It's trapped in its heart like a cage, rattling, rattling.

Poisonous

I wish that I weren't so

I wish that I weren't so

I wish that I weren't so

poi son ous.

Today just seems to be a woozy day.

I have

I have a headache and it's creeping

and it's creeping

into my skull

through the recesses of my hair

and it's creeping

and it's creeping

like a spider

like a snake

slithering

crawling

up through the veins

bringing nothing but poisonous pain

spreading, spreading

creeping creeping

upward upward

into the recesses of my brain

please, please

remove this pounding from my brain

please, please

ease this pain within my head

I have

I have a headache and it's creeping

and it's creeping

into my skull

through the recesses of my hair

and it's creeping

and it's creeping

like a spider

like a snake

slithering

crawling

up through the veins

bringing nothing but poisonous pain

spreading, spreading

creeping creeping

upward upward

into the recesses of my brain

please, please

remove this pounding from my brain

please, please

ease this pain within my head

Why

Why do you all like me so much?

Can't you see the cruelty in my heart?

The dislike?

The distaste?

Stop trying to grasp at me

I don't want to be tied down by

my nice nature

I don't want to be tied down by

you.

My goodness,

everything hurts.

Make it

s t o p .

Make it

stop.

Please

Please excuse me while I

while I

go out partying

now is not the time to

not the time

to crawl into oneself

we're

we're

through

done

gone.

It's not a mask--it never was.

I've always been happy around you
I've always been happy around people

I like people

It's Happening Again

I'm curling back up into myself

not wanting

not wanting

I'm not answering the phone when you call

I'm not answering the door when you arrive

I'm not committing to plans

I'm not I'm not not not

I'm cruel.

All these people, I'm letting them slip away from me

willing it to be so

yet occasionally giving into the pressure

saying a word

more out of boredom and common decency

than a sign that I care.

I wish they'd go away.

These nice people should get away from me

before it's too late.

Granted.

My wish has been granted.

Jacob. Sebastian. Jacob. Sebastian.

Two Names

Two names keep racing through my head, alternating the spark of attention with each shift in moment

Jacob. Sebastian. Jacob. Sebastian.

Excuse me...

Please excuse me as I curl up into myself

the fear of reactions

becoming too much

until I can't

even speak

a

word

Though I am in Pain

Though I am in pain

I will sit up tall

I will smile at you

and laugh the night through

Though I am in pain

I will cover it up

I don't want to ruin

our time spent in fun

Though I am in pain

I will do my best

not to show it

not to wreck plans

I don't want my pain

to be the cause of sadness

so I'll just keep it hidden inside

and bear it, bear it,

a moment longer

until the fun is done

and I can bear it no longer

I'm the elusive girl who doesn't give a fuck

At the question, she glanced at me for a second, mischief flashing in her eyes as her mouth curled into a mischevious smile. "I'm better now."

You Weren't There.

Where were you,

after the chaos had ended?

You should know

that the aftermath

is just as important

just as heart-wrecking

as the initial impact of destruction

You were by me

when the tears came

and my soul shattered apart

but you left

when things seemed to be clear

without even a goodbye

You disappeared

without a trace

leaving me feeling

abandoned.

Why?

Two Faced?

There is a difference
between perception
and reality

Remember that.

It isn't easy.

It's hard to be mean
when the niceness
is the instinct that oozes out first

It's hard to be nice
when your words
only remind me of the horridness
of your nature

It's hard to tell the truth
when lies are what naturally come out
I'm not saying the truth
which, really, is the same thing as lying

It's hard to lie
when your heart demands the truth
and curses deception
which you are clinging on to
with small hints
that don't mean anything to them

It's hard to tolerate you
when you keep
pushing my annoyance buttons
putting me closer, closer
to snapping in your face

Monday, Monday,
I promise to be truthful.

Let's hope.

I am

I am the girl

that you can call

at 2am

because something has gone wrong

I am the girl

who will listen to you

for an hour

to make sure you're okay

before hanging up

I am the girl

who cares so much

I just want to make you smile

I am the girl

who would do anything

for a friend. ❤

I remember...

