A group of cows is a murder

It's like a drug I can never get enough of, can't stop craving it
yet still it can't leave me satisfied
rather, it leaves me feeling unbearably

broken

WHY DO I DO STUFF LIKE THIS

INSTINCT: RUN RUN RUN NOW!

Suddenly I feel really lonely
and my dreams mean less
no
they're meaningless

THE END IS NEAR
FREE HUGS 4 ALL

It's cold here
but I'm sure you're warmer than you've been in months

unlike me

School has become...a painful experience.

It haunts my dreams, makes me tremble, makes me shake. It is slowly breaking me down.
And I can't escape it, can't st

I am thankful for the mysterious forces of the world that brought me to a friend when I needed one the most.

But I need to keep a better reign on such emotions

I have a feeling that if I broke out sobbing in the middle of class you wouldn't give a fuck
as for the teacher, she would care all too much

But people aren't disproportionate, are they?

Suck it up
this pain is irrelevent

irrelevent irrelevent irrelevent

insignificant

I'm so lonely.

Why do the words with such meaning in our hearts sound so meaningless and stupid aloud?

I'm going to let the anemia come back. I am going to let myself get sick and

I'm curious
that kills, no?

I don't belong there, with them. I can't shine as brightly as they, can't fit in or be noticed.

Unapproachable?

I am feeling very pessimistic to-day

I think I'm developing some sort of condition where my body rejects food...

His heart is in the right place, but his actions....they hurt.

People make me uncomfortable these days

Wish Right Now

I'm not one to complain much, for I don't want people to worry about me, but...


recently it seems my stomach has been rejecting food in general. Not on a large scale, mind you. I'm not throwing up or anything. It's just, after I get hungry and eat, after eating my stomach attacks me from the inside a little bit until it decides to settle down.
This is how I spent my Thanksgiving break. It started the Tuesday we were let out, during lunch, and hasn't really...let up over the past five days. I've also had off and on headaches and backaches, as well as a bit of insomnia. I keep waking up at 5am and then trying so so hard to fall back asleep. And I can't seem to get tired until after midnight, which is bad.

It seems I'm deteriorating.

How unfortunate.

We are so fragile
and our cracking bones make noise

Somehow The Reactions Are All Wrong

The ego seems to be protecting me
though my id just wants pleasure, pleasure, happiness

devastation into anger
disappointment into laughter


suppress, suppress, crush that memory
between two flaps of brain tissue
and not remember a thing
until the moment has passed,
and the subject is thousands of miles away
looking back and feeling foolish
wanting nothing but to run away
avoid, avoid, avoid
never return to that place
those people
never return to that memory
that fear

Thomas Higgins

Well, that almost-romance was short-lived

don't worry Thomas Higgins, you won't be hearing from me ever again
you won't even remember I exist, and you won't have any proof.


It seems you failed the test
I must be pursued if you want success
and you have failed


I'm going to laugh this off now














It seems I was right this time
the doubts
the fear of hating
this time it became reality

SENIOR PRANK

WE WILL LEAVE THE FAUCETS RUNNING IN ALL THE SCHOOL BATHROOMS AND WRITE ON THE MIRRORS IN RED LIPSTICK "THE CHAMBER HAS BEEN OPENED"

I know that she isn't proud of me, even when I succeed

but really, I'm not worth being proud of

Forgive me if my tone is rather empty, I've been a bit emotionally distraught since yesterday. I can't really deal with stuff like this right now.

I honestly don't think they care
at all

like if I sat all alone and ate my lunch
while trying my best not to cry
they wouldn't notice
wouldn't care

so I left

This is the kind of stuff that makes me run away
where people will inevitably kill me

You don't understand the delicacy of my heart.

Slave for a Day

If you were my slave for a day, things wouldn't be extraordinarily special, since I already have minions of my own. But since it'd be a special day, I'd prolly spend more time with you.
I wouldn't be cruel, I'd never do that to someone who placed their trust in melike that.
Unless....you were one of ThEM

I get rid of my emotional turmoil through schoolwork. Busywork. Motion. Thoughtlessness.

The reason why I hate Christianity and sliding from that God in general is because of them, who were never nice to me, but nice to everyone else. Everyone else.

