Wish Right Now

I'm not one to complain much, for I don't want people to worry about me, but...


recently it seems my stomach has been rejecting food in general. Not on a large scale, mind you. I'm not throwing up or anything. It's just, after I get hungry and eat, after eating my stomach attacks me from the inside a little bit until it decides to settle down.
This is how I spent my Thanksgiving break. It started the Tuesday we were let out, during lunch, and hasn't really...let up over the past five days. I've also had off and on headaches and backaches, as well as a bit of insomnia. I keep waking up at 5am and then trying so so hard to fall back asleep. And I can't seem to get tired until after midnight, which is bad.

It seems I'm deteriorating.

How unfortunate.

We are so fragile
and our cracking bones make noise

Somehow The Reactions Are All Wrong

The ego seems to be protecting me
though my id just wants pleasure, pleasure, happiness

devastation into anger
disappointment into laughter


suppress, suppress, crush that memory
between two flaps of brain tissue
and not remember a thing
until the moment has passed,
and the subject is thousands of miles away
looking back and feeling foolish
wanting nothing but to run away
avoid, avoid, avoid
never return to that place
those people
never return to that memory
that fear

Thomas Higgins

Well, that almost-romance was short-lived

don't worry Thomas Higgins, you won't be hearing from me ever again
you won't even remember I exist, and you won't have any proof.


It seems you failed the test
I must be pursued if you want success
and you have failed


I'm going to laugh this off now














It seems I was right this time
the doubts
the fear of hating
this time it became reality

SENIOR PRANK

WE WILL LEAVE THE FAUCETS RUNNING IN ALL THE SCHOOL BATHROOMS AND WRITE ON THE MIRRORS IN RED LIPSTICK "THE CHAMBER HAS BEEN OPENED"

I know that she isn't proud of me, even when I succeed

but really, I'm not worth being proud of

Forgive me if my tone is rather empty, I've been a bit emotionally distraught since yesterday. I can't really deal with stuff like this right now.

I honestly don't think they care
at all

like if I sat all alone and ate my lunch
while trying my best not to cry
they wouldn't notice
wouldn't care

so I left

This is the kind of stuff that makes me run away
where people will inevitably kill me

You don't understand the delicacy of my heart.

Slave for a Day

If you were my slave for a day, things wouldn't be extraordinarily special, since I already have minions of my own. But since it'd be a special day, I'd prolly spend more time with you.
I wouldn't be cruel, I'd never do that to someone who placed their trust in melike that.
Unless....you were one of ThEM

I get rid of my emotional turmoil through schoolwork. Busywork. Motion. Thoughtlessness.

The reason why I hate Christianity and sliding from that God in general is because of them, who were never nice to me, but nice to everyone else. Everyone else.

When I get mad at other people, I resort to self-punishment.

I wonder if this isn't....

Something Wrong With Me

I just push people away with ugliness
try to make them hate me

when provoked
I will lose all sense of right and wrong
just thinking of what will make me satisfied now
what will make this feeling, this monster inside of me,
grin with utter delight
devious delight

I will pummel you to pieces
with words or actions
until the demon within me smiles
and cackles at your pain
utterly delighted at what power I have
at what I have done

then I have to live with the end results
and convince myself that that is what I want

the boy I almost beat up who was afraid of me for a time
(and isn't afraid of me anymore, sadly, sadly)
the boy I kicked in the face
the boy I placed the pinching crabs in hand, only to pinch his palm and hurt him
the girl I tried to crush with words
the girl I threw a basketball at, hitting her on the head

viciously

the boy I sent hateful words to
(due to fear of being used, abused, manipulated
yet the ironic thing being, if I was wrong and the words were true, it would hurt him even more)



I'm telling you, truly, I don't need friends
and if they are my friends they should be able to love all of me
even the darker side of me that cackles at the revenged pain of others
cause by me, for me, crushing them



Don't love me
I'm the monster here
How could you love me?
I'm the monster here.








Let's lose ourselves to nothingness.

That's It.

I think I've realized why it is that I feel like I can't trust people.

And it did originate in my childhood

It makes more sense now
It's not illogical, or irrational
It didn't just come out of nowhere

It's because of that suppressed memory
and that shattering plastic




...
I'm glad that apple is gone.

Too Much Emotional Investment

I feel like I'm losing a little bit of sanity, here

or perhaps I'm losing myself into a reality that does not exist
investing so much in characters
that only exist in the mind

What does it mean, when you're reading something and suddenly your arm starts fluttering, jittering with...excitement?
Or when you can't control your emotions about a story, and your face and arms display a flurry of emotions?

Am I losing it....?

I think I might be.

I'm sorry, Force

That feeling of being alone and needing any sort of comfort, from anyone,
it didn't matter who it was
I know that feeling
I've felt it recently
though you, you're so bold, saying it so outright
those words were probably hard to type
I know they would be for me
I don't tell people the things I want from them, but I expect it anyway

and when they don't respond, you assume the worst
or, at least, I do
my mind is already spinning with the fear that they hate me
they don't care
they won't respond to my words

and sometimes I send out vague cries of help
when really I have no intention of telling them anything
but really it just pores out
and then she tells me that people will hate me
perhaps do hate me
because I never let anyone in
but that isn't true
it can't be true
I let people in, don't I?
I try to, but too far into my heart and I get scared

how did I end up this way?
before, I had no reason to distrust people, to keep things inside for fear
of my words being stolen
but now, this fear is being enforced by the betrayal of a close close friend
she took my words
and told them to my enemies
my closely guarded secret workings of my heart...
I was just starting to trust her, too

but this feeling
it isn't about me
I should be worried about you
I AM worried about you
that is what brought on this emotional collapse

I'm reliable, aren't I?
or, at least, I used to be

you shouldn't feel alone
don't feel alone
I'm here, I'm here
I want to call you, but am afraid of disturbing you
I don't want you to be annoyed with me
or possibly hate me
(but really, what reason would this hate have? It's all in my head, in my heart, doubting me, suffocating me)


I don't want them to touch you
they aren't nice people
I don't trust them with things
they just spoil things
spoil me
make me feel worthless


ugh
why am I friends with these kinds of people still
I should just...go


but life is unbearable when you're alone
...this year started unbearable
but it is getting better and worse, I suppose...