I remember those days when we were so eager,

we'd sit there for hours

and reply, reply, reply

for pages and pages and pages

oh the fun times we once had.

I don't have those anymore.

You have perfect timing.

I was one step away from deleting everything.

Good thing I didn't, eh?

You chose the Wrong Day.

You chose the wrong day to be pushing the limits of my impossibility.

You chose the wrong day to be touching the untouchable.

I'm sorry that I made you comfortable.

I'm sorry that I seemed okay with touch.

Because, really, I'm not.

You get too too comfortable.

Which makes me uncomfortable.

But, not knowing what else to do,

I do nothing.

And the fear is growing.

Is my untouchability

lessening?

Can you not see

how afraid I am

of all of you?

The fear

that is growing

s e p a r a t i n g

me

from

you.

maybe

I would

have been

okay

with it

if that day

hadn't been

filled with

inconvenient red

and maybe it wouldn't have happened

if I would have spoken the words laid out in my mind

at the proper time

Stop it.

Stop getting closer.

No.

No.

No.

The fear is carrying over.

Into my dreams.

There is a group of four, evenly balanced, with two girls and two girls. They have a leader with a solid head on his shoulders who is quite wise. This group is quite close, and live in a kind of a strange world filled with anything but mere humans. They all thirst for blood....or so it seems. The first boy is more open than the second, and a nice guy to be around. An...amiable guy, you might say. The second boy is quieter, and doesn't quite express his emotions properly all of the time, but always thinks about everything deeply, and always notices the details others can't. The first girl is an open, bubbly girl whom is girly and flowery. An overall likable girl, who cares deeply about those close to her (aka her group). The second girl is one that stands strong against any obstacle, and always hides each weakness; this secret is her strength that keeps her charging forward, powers bared.

One and one fall in love, and when blood is spilled and consumed, word spreads that it is the most delicious, which leads all the others in the establishment and around to a dash of chaos, trying to get a taste of this ambrosia. What they don't understand is that the key is mutual love.

They just don't get it.

Two and two are getting closer, mutual touch.

When their mentor asks two if he's in love with her, he looks deep in thought, like he's really considering the question, and then responds, "I'm not sure."

But they slowly grow closer and closer.

The group is always sleeping in near proximity, of the faerie tent that is kept together and up with magic and will (not collapsing..). Two and two get closer and closer, growing as people too. He seems to understand the fear she tries to hide, and protects her at all the right moments (in the tunnels where it is their job to eradicate the insect-like monsters lurking there, both big and small)

Things seem to be going well in general...

Then the day comes when they discover a body that had been dismembered by something..large. They contact their mentor right away, demanding backup. The giant monster comes, her fear overflows, and he protects her, until the moment when the rest of the group arrives, and they kill it together.

Later, later, something goes wrong. Having not established themselves, (not really and truly and clearly) after killing all of the monsters in the assigned area of the day, he suddenly is kissing her for the first time, getting closer closer until the fear wells up inside of her and she bubbles out, "W-what are you doing?" and pushes him away, saying, "I don't like--" but he's angry, misunderstanding her incomplete sentence, standing up and storming away, "I got it. I'm out." Her eyes widen and her breath becomes quick, "No, don't--" And, quick as a candle flame, he's gone, leaving her behind, alone in this place that she is terrified of. Alone with the monsters.

The fear is growing, consuming. And, worse yet, she can feel the massive monster approaching. She backs away into a wall, feeling it getting closer, closer; her breath becoming faster and faster as her fear grows. She has to kill it. Overcome her fear and kill it, or die herself. It's upon her, and she summons up everything inside of her--fire, blooming plants within its body, tearing it apart and burning it simultaneously. The power flows from her fingers.

It isn't a perfect kill (she did get hurt(damaged)), but it's dead. She did it. With her own hands. Yet the fear still remains.

