I Hate You

What did you think when you said all those things?
That I was psychic? That I just wouldn't care when I found out that you had left me out of things?
What now? Are they more important than me? I thought I was your friend!
But I suppose that is all worth nothing in the end.
You've proved that to me.


Is this what pain feels like?
Seems so.
It's taking over me. Consuming me from the inside.

Just when I thought I had ridden myself of it.
And look, you've spread it.




Why did you do this to me? To us?
That entire conversation was filled with pain. I couldn't cry, not there. They all care much too much to let me cry without explanation.
Will I never be able to see the good in others? I always assume the worst, that they don't care or hate me.
Yet I've been proven time and time again.
Nothing has gotten me to see the good side of things. Nothing.


I wonder if they can see?
See the pain in my eyes, the tears held back.
If they can tell that I am hiding things, not telling them everything.
But I don't trust them. I don't trust any of them.


I don't need this.
I don't.
It hurts.

The girl

The girl sits there, her entire being slowly falling to pieces. Then, as her self is destroyed, it falls, only to land in the exact shape it started with. Repaired.

Smiling to herself, she floats in a solitary bliss that can be shared with no one.

Get me a piece of that, And I shall be Satisfied

Secrets weaved in among truths, so that the colors fade and meld, now indistinguishable from one another. The observing party gasps, stepping back, catching a glimpse of the two different colors for a moment. Then they're the same again, the weavers smiling at her with rotten smiles full of nothing real, all of it a complex illusion.
Falling back into the same pattern, she continues weaving hers, the one that none but her can see, a private smile on her face. Something makes her guarded eyes glance up, a flash of color in the threads the two across from her are weaving. They smile at her again, that same false emotion. Another joins the two in their weaving as the colors all look the same again.
Taking a deep breath, she lets words fall out of her mouth like dead flies, all of them falling to the floor the instant they are spoken. One of the girl weavers responds, and she is reassured, quickly returning to her work.
This time her head snaps up abruptly, seeing all the different colors clearly, and for once noticing how many people are weaving with those threads. Yet she has not been invited. Rising, she yells at the weavers of deception with her words that fall like stones, spreading splatters of hurt everywhere they land. Having enough, she spins around and storms off, away from all the other weavers, not caring whether they listened to her stone words.
Sitting in her solitary room, she resumes her weaving, now with trembling fingers and tears that seem to float and linger in the air, unlike words. With an infuriated scream, the tears scatter, and once more her fingers are steady. Yet all she can feel is her hollowed out body, the wind darting around inside of it, searching for more to claw out. It shall not find anything more; she smiles her secret smile, a chuckle escaping her lips and bouncing off the walls like jello. Nothing is there for them to have, not anymore.

Mayhaps

Yet you can't find anything bad to say about me, can you?

Burning

I am burning on the outside.

It hurts.

Impossible

Apparently the impossible is now possible. 

Gosh, living hurts so much.

I wish I could just

stop.

LATER NOTE: The impossible actually remains impossible, save for one.

Imagine...

Imagine that you have stayed after school, and are now heading out of the building. On your way out of the deserted  hallways of the school, you glance a scene between a father and daughter, both of them yelling at each other. They both seem pretty upset.

Do you look away and pretend not to notice?

Or do you stare at the engaged argument?

Lies

It's all turned out to be lies, these images in my head.

Yet what can I do but scream internally?

Today hasn't been a good day for anyone.

Seems they're all yelling at each other.

And that everyone is lying to me.

My life is filled with silly façades. 

Burning Inside

I'm not quite sure how I feel about all this.

Why did that sight make me happy and unbearably angry at the same time?
Seems my wish is coming true.
Let's watch everyone burn.
At the price of my self-destruction

Two Ticks Of the Clock, One Tock

Why am I so sad?
Why why why?
Why do you make me angry?
I want to punch you in the face.
I wonder how you reacted when I pushed you away.
Ha, it's happening again. I'm starting to hate you.
Yes, I haven't told you it yet, but I have been so so close.

Ugh
I don't like this this this this
Not at all

Pure Idiocy

If you have lice, you don't hug people. You shouldn't even come to school.
Gosh, I really am starting to hate you..



It really isn't as bad as it seems. I suppose I just don't care, and that's the reason why I don't care. It's like a crisis is happening and I just don't care about the outcome, no matter which way it sways. Yet it really just isn't as bad as all that.


you'll burn in hell you'll burn in hell you'll burn in hell yeah you'll burn in hell.


