I am nothing but dust on the pavement, drifting in the wind

Starting the day off with a jar full of tears
and it never getting better throughout all of the years

Not Me

You get a text from your girlfriend. One of many. Usually, the little tone of her saying hey listen lightens your heart and makes you smile. But the taste of her texts is anything but bright. Stress had collided with you both since this afternoon's parting, and the texts are fraught with anguish.
Still, your heart can't help but flutter as you pick up your phone from beside you on the bed and read the latest text.
Your heart falls deep into your chest. She's crying. Your precious girl is upset and you're nowhere nearby to make her smile. This injustice frantically spurns you to action. Then you're off, a knight in shining clanking armor, on a quest to save the princess.



She cries a lot. You can't really stop her sadness, but you try best you can to make her smile, at least. Her words go so fast and her voice breaks so often, you can almost taste the desperate truth in her uttered confessions. She wants to share, wants to let you deep inside her heart so that she can be understood. All she wants is to be understood.
A car ride ends with kisses and laughter, though through her smile you can still see the tears. The two of you enter the house together, she pausing at the crossroads and staring at the foreign activity of a household unwelcome to her. A fear of distaste in her eyes, lingering fragments from the meltdown en route to this point, freezes her in place as she tries to smile and say hello. Her voice shakes. You command her to the bedroom (safe haven), and she follows at your touch.
Her body, her heart, is shaky. Her breaths are uneven. Nothing about her seems stable, but you are near. She cries some more, and you wipe her tears away and kiss her again. She loves it when you wipe her tears away and kiss her again.

You go to leave, on a quick errand for her, and her fingers desperately pull you closer, her eyes still wet with past tears as her voice breaks beneath the frantic plea of please don't go. You stay.

Misplaced Dreams

When I was in high school, there was so much possibility for the future. It didn't matter if I slipped up here and there with grades in high school. Once I got to college, it all started over and was disregarded. The future seemed impossibly bright.

Back then, I had three paths I wanted to take once I entered college. Computer programming, astronomy, or psychology. I decided to explore these best I could before entering the linear path of college, where every class you took was aimed towards your specific major. I took Netweb Design, Astronomy, AP Psychology. Loved all of them.
Lingering in the back of my mind was always writing. But I've always been told not to major in such a thing, for in reality it gets you nowhere.

Based on the majors I wanted to love, I chose schools excellent for them. I dreamt of going to Stanford, majoring in psychology, getting a masters in it, learning all there is to know about the human psych. A topic that I'd loved going through in high school, loved learning all the little bits and pieces about over that year of AP Psychology. And still I find the human psyche incredibly fascinating and would love to study more about it, learn more, discover more, understand more...
Neumont is my tech dream school. All the way in Utah. Definitely colder than Texas. And definitely much more expensive than any college in Texas. But it looks so wonderful and it's everything that I'd ever want in a college and I really want to go there I have a huge poster on my wall from there and everything I got cool mail from them asked them to send me cool things yet still alas not going there never going there too far too expensive too much no.

As for Astronomy...that's always been a passive interest of mine. Like writing. Yet a bit more directionless. Because what would I do? How would I make money? Would I enjoy it? I just don't know. I have no idea. So I'll keep taking astronomy courses (Stellar Astronomy!) trying to explore knowledge and possibilities. But probably not going in that directionless direction...mmmm.

Another reason that I'll never accomplish any of my initial dreams is that I fucked up. Big time. I failed to get perfect grades. Actually failed one course. So now no school will ever want me. It's what everyone tells me. And financial aid will rebel against me if this keeps up, and then I'll have nothing. No funds, no future, nothing. 

The only solution? Fuck college get a job. 

Yet I so don't want to.

Hope Hurts

It's funny how different a day can feel when it goes not at all like expected

like, when you expect to be sitting alone all day and suddenly your boyfriend shows up and joins you, it's a pleasant, brightening surprise

but when you expect to spend morning and afternoon into the evening with him and don't, then, it's a bit more lonely, more

disappointing

at least I have internet and music

and people to try and cheer me up? isn't that nice. 

scowling little me. I'll pretend it's school and move on. Please leave me alone. Please don't.

Lonely.

Discord Among Friends

It's always the hardest thing to deal with, when your friends don't like each other. Because then you feel like you should keep them apart, distance them from each other so their feelings of dislike do not grow. But you can't always accomplish that. So a tension grows in your heart. Trying to hide people from people, but everyone knows you can't hide people. People are too significant. 

The worst kind of discord is one within something that was supposed to be so solid. So certain, so sure, the one thing that was supposed to remain constant over the years. 

But, as it seems, nothing ever does remain constant. It always fluctuates.