I hate it when you notice little things that matter to my heart and bother me
but I hate it more when you don't

say anything

Yes

I have the tendency to always say yes

and therein lies the problem

My initial defense seems to be sarcastic cruelty.
I wonder when this happened.

Purity

Laying on white sheets makes me wary.

And I'm sure I fucked up something today.

And in the end I weave my own demise

Insecurities

I really like this. I mean, I really do.
But you know, with trust and jumping forward,
comes with risks.
I don't want to just be a conquest I want to be something more I don't want to be forgotten broken abandoned and won't that happen if i go just a bit too fast I mean I don't know I don't want that to happen I feel like i should slow down but I don't particularly want to I just want to go go go spend more time with you be happy get closer closer closer interweave our hearts so tightly that you can't break one without breaking the other
I know I started this joke but really that was before and this is now and ugh.

Also. I sort of feel bad. About how excited I am about their little developments. Probably because they're still do uncertain. And I'm so set. I'm set in, and I'm not leaving. The more I tell you the more I become attached, the more I can't leave. I'll just grow more and more and more attached.

I like this.

Like

I like the way you're gentle with me
I like all the nice things you say to me
I like how clingy you are
I like how slow you go
I like how you test the waters before venturing further
I like being with you
I like being close to you
I like you.

New

All of this is so new
so odd
but so nice
And there are all these feelings bubbling up inside me
but I'm not sure if I should share them
if you'd interpret it too oddly
yes yes yes yes yes
I don't want to lose this control that I have
though I don't know what it is that I do want
yes yes yes yes
there's only this humming in myself
a content feeling spreading all throughout
and a want want want
it's just so...pleasant. all of it.

But those questions you so desperately want answers to...

so do I.

What if I don't have all the answers? What then?

The stress is crawling into my belly
and twisting my insides and heart
so uncomfortably

who'd want to deal with such a mess?

I'm prolly going to see you today
and you're prolly going to ignore the whole thing
and I'm going to be upset
(about it but oddly relieved)

Breakfast

My one and only meal of today. That's healthy, right?

Apparently when we talked and joked about spending food money on books,

we weren't kidding.

Morning Freakout

No one's texted me back. Woo.

Oh my god, please brain, stop that.

Why

why are you so nice to me?

why why why

it's like i am trying to chase you away

what on earth is wrong with me

Risk

If you take every risk,

and most of them hurt you,

but some of them work out so nicely,

you'd gladly accept the pain

wouldn't you?

Why

why does he like me why does he like me why why why why

what's so great about me?

Lingering Fear

You know,

there's this thing in my head

and it keeps coming back

it's always someone you know

someone close to you

someone you trust

but I try to ignore that

and remain optimistic

let the people around me brighten my day when they greet me so cheerfully

blindly trust, optimistic to the end

knowing it will be my downfall

I have a dream

I have a dream, a wish of sorts

that one day

I won't hide these little things everywhere

or that someone would find them on their own

and they'd comment on everything

just to show they read it

they care

and nothing would change

(hearts closer thoughts explained)

Distracted

My mind flutters away

and again the feelings go away

until the answer

is yes

because why not?

Liking

Well you see the thing is this

I'm feeling these things

and you're saying these things

but they can't seem real

they just seem like a joke

(mostly because of that one time

where he said those things

and later I learned that it was all

just a kind of twisted sort of thing in his mind

using me for his own

not really

considering me

[it ended poorly]

Well you see the thing is this

I get sort of nervous with these sorts of things

and this odd sort of side of me pops out

which you seem to like too

and really if I think about it

I've been nothing but myself around you

which is good

I suppose

Well you see

I don't like that mean sort of side of me

so really I should just shut up

stop doing that

Well you see

the entire night it gradually became clearer to me

what exactly your intentions were

but his words echoed in my ears

wondering if really they were about me

yet finding no way they could be

does not compute

so now there's just these doubts in my mind

suppressing these things

that you are trying to

ugh

Really I just need to sort through these feelings

because right now I just can't

I don't know what I want
but it's just endless circles in my mind

I get nervous and so
this odd side of me emerges
that seems so totally cool with it
while inside things are breakingbreaking

Weakness

I don't suppose you quite understand just how hard it is to voice my fears and weaknesses like that

I don't suppose you know how much of a struggle it is to get those words out

things like "I'm afraid" or "this made me cry"

are impossibly hard for me to say

so treasure these words

and the insane amount of depth in them

that only I can perceive

Lonely

Don't make me feel alone or I'll cut myself off so I can't feel the pain (twinge of loneliness) so I'm truly alone ,after all isolation is better than being alone

I Know

I know that I don't really belong here among all of these people

I don't really know all the rules of the games they're playing

I don't know what it is they are referring to

I know that they're just kind of tolerating me

Though I'm not quite sure why

What's so good about hanging out with me? Having me join the group?

Nothing. I just ruin things with my limits and restrictions, with my lack of knowledge and lack of attention.

Why even bother?