"You look sad."
Perhaps I am.
Perhaps today I am just too tired and worn out to really care about that happy façade. I mean, really, why should I?

I'll Be There

Your last request will not be followed.

I will let myself fall, ignoring the hands offered to me that try to slow my descent. 

Yet some hands are always there. Those I feel like grabbing, if only for an instant. 

Deep Down Below...

I am going to buy a server and put it in my basement. Which is above my head, of course.

A grape was killed today. Brutally murdered, actually. It was quite sad.

GAH!

I hate secrets!

I hate hate hate them!

Sure, you say you'll tell me things, but you never do! 

YOU NEVER DO!

Gosh darn it!

I hate you!

I hate hate hate you!

STOP IT!

STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT!

I want you to stop that.

Let's play the lonely game.

Lonely!

Free

I hate hate hated Spanish class today
I wanted to run out of there and never return
The fire drill was a nice escape, however brief.
The best release was exiting that class at the end of the day, when the bell rang.

Nothing. Just Nothing.

I don't have anything to say.

Let us assume this good.

Sinking Whilst I Float

Yes, the arrow is getting higher, but the opinion of others is going down.

➚➘

I am starting to detest all kinds of people.

It isn't a good thing, I think...

On the good side, my creativity levels are at a higher point than before.

On a strange note, history text books are making me want to cry.

What the hell is wrong with me?

And what is wrong with humanity?

Yes, the sanity levels of humans are slowly declining.

I reject you.

I reject you vehemently with fingers.

Float Into Space

This weekend was somewhat pleasant. Lots of family time. Love. Scrambles. 007.

And Harvest Moon...

God, I am such a nerd.

Crush

I can't go. They said no.

Now I'm sitting in the dark crying. And I just feel so pathetic.


I don't care if unhappy people are more interesting. Being unhappy sucks.

Sitting in Fog

We moved and left them behind. They didn't come fast enough. And yet, I don't find myself missing them terribly.

The asshole ex has been left behind as well, yet I don't find myself hating him. I think I've baffled him with my kind behavior at the face of his vulgarity and rudeness. I'll certainly be on his mind. Maybe I'll end up changing him for the better.

The box game was fun.

The many large boxes in such close proximity to each other, each with a different boy inside. Their own little fortress. Of course I wasn't welcome there, being an outsider to this world and a girl. Good thing I escaped, in their eyes so strange. 

He found me today. He's so sweet, as I never thought someone like that capable of. He sees everything, it seems.

Good thing it is summer. Anything can happen in the summer. 

Squeeze

"Wants to die as of half an hour ago"

No.

God, no.

Stop stop stop it.

Don't even think those kinds of thoughts.

 

I prolly wouldn't be freaking out as much as I am if my emotions were in a stable state as of late. Which they haven't been, so this is like an earthquake in my mind.

Ah yes, the weather in my head has been quite disastrous recently.

And you both, stop talking to me if you aren't going to say anything. I hate that.

Even more than I think I hate you.

Smile with Bloody Teeth

New seats. Hate them. Prolly going to move next class. And if I dislike that, too, I may move again. Yet I can say with complete confidence that I did not hate that weekend.
The others, I cannot state anything with such confidence. I wish wish wish I knew what I thought of them.
I suppose the only true answer is loneliness. It summarizes it all best.

Socks that Kill

I stripped the knee-length socks off my legs and observed what I was surprised to see there--blood. Apparently my current state was so fragile that the sock had cut my legs along the side, especially at my ankles; there a small pool of blood had formed. My friend sensed my discomfort and asked, "Are you okay?"
"Yes," I lied, wiping away the blood with a wet towel and examining my legs further.
I lied.

Angels Sleep

The angels all awake grogglily, their heads simultaneously rising from the desks. One of the girls, the brown-haired one, smiles warmly at the others, saying in a pleasant tone, "Good morning" before her head fell back down onto the desk, all of the others falling in unison before they were all asleep once more.
The teacher sighed at the front of the class. No, nothing was ever accomplished in this class when the "angels" fell asleep.

Plop

Well isn't that nice.
Somehow, it leaves me feeling...lonely.
No, no, I don't care, I remind myself repeatedly. I told myself I wouldn't care.
Well, do I?
Do you?

Some light has been spread on my illusions. It's nice.
Perhaps I shouldn't sit in myself for hours on end.
Yet I can't stop that, can I?

It Returns...

My NaNo is back now, and I am trying to finish it by next November...

But will I try another NaNo next year?

Or just watch...?