Captive

Why did you bring me home? This is what has become of me. This is what I have become.

Why have you brought me home? Why? I could have been smiling right now.

I could have avoided these tears.

I'm upset.

I want to go to sleep and never wake up again.

I feel so heavily prosecuted...

I had a bad dream last night about SPG. I got to see them live, they came to this park, but they wouldn't talk to me even when I said hello and they kept walking away and I couldn't get up enough courage to keep trying to talk to them so I ended up watching them get surrounded by other people and not pay any attention to me and I kept loosing them in crowds.
And now I wake up and it says that I've been banned from livestream chat and I'm a little baffled and upset

It's just making me curl up into that dream's reality
where else is there to go?

Memories, Memories

They fill my head with every waking hour and I just want to live inside of them

I try to distract myself

but my mind returns to these memories with too much idle moments

like right before bed

when the time comes for my mind to rest and me to sleep

I can't forget, don't want to forget

don't want to let go

of this sweetness

I just want to lie here and live inside my memories

but that's no good, is it?

Faerie Crush

I was his faerie crush.

I have no more words. Just feelings. Loads of feelings.

And memory.

Bump

It's a small inch backward into someplace smaller, darker

When past memories dredge back up

Insecurities resurface

And the temptation to crawl back

up into that darkness

where all is safe

dark, alone

Alone.

Disappear

I just want to disappear

to retract all of the words that come out of me

to erase all traces of me

in your life, in your mind, in your letters

I just want

to take it all away

so there's nothing left to worry about

nothing left to have no confidence in

Just nothing.

Unhappy

I just haven't

I mean,

today was just

and yesterday

I can't

Goodnight.

Disappear

I'm sorry, okay? That what I thought was awesome wasn't good enough for you. I'm sorry. It looked dumb. I'm sorry that I cared about it. I'm sorry that it mattered to me. I'm sorry that I took it seriously when obviously no one else was taking anything seriously there. I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry that I'm not good enough. I'm sorry I said anything. I took it down. It never happened. It's gone.

As is my happiness.

And the tears won't stop.

For the second time today.

Fortunately I'm not sitting in the middle of class today. No one wants a student to start sobbing in the middle of their lecture. And I'm sorry that I mumble. I don't really want you to hear me. I don't have any confidence in my words. Or in myself.

It's better not to feel anything at all. To not care for anything at all. For nothing to matter to you. Because then you can't get hurt. Then you can't get utterly crushed. Then you won't backtrack. Recede. Lose that progress.

You'll move forward.

Unlike me.

I See

Don't think I can't see you crawling up into yourself, retreating as I know I often do.

I'm sorry. It's my fault, isn't it? I just haven't been trying hard enough lately. I'm just so tired. So wary. Of trying far too hard. Worrying far too much.

If you don’t cry it isn’t love

If you don’t cry then you just don’t feel it deep enough

Stephen Merrit

Unsafe

You are the only one who I don't feel safe around. Yet you're the one I'm taking the most risks with. And it is unfathomable to me why you care so much.