E l i m i n a t e the e v i d e n c e

Simple, and Yet..

It's just a simple, one-click action, and then it's done. The heart torn. I shouldn't take it personally...I should just hang on to the dear memories from then...or perhaps I should let it go. Then it wouldn't hurt so much to know it didn't mean anything to him. To know he's gone forever from my life.

And the girl from my childhood who has been by my side for years...not in a heart-by-heart way, but still, she was there. And I thought that was what counted...I couldn't be good enough, apparently. I couldn't become valuable enough to just click "yes."

It's so trivial

but it kind of hurts

Hunger

Why am I so hungry? I've been munching all day...

but I guess that's just it. I've been munching on snacks instead of actually having a good, filling meal. The snacks give me temporary satisfaction. It doesn't last long.

Then again, neither does the hunger...

Day One

Day one of college, and it's going pretty well. It was certainly a good idea to bring my laptop along, considering the large gaps in between my classes and all the free time I have, just lingering at school...

The first class was definitely the worst. I'm not saying I don't like the class, or that the people in that class aren't nice. Actually, the opposite is true. But, it being the first class on my first day of college ever, I was pretty nervous, anxious. It was unknown. So much unknown.

But really, things have been going pretty well since I got over that initial anxiety. I even spoke up in my english class...and kind of became the star "genius" student in there. Oh well. This isn't too bad. And, in every class I've sort of become friends with the people I sat next to..? I mean, we carried on a conversation and such...I think we have the potential to become great friends.

I love the diversity here. The freedom. There's such a range of people here, from people like me fresh out of high school to people who are married with kids and, my goodness, it's so amazing. And, the free snacks. Those are nice. It's like kindergarden, we said. In a way.

I ran into Andrew, Michayla, and Callie. It's nice to have friends to hang out with between classes...but they're all gone, now. Now all I can do is await the arrival of Megan from Northridge. Right now she's in Statistics...bah, I miss her, but at the same time, I am comfortable here. Content. Not that lonely.

Like those old comfortable days in Starbucks...

I hate them

Pester pester pester, push push push

it's like they think they can't rely upon me to do anything correctly myself

like I constantly need remindings of my shortcomings

You

you weren't good enough

to get everything done properly

this summer

You

you didn't obtain the things you wanted

you let the summer slip by

like sand through your fingers

What does that leave me with?

These poisonous feelings.

There's a special time, hiding between the days of the week, when the moon shines its brightest until the latest hours of the night.
Or has that, too, been destroyed?

Really?

Did you really just lecture me about eggs and what order I must remove them from the container? Really?

Motherless

So the first week of school, high school for my sister, college for me, is going to be spent precariously without my mother, who is in Puerto Rico for ten days because her mother is in the hospital. You know, I don't think I've ever been so long without the competency of my mother. I'm in charge while she's gone, pretty much. I do everything she would have been doing. Laundry. Dishes. Cleaning. Cooking. Hosting a party.

God, there's so much.

AND I STILL DON'T HAVE MY LICENSE. I HAVE NO ONE TO BLAME BUT MYSELF for me blacking out and whiting out today. I was almost home, too, when I just wanted to walk for a little bit. That was my mistake. My theory is, if you don't stop, you can push through the fatigue that's waiting for you at the end of your journey. But as soon as I started walking, the black spots started covering my vision, so I decided to stop for a little bit in the shade. Then I decided I was well enough to continue. Which I was wrong in assuming. The world darkened so much I couldn't tell if I'd properly crossed the street into the shade when I fell down upon the grass the second time. I sat there for a while, my sister looking at my worriedly. We even prompted a truck to pull up next to us and ask if we wanted him to give us a ride home. We declined (hesitantly). Stranger danger and all that. And he had a white pickup truck, too....

That was when we decided to call someone we knew for possible help. Problem: everyone's left for college. Jacob's bike was broken and our call was dropped. Andrew didn't respond to my text, though, really, if I was serious about calling for help I would have actually called him. I felt so pathetic. Really, I was so close to my street, so close to being at home, and here I was, unable to take a step forward without my vision warping. Darkening.

I decided to press on, eventually.

That was when things got really strange. Instead of my vision darkening, it brightened. Like, everywhere that sunshine hit became ten times brighter, as though it was overexposed film. It was like my life has suddenly received the special effects of movies and videos. It was quite strange, to say the least, but at least I could see the things around me, and press forward with my bike and the two textbooks in my star backpack slung over my shoulders. No cold water.

I refused to give into oblivion.

I can't help but wondering: is this how life will be if my parents divorce? With my mother working all the time, my father out of the picture, and I taking care of the children, the house. So much responsibility. But we'll get by, that I'm sure of.

We'll get by.

"You dead yet? No? I come back later." (twin)

"I play the sax, motherfucker"

Secret

Do you swear on your life?

I swear on my life.

You swore you'd never tell.

You swore you'd never tell

You swore you'd never tell

You swore you'd never tell!

And if you close your eyes for a moment and imagine the cruel expression on her face as she delivers these lines precisely, her eyes deliberate and malicious, it turns into...perfect poetry.

"WHY DID IT TURN OUT THIS WAY?!

Why did it get stuck to the bottom of the pan?! Why is it burnt?! Be good, pancake!"

"Yuushi's pancake is going through a rebellious stage."

Bad Habits Growing

I've recently gotten into a lot of bad habits

Like kind of nomming on my headphone cable while I listen to music

and staying up until 5am every morning and sleeping til 2pm...wasting all my days away. But I just want to be alone. Uninterrupted me time. Yet...I hate wasting the day away.

If only I didn't require sleep.

Guilt

It's not that you should forget your mistakes, or the pain that came with them

rather, you should hold on to this,

and learn from it

Use it as experience to help you move on

as well as to assist you in sympathizing with the pain of others

"I didn't hit you because I was angry

It's because I love you. Got it?"

In Darkness

When shrouded in the cover of darkness, is that when the real you emerges?

The dancing I'm so afraid of...

I'm Never Going Back

After all that's happened, I don't think I could really return to that place. I've been banned indefinitely, I don't know when it will end and they have no way of telling me if it's over.

Not that it matters, really.

I'm over it.

Delete, delete.

What's the Point?

Things are seeming increasingly pointless...people are seeming incredibly pointless. I'm feeling that rumoured cleaning out of my friends list that supposedly all college kids do. Really, what's the point in staying in touch with all these people that I don't really care about that much?

And those I do want to reach out to but can't...it cuts into me every time.

This probably just means that I'm ready for summer to be over. And yet, the entire idea and concept of college...I'm not mentally prepared yet. Not that I have to be.

What happens, happens, after all.