Delirious

Why should I tell you anything at all?
I don't want to add to that.
I''m sorry, but you've opened up my eyes to a truth I didn't see and didn't want to face. But the truth is the truth and I'd rather have that than lies.

Oh, and I hate not understanding.
But that's just me.


And I've begun to hate that word.
And your response to mine.

Ignored

It's sad.
Very very sad.
But not enough to make me cry. Just get upset and angry.

And apologies fail.
Especially when you don't remember what it is I am mad at you for.

Fly Through Normality and Laugh

So today after school we (my sister and father and ME!) went to HEB across the street from HS, and I had fun shopping...we almost ran over this one lady about three times...

and when we were exiting, I was being all happy and full of energy, zooming through the parking lot, and this one high schooler looked at me funny!

Hey! I'm AWESOME! I'm having fun while you're concerned about what people think of you and being "cool"! Yes, I let my inner child come out LOTS!

HEY IT'S FUN!!

I got to ride the shopping cart through the parking lot like it is a scooter... XD ha, I love life

Do Over

Starting something over from scratch is very fun. Although a bit challenging.

Arg, I shouldn't be telling you this.

No no no.

It's amazing what experience can do to you.

And how fun it is to yell at the you of two years ago.

Who Can Lie?

Who can lie when you never speak in the first place?

When the only thing coming from your mouth is air, in and out?

How on earth do you lie when you can't speak?

The Truth

Today I was thinking deeply.
You tend to do that when you're all alone.

I don't want to lie anymore.
Or tell a truth that isn't the one I want to say.
It bugs me to no end when I do that. I keep mentally screaming, "Lie! Lie! No! That isn't what I wanted to tell you!"

No more secrets.
No more lies.
Now let's see how long this decision lasts...

To the End, I will Dream

So I had three dreams...let's see if I can remember them at all...

Dream One
Three protectors of one girl
one warlock-like guy with dark, deep, purpley magic surrounding him
one turtle
one guy with sword
the girl can control things with her mind....normally this makes people very tired, but not her
[crush cans with a mere thought]
often sneaks off on weekends to do things without the three
fighting off the...aliens?
crush crush crush
Jenny...the girl that is her backup. doll. says she's going there when she isn't. has emotions. no abandonment. parents live in mansion. dolls too. work, love, live, but do girl's will when provoked.
mother doesn't know that girl is special....thinks normal things.
leaves for a month
she doesn't eat, can't sleep
Floppity has been taken
alone every night
excellent at school, can do homework and projects in a snap
mother worries
bedroom door locked every night
tears tears tears
one time unlocked, mother sees and worries more
in her solitude, practices magic/mind powers and becomes stronger
apologies
girl happy again
in morning, breakfast made, happiness spreads
magic is ultimate now
mother home at 4
girl leaves at 5 for Jenny's [remember, she came to dinner that one time....we had a falling out this past month but it's fine now, she called me last night...I slept well...]
2ish...girl notices (aliens?) searching for her. they can't know she lives here, so....

Dream Two
girl at school with best friend [blonde]
girl has short blue hair -> Blue
falls and hurt head
best friend takes Blue to nurse
[Edward sign in hallway... o.O]
patches up head and back with bandages
open place, green grassy hills, water falls...
suspicious Blue of nurses
meets Azure
[somehow, he was a fighter unit for a moment...but...no....]
go up to the waterfall
Blue sits on the stairs, hears only laughter from above
fighting ~ Azure vs two women (nurses)
they run down the stairs after Azure, but he is hiding above, the other one was an illusion
Blue runs up the stairs
it's ruined--the "nurses" return
"You want to know what's in the box...? Too bad. It isn't yours..."
"You are the Samus Aran with magical powers" (yes, it makes no sense)
Blue opens the box, much to their dismay--they wanted the powers it contained
Blue "dies"
they all leave, Azure is devastated
"she isn't the one"
[even though she isn't the one...why did she have to die...no...]
Azure reports
...
Blue isn't dead
she awakes with a dark smile on her face
merges the [green, glowing] box into her heart
complex lines appear all over her skin
hair is down to her ankles now
falls into deep meditation, unmoving
Azure returns, strokes her cheek and she opens her eyes, smiles
SHE'S ALLIIIIIVE (haha jk)
they go off together
the Anti-Organization learns that she is alive
comes after her
Azure [i just wanted to see her, and now it's come to this]
...
Blue annihilates them completely

Dream Three
Um...can't remember. It blended with two, or disappeared, I can't remember...

No.

"I feel like I am yanking a reluctant stubborn chord out of my heart."

