I'm sorry, Force

That feeling of being alone and needing any sort of comfort, from anyone,
it didn't matter who it was
I know that feeling
I've felt it recently
though you, you're so bold, saying it so outright
those words were probably hard to type
I know they would be for me
I don't tell people the things I want from them, but I expect it anyway

and when they don't respond, you assume the worst
or, at least, I do
my mind is already spinning with the fear that they hate me
they don't care
they won't respond to my words

and sometimes I send out vague cries of help
when really I have no intention of telling them anything
but really it just pores out
and then she tells me that people will hate me
perhaps do hate me
because I never let anyone in
but that isn't true
it can't be true
I let people in, don't I?
I try to, but too far into my heart and I get scared

how did I end up this way?
before, I had no reason to distrust people, to keep things inside for fear
of my words being stolen
but now, this fear is being enforced by the betrayal of a close close friend
she took my words
and told them to my enemies
my closely guarded secret workings of my heart...
I was just starting to trust her, too

but this feeling
it isn't about me
I should be worried about you
I AM worried about you
that is what brought on this emotional collapse

I'm reliable, aren't I?
or, at least, I used to be

you shouldn't feel alone
don't feel alone
I'm here, I'm here
I want to call you, but am afraid of disturbing you
I don't want you to be annoyed with me
or possibly hate me
(but really, what reason would this hate have? It's all in my head, in my heart, doubting me, suffocating me)


I don't want them to touch you
they aren't nice people
I don't trust them with things
they just spoil things
spoil me
make me feel worthless


ugh
why am I friends with these kinds of people still
I should just...go


but life is unbearable when you're alone
...this year started unbearable
but it is getting better and worse, I suppose...