It's not over yet.

Suddenly there's someone else, thirsty, upon her, pushing her against the wall, coaxing her still so he can have a taste of her blood. He wants to see if it is the fabled ambrosia everyone is searching for. He ignores her repeated denials of his request.

"See? I'm poison," she says, pricking her finger with her teeth and letting a drop fall onto his tongue.

Soon he's on the ground, spitting the drop out of his mouth and onto the ground, cursing.

It is the monster's doing, but he doesn't know that.

She's gone.

Returning to the faerie tent, everyone is already asleep. She is shivering, the remnants of fear still pumping through her veins. It won't go away--the memory, the trauma. Her bones shake like branches in the wind, yet no one stirs. She lies down and tries to fall asleep.

Only to have silent nightmares, ending with no one left there in the morning.

Lonely. Alone. Afraid. She needs to find him, explain. It wasn't a rejection of him, just the place. The terrifying place, where everything goes wrong. Another shudder runs through her body as she steps outside to find him.

And find him she does. "I need to talk to you." But he's already walking away, the angry pain of rejection in his voice and body language, "There's no need to talk, I understand everything." And then she knows, forgives him for leaving her alone. "You couldn't have known," she whispers softly. He couldn't have known what would happen. He couldn't have known the magnitude of her fear, just as she couldn't perceive the magnitude of his. The thing about fearing something, like someone you love so dearly hating you, is it's so easy to believe that it's true. Bad things are so easy to grab on to. To accept that you didn't deserve that ending.

But. But but but.

Alone. .Still.

She ends up at their mentor's place, her bones still shaking as memories fill her head. She misses his hugs, his comfort, his touch. Yet now she's just afraid. Afraid of touch. Afraid of being alone.

She ends up asleep in his lap, like a little girl falling asleep in her father's lap. Yet, yet, he can't lay a finger on her. Not if he doesn't want her to scream. Not that he knows the magnitude his touch will have on her...not yet.

He summons the boy. "You have something to settle with this girl, do you not?"

"No. There's nothing to settle. It's done. What's done is done."

"Fine then." And then he's been kicked out by magic, forbidden to enter once more. Unwanted jealousy coursed through his veins, feeding his anger. No one should get that close to his girl. No one. Yet...is she even his girl? Was she ever his?

Not that he has an exact will to reenter at that moment. Yet, it's all part of the plan.

Their mentor touches her arm, expecting a not-good reaction, but not as horrible as it ends up being.

She jerks out of her sleep and zips across the room, a scream escaping her lips as her eyes reel in the memory. No touch. Notouchnotouchnotouch. No. Nonono. Then she flees into the forest, where she feels safe, up among the trees. Alone. Yet, surrounded by green. Nice green.

She shudders, her bones clattering together unpleasantly. Something's gone all wrong with her. Wrongwrongwrong. Poison. She's poison.

Meanwhile, he's back to the catastrophic place from the day before, and discovers the undisposed body of the massive monster. As he disposes of it himself, a realization dawns on him. This is where he'd left her all alone the day before. Alone with the thing she was most terrified with. Not in a safe place, as he'd thought. Was that why she'd pushed him away? Could she feel the fear creeping in? And when she'd tried to talk to him earlier...she hadn't looked too good, had she?

He had to find her.

Back on the surface, as he was rushing to find her, a random guy stopped him with a comment, "Dude, did you know your girlfriend is poisonous?" Ugh. Another thing that had gone wrong while he'd been away. What had he done? This guy had tried to get to her...had got to her. Fury surged through his veins, resulting in a swift punch to the face before he continued in his quest to find her. He had to find her.

And so he did.

The nectar restored.
And then took flight. A butterfly (faerie), not a vampire like all the rest.

Don't

Don't don't don't touch
don't touch me
it frightens me
when you
get close

I don't care what day you say it is
it will send me off
the deep end

especially
now

Please, remember me with fondness.

I Apologize for my Fear

I'm sorry
that I'm afraid
of people

so
afraid