I'm going to look up suicide stories tonight

An endless nightmare

I starve myself far too often.

I deserve no confidence.

As you turn to go he reaches out and holds you close, just one last moment before you go, one breath then a smile and depart

I love you. 
I will never let you go.

Going through the motions of loving me is so easy isn't it isn't it

You don't trust me after all
and with good reason

Pride

I've always been so smart, smarter than most of the other children in school. But as the years go by everyone surpasses me in intelligence, and I struggle to retain my status as "smart". But I am no longer the smart one, the intelligent one, the girl who knows what she is doing. It's hard for me, as I never used to have to try, and now must put forth so much effort for the simplest of concepts. And I screw myself over constantly because I think that I can master the material by absorbing the information presented in class but now that isn't enough and I don't want to admit it until it's too late, half the semester's gone by and I have no idea what I am doing. I try to catch up but there's just a mountain of information I must master on my own and looking at the most current things with my mind turning up blank intimidates me further. I create a huge obstacle for myself, so large that I have no choice but to deal with it but have no means to. It's too large of an issue for me by myself to handle. And to ask for help would be admitting to both myself and others that I alone have failed, that I am not handling things in the slightest on my own, that I created this huge problem for myself. It's all my fault and because of my inadequacies and bad habits that all of this is happening. And I don't want to tell other people that. Admit that to anyone else. Because they'd judge. Look down on me. As they should.

Ultimatum

I'm planning an ultimatum.
And I'm not giving you a choice.


because I always need a trump card.

Blooming

Love is about letting it grow
Letting go of all those restrictions placed upon your heart by the former cruelty of man
Growing fond of each and every quirk
                                          every difference
                                            every oddity

until there is no remaining part
that has escaped the wide arc of your heart

Hysteria

No one understands how hysterical I am
or how hysterical I can become

Breathe, Bianca, Breathe