When I get mad at other people, I resort to self-punishment.

I wonder if this isn't....

Something Wrong With Me

I just push people away with ugliness
try to make them hate me

when provoked
I will lose all sense of right and wrong
just thinking of what will make me satisfied now
what will make this feeling, this monster inside of me,
grin with utter delight
devious delight

I will pummel you to pieces
with words or actions
until the demon within me smiles
and cackles at your pain
utterly delighted at what power I have
at what I have done

then I have to live with the end results
and convince myself that that is what I want

the boy I almost beat up who was afraid of me for a time
(and isn't afraid of me anymore, sadly, sadly)
the boy I kicked in the face
the boy I placed the pinching crabs in hand, only to pinch his palm and hurt him
the girl I tried to crush with words
the girl I threw a basketball at, hitting her on the head

viciously

the boy I sent hateful words to
(due to fear of being used, abused, manipulated
yet the ironic thing being, if I was wrong and the words were true, it would hurt him even more)



I'm telling you, truly, I don't need friends
and if they are my friends they should be able to love all of me
even the darker side of me that cackles at the revenged pain of others
cause by me, for me, crushing them



Don't love me
I'm the monster here
How could you love me?
I'm the monster here.








Let's lose ourselves to nothingness.

That's It.

I think I've realized why it is that I feel like I can't trust people.

And it did originate in my childhood

It makes more sense now
It's not illogical, or irrational
It didn't just come out of nowhere

It's because of that suppressed memory
and that shattering plastic




...
I'm glad that apple is gone.

Too Much Emotional Investment

I feel like I'm losing a little bit of sanity, here

or perhaps I'm losing myself into a reality that does not exist
investing so much in characters
that only exist in the mind

What does it mean, when you're reading something and suddenly your arm starts fluttering, jittering with...excitement?
Or when you can't control your emotions about a story, and your face and arms display a flurry of emotions?

Am I losing it....?

I think I might be.

I'm sorry, Force

That feeling of being alone and needing any sort of comfort, from anyone,
it didn't matter who it was
I know that feeling
I've felt it recently
though you, you're so bold, saying it so outright
those words were probably hard to type
I know they would be for me
I don't tell people the things I want from them, but I expect it anyway

and when they don't respond, you assume the worst
or, at least, I do
my mind is already spinning with the fear that they hate me
they don't care
they won't respond to my words

and sometimes I send out vague cries of help
when really I have no intention of telling them anything
but really it just pores out
and then she tells me that people will hate me
perhaps do hate me
because I never let anyone in
but that isn't true
it can't be true
I let people in, don't I?
I try to, but too far into my heart and I get scared

how did I end up this way?
before, I had no reason to distrust people, to keep things inside for fear
of my words being stolen
but now, this fear is being enforced by the betrayal of a close close friend
she took my words
and told them to my enemies
my closely guarded secret workings of my heart...
I was just starting to trust her, too

but this feeling
it isn't about me
I should be worried about you
I AM worried about you
that is what brought on this emotional collapse

I'm reliable, aren't I?
or, at least, I used to be

you shouldn't feel alone
don't feel alone
I'm here, I'm here
I want to call you, but am afraid of disturbing you
I don't want you to be annoyed with me
or possibly hate me
(but really, what reason would this hate have? It's all in my head, in my heart, doubting me, suffocating me)


I don't want them to touch you
they aren't nice people
I don't trust them with things
they just spoil things
spoil me
make me feel worthless


ugh
why am I friends with these kinds of people still
I should just...go


but life is unbearable when you're alone
...this year started unbearable
but it is getting better and worse, I suppose...

Back in the USSR

In Soviet Russia, stones stone YOU!

I tell truths in a way that I hope they are perceived as lies.

The World Feels So Cold

The world feels so cold. So devoid of warmth.

In the air of buildings, in the hearts of people, in the fake friendliness of people.

So cold.

I can't handle this

It kind of wrenches my heart in two, to see this happen between what had appeared to be such a sweet couple. They were together for three, four years, and make it through some tough times, but they always made it through together. The fights would end, time would mend, and life would go on.

