Something Wrong With Me

I just push people away with ugliness
try to make them hate me

when provoked
I will lose all sense of right and wrong
just thinking of what will make me satisfied now
what will make this feeling, this monster inside of me,
grin with utter delight
devious delight

I will pummel you to pieces
with words or actions
until the demon within me smiles
and cackles at your pain
utterly delighted at what power I have
at what I have done

then I have to live with the end results
and convince myself that that is what I want

the boy I almost beat up who was afraid of me for a time
(and isn't afraid of me anymore, sadly, sadly)
the boy I kicked in the face
the boy I placed the pinching crabs in hand, only to pinch his palm and hurt him
the girl I tried to crush with words
the girl I threw a basketball at, hitting her on the head

viciously

the boy I sent hateful words to
(due to fear of being used, abused, manipulated
yet the ironic thing being, if I was wrong and the words were true, it would hurt him even more)



I'm telling you, truly, I don't need friends
and if they are my friends they should be able to love all of me
even the darker side of me that cackles at the revenged pain of others
cause by me, for me, crushing them



Don't love me
I'm the monster here
How could you love me?
I'm the monster here.








Let's lose ourselves to nothingness.

That's It.

I think I've realized why it is that I feel like I can't trust people.

And it did originate in my childhood

It makes more sense now
It's not illogical, or irrational
It didn't just come out of nowhere

It's because of that suppressed memory
and that shattering plastic




...
I'm glad that apple is gone.

Too Much Emotional Investment

I feel like I'm losing a little bit of sanity, here

or perhaps I'm losing myself into a reality that does not exist
investing so much in characters
that only exist in the mind

What does it mean, when you're reading something and suddenly your arm starts fluttering, jittering with...excitement?
Or when you can't control your emotions about a story, and your face and arms display a flurry of emotions?

Am I losing it....?

I think I might be.

I'm sorry, Force

That feeling of being alone and needing any sort of comfort, from anyone,
it didn't matter who it was
I know that feeling
I've felt it recently
though you, you're so bold, saying it so outright
those words were probably hard to type
I know they would be for me
I don't tell people the things I want from them, but I expect it anyway

and when they don't respond, you assume the worst
or, at least, I do
my mind is already spinning with the fear that they hate me
they don't care
they won't respond to my words

and sometimes I send out vague cries of help
when really I have no intention of telling them anything
but really it just pores out
and then she tells me that people will hate me
perhaps do hate me
because I never let anyone in
but that isn't true
it can't be true
I let people in, don't I?
I try to, but too far into my heart and I get scared

how did I end up this way?
before, I had no reason to distrust people, to keep things inside for fear
of my words being stolen
but now, this fear is being enforced by the betrayal of a close close friend
she took my words
and told them to my enemies
my closely guarded secret workings of my heart...
I was just starting to trust her, too

but this feeling
it isn't about me
I should be worried about you
I AM worried about you
that is what brought on this emotional collapse

I'm reliable, aren't I?
or, at least, I used to be

you shouldn't feel alone
don't feel alone
I'm here, I'm here
I want to call you, but am afraid of disturbing you
I don't want you to be annoyed with me
or possibly hate me
(but really, what reason would this hate have? It's all in my head, in my heart, doubting me, suffocating me)


I don't want them to touch you
they aren't nice people
I don't trust them with things
they just spoil things
spoil me
make me feel worthless


ugh
why am I friends with these kinds of people still
I should just...go


but life is unbearable when you're alone
...this year started unbearable
but it is getting better and worse, I suppose...

Back in the USSR

In Soviet Russia, stones stone YOU!

I tell truths in a way that I hope they are perceived as lies.

The World Feels So Cold

The world feels so cold. So devoid of warmth.

In the air of buildings, in the hearts of people, in the fake friendliness of people.

So cold.

I can't handle this

It kind of wrenches my heart in two, to see this happen between what had appeared to be such a sweet couple. They were together for three, four years, and make it through some tough times, but they always made it through together. The fights would end, time would mend, and life would go on.

But now it seems as though life has stopped.
I can feel her pain so clearly as though it were my own. I do not know why. Perhaps it is the care I have for her, for I want her to be happy, content, and unhurt. I don't want her to hurt. I don't want her to cry.
I wish I had more answers, but I don't. I don't know the right things to say. I don't know the right emotions to convey across. I can't change the topic, I can't stop rambling on about things that aren't important at the moment.

"Mmm.... I don't know the exact reason why, but all of this saddens me greatly. I think it's because I don't want to see you hurt at all. Because I care about you. Because you're my friend. Really my words don't matter much, that in the end, words are just words, and emotions are only slightly swayed by them, but I hope that at least my words can help a little. Make things more bearable. Manageable. Less...unpleasant. Not that we can make this less unpleasant. It is what it is, and nothing can change that. Though we can change how it affects us, at least a little bit, I suppose. "

But this is how I vent. With words, typed words, spoken words, written words.
Words that bleed pain. Sort things out. It's so hard to merely mentally take the chaos from within and keep it within that chaos, trying to sort it out amidst it all.

"Best friends help best friends in any way they can, even if sometimes it feels inadequate. But no one can be 100% adequate. We're human, after all."

I can only hope that all of my rambling and blubbering will help, at least a little bit. People give me their heart, and so it is only right to give them mine. At least in that moment where they need it so dearly, it would seem a crime to hold anything to yourself that could make the situation even marginally better.

You must make things better. But never with lies. Always with truths spoken from the heart. Even if those things may turn out to be rotten advice, just the comfort behind the words is all that counts. Trust is key. Trust. Trust.

Frustration

There is merely an air of frustration in this house.

In me.

He never does anything, he doesn't really care for us as much as he should. His contribution to this household is minimal. He doesn't appreciate the things we do for him. He doesn't appreciate us.
Yeah, you worked and supported us for 13 years but what are you doing now?
Minimal effort.

Sometimes I wish him gone, sometimes I wish myself gone.
From this house, this influence of frustrated people.
The feeling of love gone.

It is a gradual decline.
Into nothing.

When is vagina time?
All the time.

O beautiful one, your stubble does not bequeeth you.

Things are turbulant!
I'm lashing out at you

Because of such harsh words, my eyes are dots!