The Procrastinator

I am the worst kind of procrastinator.

I procrastinate so much that I just end up not doing it.

God, tumblr, stop it.

My Sherlock Train Of Thought

blogger.com => "I'd be lost without my blogger" => Sherlock => Reichenbach Fall => tearstearssobbingontheflooreverythingishorriblewhyseason3why

Sardonic

And the irony of its name is that its very foundation consists purely of lies

The silent kind.

" I am not a dunce. I know about subtext. I watch Sherlock. :D " ☆

Yes, Cassie, yes

It's really frightening, not being able to recognize faces from far away.

The world is blurring, and leaving me behind.

Love is love

Love is love is love is love

Why can't the world see that?

And now

everything is saturated with poison

of the darkest brew

Smiles

Looking at that group picture of smiles hurts.

And those streets, they remind me of my confession. My disregarded confession. Which I shrugged off and pretended wasn't a big deal. Though really, it was.

I don't want to go back.

Mental Addiction

One thing that is pretty much on my mind all the time are roleplays. Because things that I thoroughly enjoy I slowly rapidly become obsessed with, and until they are complete I cannot rid them from my mind. And roleplays are never-ending. There is always a possibility for more. And as much as I want to constantly bug people about replying to them (because they never do), I can't bring myself to do it.

Want to know why?

Because of those two.

Even though it had nothing to do with me, a fear has been formed with me that bugging people about replying will push them into the same corner and destroy our friendship like that one was destroyed. So I just sit there and anguish over the silence. Because that's all there is--silence. My creative side is drying up and I need that outlet, but that isn't happening and I can't bring myself to make that happen. And, you know, I feel a little silly about it all. I mean, we started together, all those years ago in middle school, and now I am the only one still clinging to it. Everyone else has moved on with their lives. And here I am, still dependent upon that addiction.

Alone.

I still mean nothing to you

and I'm losing you

goddamnitnooneevenreadsthisblogandstillicannotbetruthfulijustsithereandbeparanoidandkeepitallinsideandthenigoandtrytofindpeaceinthesecretpartofmyselfbutijustsitthereparalyzedtonoaction

Touchy Subject

She brought up wanting to ask me a question about a touchy subject. But without the question, my mind was left freedom to wander. And even more freedom was granted when she said to forget it. Still, my mind went through the usual places of discomfort. Lost friends. Ones that would bother me specifically. One that would bother her specifically, yet is constantly on my mind. And then those secrets of mine that are always lingering in the back of my mind, like a poisonous shadow, flickering back and forth, in and out of my attention. But mostly I try to forget that poisonous shadow from the past. Though the three things aren't exactly things I can hide from. They'll keep eating away at me for as long as I keep them inside...

Even with all this speculation, my answer is still the same. For her, I'd answer anything.

In My Dreams

I had a dream about Adam this morning. It was a kind of hazy nonsensical dream, that for once featured people I actually knew. Though the really crazy nonsensical ones always are the ones that have reality mixed into them. We came to a peace, though even my dreams don't quite know what to say. How to talk things out properly. Even though that's what I want. Like they say, when someone appears in your dreams, it's because you want something from them. And I want peace of mind. Calm.

And in the dream I had that. I had stopped caring about everything that lurked in the past. I just stopped caring. I even got into the car with him and Kristin, though the annoyance for her was still there. Let him drive me to the bridge where she was waiting. You know, Bela. Though that didn't go quite right, either...the other dream with her, long ago, this feeling, didn't make much sense either. A Russian brother in a house and spiders and kidnapping...a nonsensical blur. But without that irritated emotion following her. The only irritated emotion with a person in this dream was with Kristin, but really, there isn't much hope for what it is I want.

Peace.

Hello.

I saw Adam today. Things were cheerful. I wish I could have talked to him. Like, really talked to him. But that's perhaps for another day.