But now it seems as though life has stopped.
I can feel her pain so clearly as though it were my own. I do not know why. Perhaps it is the care I have for her, for I want her to be happy, content, and unhurt. I don't want her to hurt. I don't want her to cry.
I wish I had more answers, but I don't. I don't know the right things to say. I don't know the right emotions to convey across. I can't change the topic, I can't stop rambling on about things that aren't important at the moment.

"Mmm.... I don't know the exact reason why, but all of this saddens me greatly. I think it's because I don't want to see you hurt at all. Because I care about you. Because you're my friend. Really my words don't matter much, that in the end, words are just words, and emotions are only slightly swayed by them, but I hope that at least my words can help a little. Make things more bearable. Manageable. Less...unpleasant. Not that we can make this less unpleasant. It is what it is, and nothing can change that. Though we can change how it affects us, at least a little bit, I suppose. "

But this is how I vent. With words, typed words, spoken words, written words.
Words that bleed pain. Sort things out. It's so hard to merely mentally take the chaos from within and keep it within that chaos, trying to sort it out amidst it all.

"Best friends help best friends in any way they can, even if sometimes it feels inadequate. But no one can be 100% adequate. We're human, after all."

I can only hope that all of my rambling and blubbering will help, at least a little bit. People give me their heart, and so it is only right to give them mine. At least in that moment where they need it so dearly, it would seem a crime to hold anything to yourself that could make the situation even marginally better.

You must make things better. But never with lies. Always with truths spoken from the heart. Even if those things may turn out to be rotten advice, just the comfort behind the words is all that counts. Trust is key. Trust. Trust.

Frustration

There is merely an air of frustration in this house.

In me.

He never does anything, he doesn't really care for us as much as he should. His contribution to this household is minimal. He doesn't appreciate the things we do for him. He doesn't appreciate us.
Yeah, you worked and supported us for 13 years but what are you doing now?
Minimal effort.

Sometimes I wish him gone, sometimes I wish myself gone.
From this house, this influence of frustrated people.
The feeling of love gone.

It is a gradual decline.
Into nothing.

When is vagina time?
All the time.

O beautiful one, your stubble does not bequeeth you.

Things are turbulant!
I'm lashing out at you

Because of such harsh words, my eyes are dots!

Morphing Interwebs

Hiding behind typed usernames,
internet-created persona
that no one could live up to
Undoubtedly.

Yet we doubt things
we change opinions quickly
as though we think
the person themself has changed
permanently

In reality,
things are more concrete
less surreal, changing and morphing
daily

With the drop of a word
the world can morph
into something far uglier
than meets the eye

mesquite tofu

How many times must I say never before it becomes fact to you?

"Fornicate the homework it is."
148

Unsquishy Marshmallow, Smashed

It seems life is getting less nice and more stressful...there are so many things I have to do, so many things that must be accomplished. And all I want to do is have fun.

I haven't been getting very much sleep lately
I haven't been enjoying my weekends lately
I feel disconnected with people lately. I don't feel like trying to be socially acceptable anymore. It's too much work to hold up that façade, too much work to do all of these things to make people like me. It's just not worth it. No one is going to like me. I'm too....creepy. Out there. Strange. Too nice. Not pretty enough.
And it doesn't really matter that they all either think I have a boyfriend or a girlfriend, which neither are true. Let people be people. They will always talk about things they know nothing about, make up stories to explain the situations apparent. Though none of the situations I exist in are apparently apparent. Or clear. At all. There's always a hidden second side to the story that no one can see, that we have to point out, hiding beneath the layers of perceptive reality.

I promised myself that when school started up again, I'd make this blog make more sense. But it's already too personal for that. Much too personal. I can't just stop this somewhat uncensored version of my emotions and perception of my reality.
Ah well. No one cares anyways.
All of my stalkers are gone.



My, isn't that frightful.

We Shouldn't Have to Live in Fear

"I'm trying to be nice"

He says as he screams at us.

Swears at us.

This animosity is growing, unfortunately.

Yelling doesn't solve a thing.

I'M READY NOW

OKAY I'M GOOD AND MISERABLE
NOW CAN I WRITE THIS FUCKING ESSAY CORRECTLY?
OR WRITE ANYTHING AT ALL?

