The girl you love is alone in the night crying and contemplating suicide and there's nothing you can do for her

it tears you apart

"You will fall in love with your friends. Deep, passionate love. You will create a second family with them, a kind of tribe that makes you feel less vulnerable. Sometimes our families can’t love us all the time. Sometimes we’re born into families who don’t know how to love us properly. They do as much as they can but the rest is up to our friends. They can love you all the time, without judgement. At least the good ones can."
          --The People You Will Fall In Love With In Your Twenties, Ryan O’Connell

Selfish needy perfectionist annoying doesn't know truths doesn't speak her mind always so hidden you can't see a speck of light she emits

but loves me still?

I don't think I'll last another year like this

So lonely she can't stand people

"I am making meaning with my life."
Dr Tiff Holland

Pass out in the morning then two panic attacks later super fun day it was
then another cut, this one on my wrist. Bandaid bandaid

Wavering Steady

You'll never know,
when I come or go,
but I'm here to stay,
I'm here to stay

I passed out again...on a stack of hangers. It hurts...it's never been this bad before

Perfect

How can you call me the perfect girl for you when I'm not perfect at all not to you  not to anyone.

I need to change who I am.

I made people mean nothing because that was easier than actually having them mean something. Easier to eliminate them in my mind, slaughter them from my consciousness. It was meant to protect myself from them leaving. Because everyone always leaves. I need to try harder to keep them close.
I'm sorry that I'm crying about stupid things insignificant things things that are nothing compared to well everyone else. The things that upset me shouldn't sorry sorry I'm not supposed to be sad my life is perfect heading on the straight path towards destruction.

Leech

I've been dragging him down again pulling him back into sadness drenching him with my depression

How do I undo that? How do I stop?

I don't walk elegantly

selfish inconsiderate thoughtless

I am selfish I am selfish I am selfish I am selfish I am selfish I am selfish I am selfish I am selfish I am selfish I am selfish I am selfish I am thoughtless

Unjustified

No one likes the perfect girl with the perfect life who still isn't satisfied with anything.
There is no justification for her sadness.

Wrong.

You aren't enough for me by yourself, so I need at least one more person in addition to you. And it must be a girl. I like girls. Especially a specific girl that isn't you...

You keep making that face and I just can't do it anymore you're no good I'll have to find my pleasure elsewhere...

You're too needy I can't always be there for you. It's annoying.

I've decided I like her more than you. She has all the things I ever looked for in a girl, all the things that you don't have. 

You weren't the girl I thought you to be. I don't see you as a person anymore. Sorry, I don't think I can carry on like this...

You aren't as smart as I gave you credit for; so boring. 

You're disgusting. Repulsive. Go away. I never want to see you again.

I'm worthless...not good enough for you. Goodbye.

Hurt

But embracing malice doesn't sound as nice as sadistic, now does it?

I listen to voices that cannot speak
and talk to boys that cannot listen