagine waking up to having a vast amount of information poured upon you, whether it be a deep question or a torrent of news from someone. Wouldn't that be so overwhelming that your head would start spinning?

Imagine that every day, you try your best to acknowledge others, who in turn barely acknowledge you back, then wake up one day to find them chatting it up with you in a way you remember from long ago.

Imagine coming to class and idly wondering where a classmate had gone, and assuming that they had dropped out, only to later find out that they were dead?

Imagine being the center of a struggle for attention between two friends, neither of which trusts the other. Imagine having to partake in two conversations at once.

Imagine walking through something you've abandoned and wishing you weren't there, for in your mind you can hear the snide remarks they are mentally making and the dark looks they are giving you for quitting before anything good actually begun. For not even giving them a chance.
But I did. I did give them a chance. And that chance crushed me.

Imagine standing outside in the cold with people you barely know, who are friends of your friends, wondering where your friends friends have gone.

Imagine sitting on a bench and talking to two dear friends, only to be pulled away and out of the cold as it is time for you to be gone.

Drowning

I can't imagine how it must be for Heather-la.

I have a few classes without anyone and it is almost unbearable, if I didn't have pen and pencil. I wonder what my facial expression is like when I am writing about such things...

That hurt, Ms Kirk. "I know you all know everybody in here, so find a buddy and stop complaining." 

And thanks, Ms Mihealsick for putting me in a group with no one I wanted to be with. I don't know these girls. Was that the point? To get me to meet new people? I've been in their groups before. They don't accept me. People in general don't accept me.

Or perhaps it's me that doesn't accept them. It's my fault. 

Do I not fit in there or do I just refuse to fit in?

I suppose I'll just be perfectly silent and watch them talk about their lives I take no part in.

Warning: Highly Emotional

So recently, I've been watching a lot of movies that make me cry. Of course, I hate crying when there is someone sitting right next to me who will ask, "Why are you crying?" when I haven't got a response as to why.
I almost cried during Alice in Wonderland! Alice in Wonderland! I was able to stop myself from actually crying, but I've never wanted to cry during Disney movies before. And then there was The Fall, and Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day, and lots more...Perhaps I am just sad and want an outlet with other peoples' lives that are fictional?

AHHH
I am thinking too much again
au revoir

A Thought Filled With Nothing

I've been thinking deeply about things, and getting nowhere in them. I don't know why I am thinking so hard, or what I hope to accomplish.


D a i l y s t r e t c h

the spiders...

Former Happiness, Future Joy

A strange thing happened...I was typing this, and then it all changed languages on me. It was quite upsetting.

ANYWAYS,
Phoenix almost got NAARON MO to cry yesterday. It makes me smile. AND he buried his head in his hands, so you never know, he could have been crying. But that isn't enough.

And tomorrow is the amazing party-ness. I get to see my girlfriend. I'm so excited and happy.

Don't skip class, children.

Hm
and I might change my seat in English class.
I have a valid rea--

anger
anger anger



um...right. Well, I love you, whoever you are, for finding this and reading this.
That's all for today.

Oh, and I've started something I'll never tell you about.

Before the Clamity

So today we lounged around the house.

Preparations were begun for the events happening tomorrow. 

My room is still a mess...but it should be fine by Sunday. I've cleaned it in 30 minutes before, so I know I can do it sometime tomorrow, if I put my mind to it. Mentally, I am prepared. So away we go~

Confrontation

so today i had a wonderful time with Megan-la and Phoenix-wa after our final finals and such. We went home together in my dad's car and had PBJ sammiches.

Lots of fun we had. 

Phoenix left at 4, but Megan stayed till 10. 

Gtalk is amazing, I must say. Yet conversations are so hard to carry on. Too much effort. And for what?

Yes, I am avoiding confrontation. Perhaps I never will actually confront anyone about this. Just my lonely blog, I suppose..

Inside

I feel like my insides are being crushed

the empty box crushes them more and more and more

it hurts

but i won't say anything more

A Blog...

A blog is kind of like a diary, I suppose...except quite public. Yes, quite.

So today I have been stripped of my iPod video. SO I now have updated my iPod mini. Ah, life is good.

For now.

DUN DUN DUUUUN!