Today surfaced the inevitable assumption that Sq & I are dating. Along with the inevitable denial and laughter at the prepousterousity of it all. That they don't quite understand. Misconstrue. Again.

Well it's not like I really matter. So.

Well it's not like anyone cares, so.

Empty Friendship

We both talk, but none really cares what the other is saying

It hurts each time I realize that

especially when I am trying

whereas you aren't.

I suppose nothing will come of this.

As you wish.

" Its only after we’ve lost everything, that we are free to do anything. "

Chuck Palahniuk

Swallow

I swallow my anger

let it surface in soft bursts of steam

while all the while it's simmering

beneath my skin

the pressure rising

until, again, I need release

The red washing

down the bathtub

can't change the color of the sea

at all.

Derrick C. Brown - “Instead of Killing Yourself”

Furious

You haven't the slightest idea how furious I am, or how much it has dampered my day every time you are in the room. And I can't admit to you why, because it's the little things that have gotten to me; the small, childish things. So kindly fuck off and leave me alone. Kthanks.

"Are you nervous?"
"Please don't touch me."
"Oh."

What were your first impressions of me?

I thought you were a B.

A B? B-i?

No. B-e.

B-e?

A b-e-a-u-t-i-f-u-l.

Pretty! (Even if I keep wanting to be like “Jace! Don’t smoke! Shadowhunters don’t smoke!”

Cassandra Clare

Pressure

I can feel the pressure slowly building. But I know that's just the way I am. Slowly simmering until eruption.

And I can tell that someday soon I will explode, and the truth will pour from my lips to whomever happens to be there at the time. It's happening little by little already. The day is coming, and I dread it so, yet eagerly anticipate it.

I don't want pity. I want help.

Abuse

Most of the time the victim knows the attacker

A fact I know all too well.

It could be a co-worker, a classmate.

Which is why I'm so afraid all the time.

because I know.

Luke Peoples

I've always been a little afraid of Luke Peoples. Or perhaps it would be more accurate to say wary. He's just always been...too cool for me, I guess. I always felt inadequate around him. Like I wanted him to like me at least a little and kept failing to do so. Failing to really see him.

hugs

afraid afraid afraid afraid afraid

wary wary wary wary wary

but i won't admit it to you

the person in question

not at all

not ever

J

I feel like I can't talk to you

because I can't keep the conversation afloat

and you're always distracted or something

he's either busy or doesn't want to talk to you

my mind always believes the latter

because it doesn't think in positives

and then I start rambling

telling you too much

which worsens the feeling of I feel like I shouldn't talk to you

at all

none of this is helping the anxiety i feel when i talk to people online

afraid of my words not being good enough

of pushing them away

and even one minute pauses feel like forever

filling my mind with doubts

endless doubts

you don't understand

having a bit of trouble breathing

and my stomach is rebelling against food again

i wonder if it's a time limit or if it's a sweet content

either way i should avoid these things

Insecurities

I should have just said no. I know what day it is. I know what they are to each other. I knew that I would be the uneasy third wheel in the back seat. I knew that.

So why did I go?

Because of promises, I guess.

Also because I was secretly afraid that he would leave me.

That I would walk out and no one would be there, no one would be there.

Just darkness.

It was kind of nice, though, I guess. I'm still a bit afraid of lots of things about him. Just little things. That I am trying to squelch.

But most of all I am afraid that one day this peace we've formed would have been a lie, that my initial fear was correct and I would go back to the terrified alone girl I was at the start of the year. Maybe worse than before.

The problem is not when you are moving

it's when you stop.

These are the dreams of the lonely
filled with such a yearning
during the waking hours spurned
yet still thriving on an empty heart

Honestly,

I am afraid of you. Because you're new. Unknown. Male. It frightens me. And my first reaction is to trust, yet memories keep me flinching away. I remember the one time tings went wrong. Kindness misplaced. Horribly horribly misplaced.

So I'm sorry if I feel awkward sometimes / all the time.

My instinct is to push you away.

I almost passed out today. It was kind of scary. Alone, alone, with the darkness and diziness encroaching

moriar-tea

BAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Gamer

I have realized somewhere along the way that I am a completely different brand of gamer than just guys in general. I don't play what they play, and they don't play what I play. Our hours and name of activity may be the same, but it's so so different. But that's okay. I'm used to doing this alone. Unshared.

^a reason why I was afraid to go to Neumont, even though it's SO PERFECT

and the poster on the wall t a u n t s m e