Boats Can't Float

I can't keep this conversation afloat!
Throw me something!
I'm drowning here!
A life-vest! Anything!

Oh, well.
That works.
Throw a rock at me, will you?
I hadn't even gotten anywhere yet.
That wasn't nice at all.
Then again, I am not nice, either.
And this is what I deserve, isn't it?

Wouldn't It Be Nice?

I got to talk with my Loyalist Buddy today! I wished him a happy birthday!
And he says he is coming to visit over Spring Break!

This is so happy-making!

Yes yes?
Now let go of that tree...

Lies. All Lies.

"Yes."

That's a lie.

"-smile- Me too"

That's a lie. 

It kept happening all night.

Why can't anyone tell?

I'm lying to you.

I'm not happy here. 

I don't have a good time here.

That isn't what's bugging me.

Why can't you see me?

I'm right here!

Why can't you notice me?

I'm right here!

Look at me!

I'm right here!

Stop it!

Stop it!

Stop it!

Oh Gawd

I understand now.

Uncertainty Lies in the Future

College

Which one?

Do I know?

No

Not like all the others. 

So many e-mails.

So many letters.

Do I want to go through them all?

Yes.

No.

It's Over

It's disorienting and unpleasant, being forced to the ground

I don't like it.

And then he wouldn't say a thing, wouldn't do a thing. It was sad.

I don't like it.

And I ended up all alone most of the time, or stuck in a tree with only my brother for company. 

I don't like it.

They had fun, though and I suppose that is all that matters.

And now I don't like  me for not being good enough t

Doodles on the Skin of Life

Today is Friday the 13th, and this morning it slipped my mind that it is the school's Valentines Day, since we won't be seeing each other until tomorrow. I spread my tablecloth across the ground and it filled up with love. I am contemplating putting this on my wall, or preserving it somehow. It has become precious to me.


A Tweety balloon won't last that long.

Floating on an Unstable Cloud

Plans are going going going as my spirits raise higher and higher and higher. English is a bore, and feels lonely, but that's life!

Father called me today, but I was at my mom's work, helping her out, and told him so. It was a bit award, what with my mom listening, but at least it didn't last too long. And I know why he called~

That's all for today

I get to see my girlfriend in two days~

♥

My World Isn't Yours

Dance around singing in the rain. Nothing's insane. Everything's crazy, nothing is normal. When they look back on what they saw today, they'll all think the same thing--the thing you want them to think. "What a weird girl." Wouldn't that be the best way to be remembered, if you are to be remembered at all? As someone they couldn't imagine understanding, a mysterious girl who never seemed to make any sense at all yet always wore a smile on her face but for the occasional times when that notebook would come out and she would have the most troubled look on her face, like she was fighting death itself. 

No one notices such details, just events that stuck out in their mind as interesting or funny. It's all amusement for them. Nothing more, nothing less.

And what is it to me?

A fun game without a happy or complete ending. Always craving more, better.

Watch the Rain Fall Outside Your Window

Today I feel so content and light, I could start floating on clouds and dancing on rooftops. 

My fears seem so silly.

Yet the things I am adding make them greater. Pure, uncensored emotion.

I don't know anymore....

perhaps tomorrow my opinion will differ.

A Step Out Into the Spotlight

So today I auditioned for a play. 

I don't have too much confidence that I made it,  but I really do hope that I did. 

Even if I don't I can always say that I tried. I tried and failed, but one learns from experience and will improve from it.

My dad might be able to get me into those theater classes for free. That would be nice. 

I want to be better and better.

Oh yes I do.

The Crinkle of a Life Being Crushed

It's times like this that I want to scream. Scream at the top of my lungs at you. And you. Both of you. 

You didn't tell me anything. 

No one ever tells me anything.

You know what I did during history?

I cried.

I put my head down in my arms and cried. 

Then the teacher told me I could escape to the restroom and I cried more there. More and more and more.

How could you?

Even Sophie, who I am not the best of friends with, told me that much. 

What, you want me to stop everything that I am doing and check up on you? To ruin my fun just so that I can know?

I'm always the last to know things. No one ever tells me anything. And I only find out by eavesdropping, or they tell me last. The very last.

I feel like I am losing this fight. I can't convey to you how much the weight of everything is crushing me. You misunderstand it. I hate it when people misunderstand me. Anything about me. Especially when I am pouring my heart out into a glass jar for people to view.  

I ended up pouring it onto someone who can do nothing. Who doesn't understand anything. And who probably doesn't even care. That upset me, so I turned again, further. To a different person who is so far away yet closer than what is becoming of this. 

Stop leaving me all alone. I don't want to be alone.