IS SOMETHING ACTUALLY GOING RIGHT TODAY?

Bibliophiles

Ruined

Why can't weekends just be enjoyable, be mine?
First he yells at me, ruining my optimism for the day
then they all ignore what I'm saying, don't care for
my words
now I have to cancel it
and do all this hw

I hate today

One of these days you'll be gone and I shall be satisfied

I told you this, I told you that
but, really, who gives a fuck?

Ker-smash

I'm no longer in enjoyable company.

I am nothing

melting, falling, shapeless

Still.

Yes, it was I who thought those thoughts about breaking all ties with you, but still, it hurts that lately you had such distanticity.

Is this your attempt at change? It seems inconsistant, and I can't don't like it

Though my constants are falling off the edges of planets, lately.

At least someone still loves me.

....right?

SEIZURES

Happy seizures are the best kinds of seizures.

Nothing Changes, Everything Changes

I'm still the fragile girl I was when I was young.

Magnus Bane C:

"I shall provide you with something better."

"Magnus Bane."

Did you?

"If no one in the entire world cared about you, did you really exist at all?"

She has closer friends and I'm not really on the high priority list

Maori tribesman
"subcutaneous display" John Mielke

You shouldn't have to force someone to go to church. That isn't religion. It's brainwashing.

Yo sup. Welcome to Hagrid's coat. (Sammmmm)

Call me immature if you like, but I'm still afraid of things.

I just smashed my insides and now I can't stop crying.

The world isn't nice, or good.
It isn't.

Send me a text in the middle of class
it's okay, I'll still pass

I don't believe in temperence. I think that people should be able to do what they want as long as they aren't doing it so intensely that they kill themselves

I'm a violent person and deserve no friends
I'm dangerous

to

you

I don't go because I feel like I don't belong. And when I do belong this terror builds up, this feeling that everyone secretly hates me and their smile is false

Your love is better than ice cream

In the end, they just don't care
It's always the same way
and in the end...I'm all alone

I wish they'd like me
I wish I clicked more

Alas....

Being invisible sucks but I suppose it's better than being hated

It's sad how easily things can fall apart

The week ends and begins the same
alone
with sadness

lonely

I don't talk enough to be hated
or disliked

I hope

Your silence speaks louder than words with all these vampires in my head

He hasn't spoken to me since then
Conclusion: he hates me

Death is earned, never given

Like moths upon old scars

A week with Bianca is fun.
A week without isn't.

I hate having him in my life. I wish he'd just go away forever, no matter the cost to me.

The Truth

And nothing else.


For a while I've been struggling with holding opinions of people and ideas and things and people in general.
One thing that's been bothering me in particular is religion.
I don't know what I believe in anymore, or if I even believe in anything at all. My beliefs were always passive, influenced by others, depending on where I was and who I was with. Now, being surrounded by so many different views, I'm left alone to wonder, what do I believe? And I've found that slowly everything is disintegrating. I don't really believe in anything anymore. Not really.
And that in itself is a sad thought.

Friends friends friends worry worry worry.
Ugh. This is enough for me tonight.


Is it bad that when people send me e-mails I get annoyed?

Snap

I messed up big time. And now I feel empty, broken.

I don't want to do anything. I don't want to say anything.

So I won't.

Not ever again.

The invisible bruises hurt the most.

Maybe if I was a better person more people would hate me.

I'm afraid of reaching out for niceness
'cause I'm afraid of your cold shoulder
your display of rejection
or, worse,
refusing to acknowledge my existance

(A)Lonely

So desperately lonely she cannot escape
try as she might to carve out this gape
lips chapped and wind furiously trying to touch
she looks away from the other's much

Craving the company of someone, anyone
she can't help but feel that she hasn't won
since they, the strangers, have a friend
and she, though possessing many, is alone in the end

The war, it seems, is futile
she'll always end up solitary for a while
without the comfort of another's smile
she'll sit in solemn silence
and try not to think of my can'ts,
shortcomings, flaws
that, inevitably, leave me
breaking my very own laws

The Eternal Chase

I'm always chasing after her, even in my dreams

Lies. Truths.

