I'm sorry that we can't all be fucking sunshines and rainbows like you

so sorry

I Hate People

You can't really have faith in people

and you just have to sit there and doubt them

really, it's required

otherwise you'll just be disappointed

and still you'll have those occasional leaps of faith

only to be disappointed yet again

in people you never want to see again

That trip you promised?

Those replacement cards you promised since you FUCKING RUINED MY DECK?

yeah. Thanks for not following through on your word. Thanks a fucking lot.

You don't realize this but
you're in all my dreams

Desire

I want to be wonderful

but terrible

Disconnect

This should not
set me off
something so trivial
should not send me into a
hysterical sobbing mess

making me feel things
feel em strong
stopit

Money

It's what makes the world go round

and I have none of it

no way of obtaining more

nothing

just occasionally a bit of funds for food

it makes me feel powerless

trapped

because honestly there's nothing I can do

(but starve, really)

and, honestly

it still bothers me

that you didn't buy me a birthday present this year

at all.

And the prospect of leaving
is all that more appealing

Heartbeat

I'm upset
and my heart is beating so fast
but that's your fault, isn't it?

Without You

There's this feeling of loneliness without you here

just traipsed off

cut off from here, from me

But I suppose this is how it is

to miss a person

when you're cut off from them

and you shouldn't

How you feel without me

those days I can't be around

for me, any sort of mental connection is enough

to get me by

Irrational loneliness and missing you

abandoned at home

I'll just play the good daughter and clean up, then

Because I clean when I'm uneasy

and move and move and move

Protect

he's very defensive of me
very protective of me
it's sweet

There is nothing amazing about me

I have no direction

can't express feelings well

can't feel things well

get upset easily at times

shut things up inside of me

am not intelligent enough

don't do well enough

give up too easily

too persistent

clingy

needy

I lash out at others when I'm upset

don't accept help

turn you away

don't feel things right

say things right

don't don't don't

won't won't won't

I am a horrible procrastinator

I smile about it but it kills me

I kill me

i make such bad decisions

all the time

and i couldn't care less about some people

but others i hate hate hate it when they're upset i want to see them smile

wrong wrong wrong I'm all wrong

this isn't right

i'm not right

this direction isn't

I'm not

I need to do better

but I can't bring myself to do it

and so I fail

suffocate

end

Semester End

Honestly I can't deal with me

you can't deal with me

who would want to deal with me

the result is always displeasing to my eyes

there is no way of winning

no way no way

I'm such a handful

why would you even

take the time to

care at all

and because I'm upset and freaking out and obviously that isn't enough

I decide to open up old wounds

because that is how I deal with things

when things get bad, I make them worse

it is how i deal how i cope how i go

I wonder why that's so

It feels like
my heart is
suffocating me

suppressing my air