Push

I'm too fragile for this.

Stirring

a horrible stirring surrounded my heart and started moving in a most awful direction of tears

I didn't want to let it out, let it grow
but I had no will to suppress it either
tears started fighting their way out
and I started wiping them away

and you just sat there
trying not to look at me
as I sat trying not to look at you
because it hurt to look at you
it hurt
to see your unfazed face unbothered by anything even me

Lonely

You make me feel so lonely sometimes

You have the potential to make or break me
and so often
I sit there, letting the feelings fester inside me, around my heart, leaving it hollow with its stirrings
but I never want to say anything
I don't want to seem pathetic, or needy or
and sometimes I just want you near
without prompting

some kind of proof of affection


your words hurt more than you know
already tired of me
and so the song repeats
and you won't understand


I keep screwing up, reversing things
shattering trust
making you afraid of me and the things I can do, the things I can break
I don't want to stop being a human in your eyes
I don't want
to lose you



and I can't solve this loneliness
because it isn't fair to you
I'm such a temptress
I should want nothing

.
something broke inside me today
smash
shatter
crash

Together

Lying in your arms

nustled against you

was the most wonderful undeserved

feeling

Mattering

If I can't make you matter
or make you feel like you matter
why should I matter at all?
what good am I?

Naturally, everyone leaves.

There is no alternative.

My god, I'm killing him.

Why would you?

Why would you like me?
I'm absolute shit.

Never there for you when you need me, always making things difficult, never telling you things or relying on you nearly enough
I'm a fucking zombie who can't feel emotions right, and when I do feel them, I can't identify them in words, much less tell you about them or express them properly.
I feel trapped by the littlest of things
I'm not fair in the slightest. Not at all.
I lock up into silence and you can't unlock me
You can pressure me into anything, and I may or may not hate me for it later
You can't even fuck me, and I'm gross in a multitude of ways, from my head down to my toes. Oh all the ways I can repulse a man. I've got a list in my head. A list of why I'm atrocious. And I know you hate me already. All this needs is a little push, and my world is destroyed.

Because I'm a horrible person, and I deserve it.
You even said so.

Lonely, Aren't You?

You're just dating me because you're lonely.

You aren't letting go because you know there's no one else to hold on to.

There's nothing particularly special about me except for the fact that I like you and care about you and am there for you to the best of my abilities. You put up with my shit and with me because you know I won't leave or abandon you.
But I'm still expecting you to leave me any day now. You're so dissatisfied.
Yet I know you won't because I'm your guaranteed, easy option.





You hate me, you said so. So many times now.
So why won't you go?

Cannot Undo

There is no taking back the words

that feed my perfect nightmare

you see,

I can convince myself

that anyone hates me

it especially helps

when you let me know

that I was right

Songs of Slashing, 1 2 3

To destroy:

1. Never There - Cake
2. Because Of You - Kelly Clarkson
3. Freaking Me Out - Simple Plan
4. According To You - Orianthi

Each song, each lyric, cut into me; emphasized my shortcomings and wrongdoings.

The month I was gone in Puerto Rico, failing to be with you, to be there for you, to be your supporting rock. Failing you repeatedly. Leaving you with so many doubts, so little solaces.

The night in the rain filled with mistakes; the trust I fear will never be right again. So many things I fear will never be right again.

I keep making mistakes, creating more and more doubts in your mind when all I want to do is make you happy. I'm being unfair; I'm being selfish. I'm not being nice to you in the slightest. I keep asking for selfish things and giving nothing of the like in return. I see no pleasure your pleasure. It doesn't make sense to me. None of this does. It feels all backwards. Weird. Odd. Strange.

I hate it when you're upset. About anything. Especially trivial things that don't matter or really seem the way you say they are. I hate it when you argue with your brother. In that harsh there is no other way or answer sort of tone. Trying to make your point matter when really it doesn't; when the point should be ignored and brushed off.

I hate it when they argue.

I don't understand

I can't comprehend
how someone can find pleasure
in someone else's


I'm unfair unjustified selfish one-sided
and I should just
keep it to myself
take little actions on it
and never tell

why