I am a closet fan of nothing.

Admit It

As much as it pains to admit it, everyone makes other friends and moves on.

Eye War

Years ago, a boy had his eye stolen from him and then put in the eyesocket of an evil man.
Years later, this boy fell in love with a lovely girl with different colored eyes. In an effort to prove her love, she chased after the evil man and stole the eye of her lover back, ripping out one of her own eyes so the eye of her lover would be safe, and placing her other eye in the eye socket of the evil man. She then proceeded to carve out the brains of the evil man and

Someday I'll just snap and kill everyone

There's nothing pretty about me

I will never amount to anything

Breakdown

Don't have an emotional breakdown in the shower.

Even when everything's gone wrong today.

Everything just dies in the end

It's so hard to be so nice

I'm not worth a cent

What if I beat you to death? What then?

If he would just die and get out of my life, everything would be so much better.

Hatehimhatehimhatehimhatehimhatehimhatehimmakehimgoaway

You ruined the last safe haven we had. Now we're....
Well, I just feel shattered. And utterly furious.

Go away! Stop stalking us!!

God, I need a vacation.
From all of your shit.

Stop

I can't help but feel that there is a rat amongst us
a spy
and I hate them for it

That was one step that you took for nothing
and I hate you for it

You deserve to not have any friends
You both deserve to die

My heart is in it when I say
I hate you

Hate Overflowing

I hate him I hate him I hate him make him go away forever please
I feel like I can't wait for the release from such torment
Soon soon soon please please please

You Don't Have to Cry

I just cried over Heather not being able to go to prom. Sobbed, really. Because it's all my fault and I can't do anything.
God, I hate dillusional people.

I told myself not to get hurt this week. It didn't work.

My Thoughts Concerning...

Sleeping.

Honestly most of the time I think it is an absolute waste of my precious time. When I could be playing, talking, chatting, writing, doing hw, reading, I have to spend time in my bed sleeping. And in the morning it is always nearly impossible to wake me up, which is unfortunate.

Well, I just wish I needed less sleep.

Because those moments between waking and sleeping are the most precious to me, creatively. It's where I get most of my ideas, most of my imaginary experiences that feel so real, sometimes it's hard to distinguish them from reality...except they're usually quite nonsensical, if you take a step back and examine all of the details. The more nonsensical ones are a bit useless to me, but they allow me to explore my sleeping senses, which is certainly fascinating and entertaining. Hmm. Amusing.

If only I required less sleep and had less homework, I would be so much happier....

John Green

Moment of the night--a guy with really curly hair hooked up Pokewalkers with me and we playbattled, Ditto vs Raiku. He thinks he won. I think so too ><

MY WALL IS PERFECTLY COMFORTABLE!! STOP SHIFTING!!!

SILENCE!

The creeper on my wall outside can stop now so I can go to bed~.

My creeper lessons are done for the night!

Crazy

I'm the crazy girl who snuck downstairs to get her ring.
He's the crazy father who didn't notice a thing.

Untouchable.

Unjust Awakening!

If someone or something unjustly wakes me up, I get angry and bitter and do anything to make their life hell because of it.

Dorkazoid

Math calms me.
And that's the sad truth.

Bend Over Backwards

Bending over backwards is difficult but possible. Ironically enough, I did it during physics to retrieve a fallen paper off the ground. Challenging

Smart Study Guides

Next to my SAT prep booklet is Doctor Seus's ABCs. I feel special :3

Shadow Friend

You're my shadow friend!
So don't go hurdling down through the atmosphere like a knid. Or a comet. Or a shooting star. Okay?

Liar.

Your sincerity is false.

We've started in the negatives and now we're traveling backwards

I am Alice
Afraid of commitment, answering questions when I don't know what my answer is or should be
I just want to run away from indecision

I am not a morning person.

The night was filled with repetetive nightmares of the SAT. My twin driving. Eyore. Purple Sage. Somehow ending up without any pants and it making sense. Forget

Bonjour mon ami!

If I could fall into death now

I might just

go

Sorry

I couldn't be a better daughter/friend/etc.

To all of you.

I Know

that I mean nothing to you